These Deals Will Put You To Sleep
This piece was written by the Cracked Shop to tell you about products that are being sold there.
Remember when you were a kid and hated going to bed? What a dumbass little you was. Now, all you want to do is sleep, but the cruel irony of time, biology, capitalism, and a number of other abstract concepts is that you have too much on your mind or otherwise can't seem to literally knock yourself out. Don't worry: You don't have to pay some burly dude to give you a concussion or develop a drug habit, probably. Try these deals first.
Bamboo Smart Pocket Sheets, $39.99 (reg. $129)
Are you still sleeping on those sheets of sandpaper you got at Walmart after you graduated because you don't think you can afford real ones? Stop it! These top-quality bamboo sheets are available now at bargain prices, and they even come with pockets on the side, in case you can't afford a nightstand, either. You'll get there someday, champ.
Doctor Pillow Carbon SnoreX(TM) Pillow, $34.99 (reg. $39)
If the cause of your insomnia is someone you love everything about except the way they turn into a Pixar character in a movie about power tools at night, don't start considering separate bedrooms just yet. This Indiegogo-funded pillow incorporates eight technologies into one pillow to help you or your loved one breathe easy and shut up. Did you even know there were eight pillow technologies? We did not.
Smart RGB Ambient Light, $54.99 (reg. $69)
Turn down the lights. Close your eyes. Whisper to Alexa, "Give me that sweet, sexy mauve flavoring." Drift to Dreamland. Such is the experience of this color-changing table lamp.
Shredded Memory Foam Bamboo Pillows, $37.99 (reg. $80)
If your cheap, lifeless pillows have gone practically two-dimensional, it's time to upgrade with this top-quality two-pack on sale now. They're filled with shredded memory foam that surrounds your head like a warm hug but wrapped in a bamboo cover to keep that hug platonic, temperature-wise.
Bamboo Comfort Luxury 6-Piece Sheet Set, $38.99 (reg. $119)
These luxury sheets are made with eco-friendly bamboo fiber so you can feel good while you feel good. They're also hypoallergenic and wrinkle-free, because let's be honest: You're not gonna iron your sheets. Who irons sheets? Psychopaths, that's who.
VitalSleep 5-Piece Snoring Bundle, $77.99 (reg. $129)
If no pillow in the world can compete with your mighty tuba face, give VitalSleep a shot. It's a custom-molded mouthpiece that helps your throat and airway get aligned while you sleep, because it's just no time for their sweet, sweet music.
Pure Bamboo Soft White 4-Piece Sheet Set, $94.99 (reg. $136)
These pure bamboo sheets have earned 4.5 stars on Amazon for good reason. They're breathable, comfortable, and even good for the environment! What more do you want? They're sheets, man. Don't put so much pressure on them.
Eli & Elm Cotton Side-Sleeper Pillow with Cover, $105.99 (reg. $134)
People who sleep on their backs and stomachs aren't to be trusted, which is why it's so weird that the whole pillow industry seems to cater to them. What are they plotting? While you figure it out, give this one a shot. It's made with a little indent, allowing your shoulder to get comfortable below your neck, and probably won't turn on you when the revolution comes.
Aloe Ice Pillow Gel, $109
It's a biological fact that the best-feeling thing in the world is the cool side of the pillow, but you don't have to keep turning it over like some kind of peasant. The Aloe Ice Pillow Gel contours to your body like a memory foam pillow but also provides 3,000 times more airflow than any other foam pillow on the market so every side is the cool side.
GhostBed(R) Luxe 13" Cooling Mattress, $1,514.19 (reg. $2,545)
If what you really need is just a whole new sleep situation, embrace spooky season with the GhostBed. It's the only mattress with two-stage core and surface cooling tech that keeps you and your mattress cool all night long. Paranormal cold spot or just your sweet-ass mattress? You'll never know.
Prices subject to change.