Before I got paid to chronicle the struggles of making fudge out of a half-pound of Velveeta cheese and detail the saga of a biker riding from Poo Poo Point, Washington, to Pee Pee Creek, Ohio, I, for a period of time, was a young social media reporter working for a finance news institution, toting a decent working knowledge of stocks and business matters. 

I was there for it all, the Dow hitting 30 thou in January, the iconic and incredibly underrated "Mapgate" incident, where one of my colleagues accidentally created the most gloriously cursed U.S. map known to man as well as the market crash and shocking rebound surrounding the Covid-19 pandemic. In other words, I was basically the journalistic equivalent of Jordan Belfort, minus the fraud, lies, prison time, and a movie where I'm played by Leonardo DeCaprio, and my wife by Margot Robbie (although I hope I can change that one last part). 

Yet today, I am here to give you the best piece of investing advice I've gleaned throughout my time working in business news. Stock markets will fluctuate. Assets will depreciate. But giant 12-foot decorative skeletons, however, are forever -- the investment of a lifetime. Yep, you read that right, a 12-foot decorative skeleton, or if you want to get more technical, the  "12 ft. Giant-Sized Skeleton with LifeEyes." Dubbed the "Halloween decoration of the year," Home Depot's $299 skeleton, which is approximately two and a half times as tall as America's Sweetheart, Danny DeVito, has going viral, unofficially nabbing the title of spooky season accessory of the year.  

While upon first glance, this may seem like another viral piece of iconic Halloween decor, gaining lots ...

... and lots ...

... and lots ...

... of attention on social media, and even a piece of fan art ...

... according to Twitter user @blauer_geist, the massive skeleton is so much more than a big guy to tower over your house -- he's the Home Depot-Americanization of the Japanese legend of Gashadokuro. 

According to Wikipedia, Gashadokuro, which translates to "starving skeleton," are mythological creatures, 15 times taller than the average person, allegedly created from the bones of people who died from starvation or in battle and were never buried. They emerge after midnight, biting off traveler's heads and drinking their spewing blood, like a weird human juice box. Nice, exactly what we need in 2020!

Yet that's not even the scariest part of this story, dear reader. Due to their incredible digital popularity, they've sold out at Home Depot, and now are being sold on Amazon and eBay for up to $1,400. Spooky stuff. 

If you're a Gashadokuro, Carly can be found literally nowhere -- she's just a mythical creature of the internet and not a lone traveler. If you're not, she can be found on Instagram at @HuntressThompson and on Twitter @TennesAnyone.

 

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