5 Characters That Should Be In Other Shows: 'It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia' Edition
It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia is the longest-running live-action sitcom ever, which means the characters of It's Always Sunny have been through a lot. There have been so many episodes at this point that there isn't a situation we couldn't imagine them being in. So it got us to thinking, "What if we stretched our imaginations a little bit? What would it look like if our favorite band of belligerent, miscreant dicks found themselves in an entirely different TV show altogether?"
We then thought to ourselves, "Okay, the gang is versatile enough to appear on any show (much in the way a wrecking ball is versatile enough to demolish any building), but what would be the best show? Which show could perfectly capture the essence of each character?" So we called Nate Silver and built a mathematical algorithm to empirically deduce the best ratio of character to show traits … just kidding. We thought real, real hard, huffed some paint, and made an admittedly incredibly subjective list. But hey, it's the Paddy's way ...
Charlie on The Office
The Office has had a lot of zany characters in its run, but it never had a wacky janitor a la Scrubs or a la every school and office building in America. You know what we're talking about. There's always one offbeat janitor who gets busted for stashing porn in the supply closet. For Dunder Mifflin of Scranton, Pennsylvania, that janitor might as well be Charlie Kelly.
It's the perfect fit. Here Charlie would finally have a chance to go mano-a-mitten with characters that can match him in his level of weirdness. We can only imagine as he gets into arguments with Dwight about Bird Law or tries to drink Merideth under the table with beer that he tinted green with paint.
But the beauty of Charlie on The Office isn't just that he's a weirdo amongst weirdos. It's that he's the only character from Sunny that is pure enough of heart to mesh with the Scranton bunch. The Office is filled with wholesome moments and characters who are good to their core. Take, for example, the time Daryl and the team recorded a commercial jingle for Dunder Mifflin:
It sounds a lot like the time Charlie did the same thing for Paddy's:
It's not just that their musical stylings are a match (though they are, and we can totally see Charlie jamming out with Andy, Kevin, and Daryl in their warehouse band sessions.) It's that Charlie is sweet enough to eventually be loved by the staff of Dunder Mifflin, even if he has to endure a few side-eyes from Jim for not being able to read or loving "milk steak" too much.
How it would happen:
The gang finally finds a way to send Charlie over the edge. It doesn't matter how. Maybe Mac zaps him by peeing into an open electrical socket that Charlie is attempting to fix, or maybe Dennis just mocks him one too many times. The point is Charlie quits Paddy's and treks up north to find a place of business where he'll be appreciated. Scranton is about two hours away from Philly, so it's about where Charlie could expect to land as he runs out of gas or his car breaks down. He then finds himself at Dunder Mifflin, but because Charlie struggles with literacy, he thinks they sell mufflers. One strange conversation with Michael Scott later, in which Charlie strangles a rat in front of Michaels's eyes, he's got himself a job doing the work that Michael would never, ever want to do. Charlie fits in beautifully, but he never does figure out where they keep the mufflers.
Dennis on The Bachelorette
It's amazing that Sunny hasn't done an episode where Dennis tries to get on The Bachelor, considering it's the ultimate arena for him to indulge in his three favorite things: Megalomania, seducing women, and being shitty to everyone around him. Perhaps the reason we've never gotten to see Dennis throw down in the game of roses is that we all know exactly how it would play out. He'd go in extremely confident and leave as the first contestant in Bachelor history to be escorted out, not by the Bachelorette, but by the police.
But let's get into it. Dennis would start off by bragging to The Gang, or maybe even the cameras, about how the D.E.N.N.I.S system will lead to his inevitable success. He'd even do well for the first couple weeks, coasting on charm and good looks, and probably start enough drama with the other contestants, that the producers lock him in as a reliable "villain" to last into the mid-season. Then one of two things happen. Either the D.E.N.N.I.S system works, and she likes him so obsessively that she does something like this:
Or, the more likely scenario, she sees through Dennis's attempts at emotional manipulation and boots him the moment the producers let her. Of course, it's not like Dennis to take rejection in stride, so he'll probably return on the night of the finale to steal the engagement ring or set the mansion on fire.
How it would happen:
Dennis would make an offhand comment about how he's hotter than whoever won last season of The Bachelorette. Everyone in the gang would tell him that he isn't. Dennis would take this as a challenge and submit himself to be on the show. Everyone would laugh at him, further fueling his need to prove them wrong, except for Mac, who would encourage Dennis to go on with him as the first-ever buddy duo on The Bachelorette. ("We'll Amazing Race the hell out of that shit.") Dennis would call Mac stupid, then reveal that not only does he want to win The Bachelorette, but he wants to use it as a way to be the next Bachelor and sleep with all 30 contestants on his own season.
Frank on Shark Tank
Frank Reynolds does not live like a rich man. He shares a bed with Charlie. He pimps out his own family members. He is regularly covered in trash. But despite all this, Frank is still wealthy enough to float his two children and the bar they run and their various failed business ventures. With all that said, is Frank rich enough to be a Shark on Shark Tank?
