We're Ignoring The MCU's Most Powerful Weapon

Shouldn’t every hero and baddie be making a huge deal about these …?
We're Ignoring The MCU's Most Powerful Weapon

Thor: The Dark Universe, the one where the Night Elves are searching for the all-powerful Essence (in reality an Infinity Stone), was such a forgettable mess that you probably didn’t even notice all the things wrong with this sentence. The film’s subtitle was actually The Dark World, the baddies were the Dark Elves, they were looking for the Aether, and the title character wasn’t even named “Thor” but rather “Beautiful Angel Man.” Okay, fine, one of those is a lie, but you’re still not totally sure which.

Weirdly, the movie’s complete forgettability was so great, it even spilled over to its in-universe world, causing an amnesia epidemic that caused everyone to forget about one of the most powerful weapons in the entire Marvel Cinematic Universe: the Black Hole Grenades.

These weapons could briefly create a tiny black hole that crumpled anyone within their blast radius into a ball of flesh and pain, like an artist destroying their drawing after staring at it for too long and suddenly deciding they hate it. They were developed and used by the Dark Elves and, in the end, took out the strongest one of them all: Algrim the Strong after he used magic/technology (magicology?) to transform himself into the uber-powerful “Kurse.”

Here’s why this is problematic. Not because enhanced warriors like him were called, ugh, the Kursed, even though YEAH, it totally makes sense for aliens to speak English but spell it weird. We bet all the Kursed hang out on Apokolips with Sinestro and Blackagar Boltagon and talk about all the spelling bees they never won. But back to our main point, which is that Algrim/Kurse was too strong. On more than one occasion, he went toe to toe with Thor and withstood hits from his hammer Mjolnir as if they were gentle slaps from a sleepy kitten, which is fitting seeing as the best character in these movies calls the weapon “Mew Mew.”

This puts Algrim/Kurse way WAY up in the MCU power hierarchy. He might even be around Hulk’s strength level. And he was taken out in five seconds when Loki detonated the Black Hole Grenade on his belt. A guy with the power level close to (or perhaps even surpassing) the TWO STRONGEST AVENGERS -- one of whom was bukkake’d by the full power of a STAR and lived – was killed by a device the size of a large battery. Shouldn’t everyone be making a huge deal about these grenades then …? They apparently have the power to kill god-level creatures, and there is soooooo much more of them out there.

Yeah, the grenades aren’t some secret lost technology that disappeared together with the Dark Elves. After their attack on Earth, they left a shit load of them behind. The Vulture’s crew from Spider-Man: Homecoming was even trying to unload them on Donald Glover under a bridge. This is the equivalent of your neighborhood dealer trying to upsell you weed strong enough to kill an Avengers team made of Snoop Dogg, Seth Rogan, and Rihanna.

Clearly, they have a surplus, and just ONE of these bastards could probably take out all of the Avengers if they just stood close enough to each other.

Or, alternatively, with just a box of these, a Girl Scout troop could destroy any alien army threatening Earth. Every MCU movie after The Dark World should have been about the world scrambling to find every Black Hole Grenade in the galaxy so that Ant-Man could detonate one inside Thanos and cause him to literally disappear into his own asshole. Also: we officially release this fanfic prompt into the public domain.

Follow Cezary on Twitter.

Top Image: Marvel Studios

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