Super Mario is the Mickey Mouse of video games: a beloved icon of goodness who is more of a corporate mascot than a character by now, and has definitely never touched a boob. Or at least that's what present-day Nintendo wants you to think. Just like with Mickey and his pals, the Mario franchise's past is full of hilariously disturbing moments that directly contradict the characters' wholesome and virginal image. Like when ...

Luigi Brags About The Size Of His Mushroom

For a long time, Luigi's only personality trait was "he's taller than Mario." An official Super Mario World strategy guide by Ape Inc. (creators of the Pokemon card game) extrapolated on that information by revealing that he's also longer ... down there. In the penis.

8 Mario Bros. Moments Nintendo Doesn't Want You To See - Luigi from the Super Mario World strategy guide bragging about the size of his willy
Ape Inc. via miloscat
"... Nelson album collection."

He seems quite proud of that fact, too, to his brother's embarrassment. Look at "Super" Mario shake in humiliation as Luigi goes TMI on a very awkward tortoise:

8 Mario Bros. Moments Nintendo Doesn't Want You To See - Luigi from the Super Mario World strategy guide bragging about the size of his willy
Ape Inc. via miloscat
Unless this is a "gets off on being shamed" shake, in which case ewww.

Note that Luigi isn't saying he's packing a massive piranha plant -- he's simply stating that he's bigger than Mario. And, considering that a very serious 2019 investigation based on some rather revealing Mario Tennis promotional art established that Luigi has an average-sized bulge, that isn't fantastic news for Mario's love interest, Princess Peach. Which perhaps helps explain the next one ...

Peach Gets Raunchy With Toad, Mario Kills Them Both

In the mid-'90s Nintendo released the Satellaview, a Japan-only peripheral that allowed the Super Nintendo to connect to the internet. So what did they do with this revolutionary technology? They used it to its fullest potential by broadcasting crude drawings of a man having sex with a lobster.

8 Mario Bros. Moments Nintendo Doesn't Want You To See - a scene from the Super Nintendo Satellaview peripheral depicting a man having sex with a lobster
Nintendo
Please sign our "Add Guy Screwing Lobster to Smash Bros." petition. 

That was seriously part of a "virtual magazine" Nintendo produced for the Satellaview, and it isn't even the most disturbing episode. A two-part story shows Mario breaking out of prison using a spoon he smuggled in his butt and a drill he smuggled in his scrotum (somehow). It's unclear why he was in jail but we have no doubt that he deserved it. But the most famous episode is the one in which Mario walks in on Princess Peach enjoying oral sex with his friend Toad ...

8 Mario Bros. Moments Nintendo Doesn't Want You To See - a scene from the Super Nintendo Satellaview peripheral depicting Peach and Toad having oral sex
Nintendo via Super Mario Wiki
8 Mario Bros. Moments Nintendo Doesn't Want You To See - a scene from the Super Nintendo Satellaview peripheral depicting Peach and Toad having oral sex
Nintendo via Super Mario Wiki
Turns out Toad's penis is Donald Trump-shaped.

... so he murders them both with his feet, like Edward Norton in America X. Then he lights a cigarette, which is the most out-of-character part for Mario so far (he'd stomped plenty of other living beings before).

8 Mario Bros. Moments Nintendo Doesn't Want You To See - a scene from the Super Nintendo Satellaview peripheral depicting Peach and Toad having oral sex
Nintendo via Super Mario Wiki
Nintendo via Super Mario Wiki
Mario's feet technically qualify as weapons of mass destruction.

Peach and Toad's ghosts then watch in shock as Mario introduces them to his new "girlfriend": Bowser. The end (of the broadcast, and your innocence). Damn, the internet was barely a thing and Nintendo was already ensuring that Rule 34 applied to Mario.

Yoshi Learns To Stop Being Racist

Yoshis have always come in various colors, but it took several years for the black Yoshi to be included in a game. How come? Easy: it's simply because the others hated him.

8 Mario Bros. Moments Nintendo Doesn't Want You To See - a scene from an old comic depicting racist Yoshis
Nintendo via miloscat
8 Mario Bros. Moments Nintendo Doesn't Want You To See - a scene from an old comic depicting racist Yoshis
Nintendo via miloscat
Those backwards caps should also count as hate crimes.