Probably not (most of the Sharks have a net worth in the hundreds of millions), but we can envision Frank's only a scheme or two away from either accruing the capital needed to be on the show or conning the sharks into believing he has it. We'll get to the how later, but for now, let's just assume he gets a chair, and once he's in there, you better believe he's looking for chum in the waters.
Or rum hams.
Most Sharks are ruthless businessmen and women because their moral compasses are dubious at best, but Frank's morality can't even be placed on a compass. It's why Frank would be the ultimate trash shark. You can't beat him in a negotiation because he can't be reasoned with. You want him to give you more money for a higher share of equity? He doesn't care about equity. He wants toe knives. What are toe knives? That's for the next sucker pitching to decipher because Frank's already out. You managed to sign Frank as an investor? Get ready for your business to become a money-laundering operation or a Ponzi scheme, or in the very best-case scenario, a hideout for himself and his various sex workers.
The best part is that the sharks will have no idea how to handle him. Imagine Lori bringing up how she's the "Queen of QVC," only for Frank to respond with "I know QVC. That's where my whores buy makeup." And there's no price you can put on seeing Mark Cuban's face after Frank undercuts his deal by promising to slash prices by manufacturing in sweatshops. Don't worry; Frank knows a guy. He always does, and even if he doesn't, he knows how to get the gang involved for free.
How it would happen:
There are so many ways we could see this going, but however Frank ends up on the show, we'd love to see him emerge from with the cushion of the chair like this:
Dee on WWE SmackDown
Dee has always wanted to be in showbiz, but she's never quite had the ability to hold her lunch on stage.
But we think the problem is Dee is simply trying to look for fame in all the wrong places. Instead of trying to get on stage and heaving out a lung due to stage fright, Dee should get in the ring and heave some elbows as a wrestler for WWE Smackdown. Why are we certain that Dee could stomach the showmanship of being a professional wrestler when she can't handle a five-minute open mic? We're not. But we think she will simply because her talents are so much better suited to wrestling. She's got the training regiment down:
And she's got all the moves of a wrestler. In this next clip, Mac lifts Dee into the air by her vagina, which isn't exactly the type of thing they do in WWE, but it's close, and Dee shrugs it off like it's nothing. Wrestling isn't just about hitting your opponent with dropkicks. It's about letting your opponent dropkick you too, and then being able to get up like it's totally fine.
Dee knows how to take a hit, but more importantly, she knows how to take shit. For the past decade and a half, we've watched Dee take all sorts of verbal abuse from The Gang and dish it right back. She's been training to be a heel in the WWE, and she didn't even know it. The problem with Dee's career is that she was always going for laughs when she should have been going for boos instead. In the words of history's greatest wrestler, Bane, Bayley only adopted the heel turn …
But Dee was born in it.
How it would happen:
Dee and the gang would go to a women's wrestling match and start viciously heckling the wrestlers. Dee would get a little too rowdy and throw something, which would prompt one of the wrestlers to drag her into the ring. She'd get her ass kicked, but the crowd would love it. The managers would catch on to this. Never before have they seen a heel so despised. They approach Dee about touring with them full time as "The Bird," and suddenly a star is born.
Mac on Lost
This one is cheating. Rob McElhenney was already on Lost, and he played a character that was a security guard. Basically, he was a toned-down Mac.
And you're probably thinking now, "If you're going to use Lost for Mac, then why not just put Dennis in A.P. Bio or Dee in The Mick." Well, we think this is a little bit different. Those shows had full series runs with those characters, whereas Rob McElhenney's entire time on Lost was contained to that two-minute clip. And it's not really Mac. The true Mac would never have let Sawyer get the jump on him like that. The true Mac would have conducted an ocular pat-down before roundhouse kicking Sawyer in the face.
We think Mac would thrive on the island, be it as a member of the Others or as part of Jack's original crew. At first, he wouldn't be taken seriously and might be treated as comedic relief, like Hurley but dumber. But eventually, Mac would find his way, probably after unsuccessfully trying to scare the Smoke Monster away with a series of karate moves.
But what really makes Mac suited for Lost is that it finally offers him space to be his own man away from the gang without any hope that they might find him. Mac isn't a dick deep down.
The gang (and his parents) corrupted him, much like the Smoke Monster corrupted the island, and other metaphors we'll surely explore watching Mac's island journey unfold.
How it would happen:
Mac, looking to prove his masculinity, would travel to the Australian outback to take a walkabout but would then get caught up at the local pub and spend the rest of the trip boozing and/or realizing walkabouts are lame anyway. "Forget walking; real men do parkour. What if I did a parkourabout?" he would think while sitting in Oceanic Flight 815 on his trip home. That's when the plane would crash, and Mac would meet his ultimate destiny.
Top Image: FXX