Satisfying! Insurgents Involved In Capitol Attack Face Repercussions
Back in 2013, in a bygone era before Covid-19, TikTok, and the Trump presidency, a young content creator by the name of Sammy the Classic Sonic Fan found himself at the center of a viral tweetstorm after posting a heartfelt video, imploring a group of "fricken fricks" to reconcile with their poor choices. "When will you learn!" he cried in a clip which has since garnered more than 12 million views. "When will you learn that your actions have consequences!"
Well, Sammy, it may have taken nearly eight years, one global pandemic, and an attempted coup d'etat, but it seems we may finally have an answer to your almost decade-old inquiry.
Over the past few days, several of the insurgents involved in the attack on our nation's Capitol are now facing repercussions for partaking in the deadly riot, in a series of events almost as satisfying as that Wolf of Wall Street montage in which the feds arrest every Stratton Oakmont exec to the tune of The Lemonhead's "Mrs. Robinson".
Over the weekend, Jacob Anthony Chansley, a.k.a the buffalo-head-sporting "QAnon Shaman" whose creepy ensemble has taken over your social feeds and for some inexplicable reason, the hearts of several gay men on Twitter, was slapped with charges including violent entry and disorderly conduct, the BBC reported.
These charges come after Chansley reportedly called the FBI himself while driving back to his home state of Arizona, where he drew parallels between himself and Jesus Christ. "I trust in God and I know that I didn't do anything wrong," he told the federal agency. "And even if I was arrested, wasn't Gandhi arrested a lot? Wasn't Martin Luther King Jr. arrested a lot? Wasn't Jesus arrested? I put my trust in God, not the government." Damn, that's a pretty bold comparison for a 33-year-old man who still allegedly lives with his mom.
And it's not just the wackadoodle "Q Shaman" who has found himself in trouble with the law for partaking in what some are calling an act of domestic terrorism. Adam Johnson, the podium-stealing "Via Getty" nicknamed, Floridian stay-at-home-dad, who also stormed the capitol on Wednesday, was arrested on Saturday and faces a variety of charges, including theft of government property and violent entry, CNN reports.
Yet even the rioters who managed to evade arrest still aren't out of the woods. Aside from being absolutely decimated on Twitter, being compared to the cast of Duck Dynasty ...
and Cletus from The Simpsons ...
... several of these yahoos may now be stranded in Washington D.C., as both a flight attendant union and Mississippi Congressman, Rep. Bennie G. Thompson (D), have respectively called for measures banning insurgents from flying home after the deadly riot. Let's hope these hooligans have mastered their stowaway skills, or, well, have really, really comfortable gym shoes -- they're gonna need 'em for what may be the longest walk of shame known to man.
Celebs, too are not immune from this treatment. D-list indie douchecanoe, Ariel Pink, is also facing the music - or well, no longer facing the music -- for his involvement in the siege. On Friday, indie record label Mexican Summer tweeted that they would be ending their professional relationship with the pompous chillwave asswipe "due to recent events," disappointing literally no one, except for maybe your pretentious, edgelord-y roommate from 2009.
Yet it seems none of these participants are reaping the results of their poor choices as much as President Donald Trump. Accused of sparking this act of violence with several inflammatory tweets throughout the course of his presidency, Donnie has not only gotten himself permabanned from Twitter (albeit approximately five years too late), but may even get the boot from the White House with less than 9 days left until Joe Biden's presidential inauguration. Last week, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi called for Vice President Mike Pence to enact the 25th Amendment, which gives the VP the power to forcibly remove a sitting president from office. While some speculate Pence will not enact the previously unused amendment, lawmakers are likely to vote about a second impeachment for President Trump's as early as Wednesday, according to Reuters. To paraphrase the old viral adage, damn, that's crazy. Alexa, play 'That's What You Get" by Paramore.
So reader, as we continue to play a sad song on the world's smallest violin for our soon to be ex-Commander in Chief and his violent goons as they lay in the beds they made for themselves with their own poor choices, it seems safe to say that these "frickin fricks" may have finally learned the important lesson good 'ol Sammy has been trying to instill in all of us for years -- your actions do, in fact, have consequences -- especially when you're involved in a siege of our nation's Capitol.
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