In a comic published in Nintendo's official Club Nintendo magazine in Germany, the other Yoshis meet their black brother for the first time and initially think he must be dirty, so they try to wash him off. When he says that's just his natural skin color, the others calmly explain that they "want nothing to do with him" because "black Yoshis are stupid" and possibly cannibalistic. The black Yoshi is so stunned by the blatant racism that he just stands there for hours, as if thinking "Did that seriously just happen in a Nintendo comic?"

8 Mario Bros. Moments Nintendo Doesn't Want You To See - a scene from an old comic depicting racist Yoshis
Nintendo via miloscat
"I mean, Sega I could see ..."

Of course, the black Yoshi eventually proves his worth by saving those intolerant dickheads when they're kidnapped by Magikoopa, at which point their racism is magikoopally cured. Then they all sit around a campfire and share instances of prejudice they've suffered, like when the green Yoshi was mistaken for a cactus.

8 Mario Bros. Moments Nintendo Doesn't Want You To See - a scene from an old comic depicting racist Yoshis
Nintendo via miloscat
Or when the black Yoshi was harassed by Kid Rock.

And so, despite its questionable beginning, the story ends on a good moral: never judge a Yoshi by the color of his skin (as long as he saved you from a turtle with magic powers).

Another strange artifact found in the leaks is this drawing of a building with some interesting stuff going on in its apartments, like a seemingly nude Mario, a seemingly nude Peach accompanied by a rather happy-looking Bowser, and Toad smoking.

8 Mario Bros. Moments Nintendo Doesn't Want You To See - an old Nintendo file depicting Mario Bros. characters naked in an apartment building
Nintendo via NintendoMetro
Probably because Peach was just there.

Unfortunately there are no other images of this type, so it looks like Nintendo gave up on Mario Cuckolding Simulator pretty early into development.

Mario Gets Fondled By A Handsy Pirate

Captain Syrup, the main antagonist of Super Mario Land 3 for the Game Boy, has the distinction of being the first female final boss in the entire Mario franchise. She's also the first one who has touched Mario's dick (such as it is).

8 Mario Bros. Moments Nintendo Doesn't Want You To See - an old Nintendo comic depicting Mario getting fondled by Captain Syrup
Kodansha via themushroomkingdom
8 Mario Bros. Moments Nintendo Doesn't Want You To See - an old Nintendo comic depicting Mario getting fondled by Captain Syrup
Kodansha via themushroomkingdom
[Insert "growing" sound effect from Super Mario Bros. here.]

In an issue of the official Super Mario manga, Captain Syrup thinks Mario is hiding a magic lamp and, seemingly unfamiliar with the male anatomy, she assumes that the bulge in Mario's pants must be it. Or maybe she just heard the "Mario is a eunuch" rumors. Whatever the case, she grows more violent upon not finding the lamp, but Mario, uh ... doesn't seem to mind.

8 Mario Bros. Moments Nintendo Doesn't Want You To See - an old Nintendo comic depicting Mario getting fondled by Captain Syrup
Kodansha via themushroomkingdom
8 Mario Bros. Moments Nintendo Doesn't Want You To See - an old Nintendo comic depicting Mario getting fondled by Captain Syrup
Kodansha via themushroomkingdom
Looks like the Genie's about to "come" out.

Anyway, we're pretty sure this is the most action Mario has gotten in his entire life.

Donkey Kong With A Gun Freaked Out Mario's Creator

Over the years, Nintendo has gone to great lengths to rehabilitate the image of Donkey Kong, probably the only video game hero who started out by kidnapping women and throwing barrels at people in the nude (at least he's wearing a tie now). That explains why Nintendo was so disturbed when the developers of Donkey Kong 64 showed them this:

8 Mario Bros. Moments Nintendo Doesn't Want You To See - an old Nintendo 64 scene depicting Donkey Kong with a gun
Nintendo via Super Mario Wiki
Instead of the Donkey Kong Rap, the opening song would have been Gangsta's Paradise.

