4 Stupidly Unlucky Ways People Died

When it's your time, it's your time. But, sometimes, the Grim Reaper gets bored of the usual heart attack and cancer way of killing mortals. Instead, it gets stupidly creative. Like when ...

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4
A Viking Got Killed By The Head Of His Decapitated Foe

When Harald I, the first king of Norway, claimed the throne after uniting the Viking tribes, not everyone immediately fell in line and kissed the ring. Like most crownings, King Harald needed to go with the "talk shit and find out" route for a bit -- winning battles and raids. One of his commanders that stood out during these trying times was Rognvald Eysteinsson. Eysteinsson fought by King Harald's side, keeping opposing raiders at bay while raiding Norse pirates in turn. Since a smart king understands that a fruit basket isn't considered an adequate "thanks!" for annihilating one's enemies, Harald offered Rognvald the position of Earl of Orkney and the Shetland Islands, where his son, Ivar, died fighting pirates. 

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To summarize: the average Viking did more amazing stuff on a lazy Sunday than you will if you live to be 1,000.
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However, Rognvald wasn't interested -- ruling over the land where your child has died isn't really that tempting of an offer -- and instead gave the title to his brother, Sigurd. Sigurd wasn't just a wuss who rode his brother's coattails. After he assumed the position, he immediately made ties and allied with Thorstein the Red, a former Viking warlord, to expand his influence. Everything went well. Perhaps too well. In Moray, one of his newly conquered territories, he found himself feuding with a local noble, Mael "Bucktoothed" Brigte. Vikings gonna Viking, so it was decided to settle everything once and for all.

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Mael Bucktoothed brought with him 40 men as what was agreed upon. Sigurd brought with him 40 horses ... but each horse was carrying two men as if that wouldn't be too obvious. Bucktoothed quickly saw Sigurd lazy attempt to cheat and yelled the 9th-century equivalent of, "OMG hax!" before he and his men were eventually slaughtered. Sigurd ordered his troops to decapitate their fallen enemies and strap the heads on their horses, parading them as trophies Red Wedding-style. But karma came back to bite him. Literally. 

Even when decapitated, Bucktoothed hadn't raised the white flag just yet. While riding back to his stronghold, the big bucked teeth on Bucktoothed's bouncing head pierced Sigurd's flesh. The wound eventually got infected, leading to Sigurd dying of sepsis and Bucktoothed getting a slight bump on his k/d ratio.  

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3
Jim Creighton Swung A Baseball Bat So Hard He Died

Jim Creighton was a great baseball player, so great that he's considered the game's first professional player. He had a "speedball" and "slowball" and mastered the art of disguising his pitches with a subtle flick of his wrist (which was considered illegal then). Creighton was also a good hitter, as well as a cricket player.

Via Wikimedia Commons
Bonus: the dude was straight dapper.
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In 1862, he was at the peak of his prime ... which came to an abrupt end with one hit. During an at-bat, Creighton smashed a homer so hard that the force of the swing ruptured his bladder. He struggled to run to the bases, then eventually collapsed and died a few days later. 

For what he meant to the game, you'd think there wouldn't be any hesitation to honor Creighton as a superstar who died for the sport. But the president of the Excelsiors, the team Creighton was playing for, didn't think rupturing his bladder while playing baseball was a good look. Instead, the team claimed that Creighton received the injury while playing cricket, which, as we all know, is highly dubious since most cricket deaths just come from boredom.  

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2
Conquistador Died Trying To Stab A Hungry Dog

During the age of discovery, life-expectancy for conquistadors wasn't great. A lot died fighting natives in their bid to colonize steal their land. One, however, died trying to steal dinner from a dog. 

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"Things are about to get rrrrrruuufffff ... for you."
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In 1541, Melchor Diaz met with the Yuman Tribe. Like the usual meeting between the conqueror and his victims, things escalated into a fight. The Spaniards won and slaughtered and enslaved a lot of the Yuman. What remained of Diaz's group crossed the river and the desert with a dwindling stock of water and took with them their horses and a flock of sheep as walking food supplies. With his newly acquired slaves, Diaz had more manpower, but he also had more mouths to feed. He ended up assigned his slaves to guard the sheep and keep the pesky wild dogs from spoiling their stock.

However, one dog managed to slip through and went straight for the wooly buffet. Something snapped within Diaz; he rushed in on his horse, jumping over the gate and throwing his lance at the dog. Things should've ended with the lance making dog-kebab, but Diaz missed, and while his horse continued to gallop, the blunt end of the lance somehow pierced through his gut. After 21 days (147 in dog days) of agony, Diaz die-- uh, was sent to a huge farm upstate, with lots of other conquistadors to play with.

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1
Woman Died From An Allergic Reaction While Doing A Dog

Look, the vast unending supply of My Little Pony/Sonic/Space Jam/etc. Rule 34 and real-life furries have made it pretty clear people will go past regular humans in terms of things to sexualize. However, one 43-year old mother of four in Ireland didn't want to settle for that animated and/or mascot nonsense. She wanted the real thing. 

"Seriously?  Dogs again?  We're beginning to rethink this 'Man's best friend' thing."
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In 2011, she was about to turn her gross fantasy into reality with the help of Sean McDonnell, whom she met in an internet chatroom. McDonnell was another bestiality enthusiast who was more than willing to assist the woman in getting some literal doggy-style from his German Shephard-- er, Shepherd. At least that was the plan; what wasn't a part was her being found dead, wearing some "unusual clothing," in McDonell's house a few hours after getting her Scooby snacks.

Nobody knew what went wrong, especially not McDonnell, since he was the one who phoned the ambulance once the woman started to act weird. Forensic evidence suggests that the woman died of a heart attack from a possible severe allergic reaction. To what, you ask? They weren't able to determine, but we'll just point out that some people get allergic reactions from just petting a dog and leave it at that.

Top image: Anneka/Shutterstock

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