You may have heard that after 83 years of being a symbol of masculine fertility and virility, Superman has come out as queer as the rainbow. Yes, despite being best known for his masculine heterosexuality and desire to show up trains -- it's basically just him and John Henry --

It's why they’re friends. 

-- as well as his relationship with Lois Lane being so popular that two TV shows have been made about it turns out Superman is actually bisexual. Except that's not really the Superman you know. (Also, bisexuals can still be married to the opposite sex, c'mon.)

The Clark Kent that you know still stands for truth, straightness, and espousing the good truth of the safety of plane travel. 

"Every plane taken is a train not taken."

He's so straight, in fact, that he and Lois conceived a child, young Jon Kent, who recently took up his dad's title after a big multiversal crisis made every story DC published real. This kid, Jon Kent, recently came out as bisexual while wearing the big S, but he's just the latest successor to turn gay while their parent and better-known bearer of the superhero title remains as straight as one of those accursed railroads.

Canon.

See, as we mentioned before, Robin just came out as bisexual. Robin now Superman? What's going on? Are the liberals winning? Are our proud superheroes being turned queer?

DC Comics

“Turned”

Well, yeah. See, it turns out that a while back DC promised that there would be, at some point in the future, a comic called Justice League Queer, featuring an all-queer version of the Justice League. The team debuted to lackluster response, as it featured Lobo's daughter, the Wildstorm copy of Batman, and assorted C-Listers.

Cyborg Steel, Brick Surfer, and The Furry

But it seems like DC is maybe building a queer Justice League, one that people will actually recognize. After all, we have our Superman now, and we still have Batwoman -- who is like Batman, but Jewish, a woman, and gay.

DC Comics

The original Green Lantern Alan Scott came out as gay a while back, and the most recent Green Lantern is bisexual as well, so you can take your pick.

DC Comics

Bigots take your pick: Are you racist, sexist, or homophobic? Or all three?

Then there are two different Aqualads-become-Aquamans, Jackson Hyde and Kaldur'ahm, from the comics and Young Justice cartoon, respectively.

DC Comics

Two of the live-action Flashes are queer, and Nora West-Allen, the Flash's daughter and successor, is as well. Wonder Woman has been bisexual since her gay-supporting creator made her, but there's a younger Wonder Girl who'll one day take up the lasso that can fill in as well. There's even a Martian Manhunter pseudo-offspring who's into men.

Justice League Queer is ready to assemble now that they finally have their Superman.

And he has pink hair? The liberal agenda gone mad. 

The LGBT Super-Friends. The Rainbow Justice League. The Greatest Gay Heroes of the DC Comics world.

The future is queer, and so are the Justice League

You can find Tara Marie @TaraMarieWords, get the comic she wrote part of here Trailer Park Boys: Bagged and Boarded and read more she's written at Panel X Panel, the Hard Times, or by just scrolling up and reading this article again. 

Top Image: DC Comics

Join the Cracked Movie Club

Expand your movie and TV brain--get the weekly Cracked Movie Club newsletter!

Forgot Password?