During the making of the game, the developers were using realistic firearms as placeholders for whatever wacky weapon they might end up going with. DK had a shotgun and Diddy Kong carried dual handguns like a furry child hitman.

8 Mario Bros. Moments Nintendo Doesn't Want You To See - an old Nintendo 64 scene depicting Diddy Kong with a gun
Nintendo via Super Mario Wiki
First image from John Wick 7: Curse of the Weremonkey.

According to one of the developers, Donkey Kong and Mario's creator Shigeru Miyamoto was horrified when he saw one of his children looking like a GTA character. But, instead of protesting, he smiled, took a piece of paper, and drew a silly coconut gun in front of everyone -- probably because he assumed they were all packing heat and was afraid to upset them too much. The developers used his suggestion in the game, unaware that the coconut gun drawing looked a whole lot like the Japanese characters for "PLEASE DON'T KILL ME, I HAVE A FAMILY."

Mario Is Asked To Stay Away From Children (With Good Reason)

Donkey Kong is a surprisingly technical and competitive game, to the point that people actually bother cheating at it. So when it was remade and expanded for the Game Boy, Nintendo released an official strategy guide full of helpful suggestions like "please do not touch children." Wait, what?

8 Mario Bros. Moments Nintendo Doesn't Want You To See - an old Nintendo comic depicting Mario and Diddy Kong harassing children
Nintendo via miloscat
8 Mario Bros. Moments Nintendo Doesn't Want You To See - an old Nintendo comic depicting Mario and Diddy Kong harassing children
Nintendo via miloscat
Not even the ones who look like middle-aged accountants.

In the bizarre comic included in the strategy guide, Mario and Donkey Kong Jr. find some kids playing in a vacant lot and rush over to play with them -- only to be told that it's forbidden, because "kids playing in vacant lots" are an endangered species now (probably Nintendo's fault). But Mario and DK Jr. are completely obsessed with playing with these children, for some reason, so they shave themselves to appear younger. Unfortunately, when they come back to join the boys, they find out they're being kidnapped by some creepy vagrants who want to sell them for a "high price."

8 Mario Bros. Moments Nintendo Doesn't Want You To See - an old Nintendo comic depicting Mario and Diddy Kong harassing children
Nintendo via miloscat
8 Mario Bros. Moments Nintendo Doesn't Want You To See - an old Nintendo comic depicting Mario and Diddy Kong harassing children
Nintendo via miloscat
And yet none of the kidnappers is as creepy as the sight of Mario without a mustache.

Donkey Kong Sr. shows up to beat up the kidnappers at this point, and Mario leaves the kids with the following words of wisdom:

8 Mario Bros. Moments Nintendo Doesn't Want You To See - an old Nintendo comic depicting Mario and Diddy Kong harassing children
Nintendo via miloscat
Congratulations, you're going to jail just for looking at this panel.

Mario Kart's Censored Booze And Tobacco

The Mario Kart games arguably do more world-building than any other part of the Mario franchise because of all those banners and billboards on the sides of the tracks. That's how we know that, for instance, some Bowser minions have their own airlines, Luigi has his own tire company, and Mario sells ... cancer?

8 Mario Bros. Moments Nintendo Doesn't Want You To See - an old Nintendo 64 scene depicting Mario brand cigarettes in the Japanese version of the game
Nintendo via themushroomkingdon
So that smoke isn't coming from the exhaust pipe.

That is the exact logo for Marlboro cigarettes, only Mario-fied. Does Mario own the company or is he being paid to promote it to his audience of impressionable children and stunted adults? Neither option is great. And just to confirm that Nintendo knew they were doing something wrong: they changed it in the U.S. version.

That's not the only thing Nintendo has censored in a Mario Kart game. In the U.S. version of Super Mario Kart for Super Nintendo, the characters celebrate coming in 1st place by throwing a bottle of champagne around. But in Japan, Peach opens it and turns red as she begins chugging:

Meanwhile, we're not sure if Bowser of drinking it or pouring the alcohol on his chest like he's at Mardi Gras:

But at least they're drinking after driving, so that's something.

Maxwell Yezpitelok co-runs a Nintendo-centric YouTube channel, NintendoDuo.

Top image: Nintendo

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