Chris Evans, Apex-Villain

I kinda want to punch Chris Evans in the face and couldn’t be happier that he’s not reprising the role of Steve Rogers in What If…? I’m a huge fan of his. I realize that may sound a little confusing, but, also, I don't understand what’s not to get? I just don’t want Evans to keep playing good guys because he is the absolute master of playing jerks with fist-magnet faces. God, I love to hate that man.

This has nothing to do with who Chris Evans is as a person. By all accounts, he is the nicest guy around. But he has the energy of a bully. It’s like … Winona Ryder is a great actress and all, but she stuck out like a sore thumb in The Age of Innocence because she has a face that 100% knows what a microwave is. Similarly, you look at Evans, and you instantly get the feeling that this man could tell by sound alone whether an asthmatic kid was having his head dunked in a flushed or unflushed toilet.

And the thing is, you probably agree with that if you’ve seen him in Knives Out. There were a lot of great performances in that movie, but Evans’ was the only one that didn’t feel like a performance. For the duration of the film, he became the biggest bastard to walk the Earth since Hagrid fathered a lovechild with Mrs. Jolly Green Giant. People who only knew him from the Marvel movies saw that as proof of his acting talent, but it’s the other way around. Evans somehow making us see the kind and goodhearted Steve Rogers in his tragically-un-punched face is the true testament to his skills as an actor. In any case, we seem to be in agreement; he’s already proven himself, and he can now go back to what he’s best at: being the worst.

You can see it in The Iceman, where he plays a contract killer, or Scott Pilgrim vs. the World, where he plays one of the evil exes. 

Hell, he even brings a lot of his natural butthole-ry to Snowpiercer where, yeah, yeah, he’s technically the protagonist, but let’s not forget that his character literally tried to eat a baby. Hey, everyone has their own talent. Tahmoh Penikett is great at teaching robot girls how to love. Chris Evans, on the other hand, is a natural at playing the kind of guy who, if they ever found a sentient robot, would instantly ask: “So what’s the legal status on hunting these things for sport?” Let’s let him go back to his true calling for a while.

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Top Image: Universal Pictures