The Kardashians Are Cancelled (And Teenage Me Is Super Bummed)
Last week, the world tragically lost one of its most treasured pop culture institutions when E!'s hit reality TV show, Keeping Up With the Kardashians, was suddenly and unexpectedly cancelled after 20 seasons. From meltdowns over losing diamond earrings in the ocean ...
... to mom-assisted Playboy photo shoots ...
...and even a government investigation or two ...
KUWTK brought laughter, tears, and most importantly, a seemingly infinite number of iconic reaction gifs to viewers around the globe. According to Kris Jenner, Khloe can't stop crying -- and to be honest, neither can I. Over the span of 14 years and three decades, the five sisters, momager Kris Jenner, and the rest of the Kardashians found themselves in increasingly absurd (and definitely not scripted) scenarios. Screaming matches over who is the most interesting to look at, Kris Jenner hiring former adult film star Bree Olson to babysit Kendall and Kylie, and even a handbag smackdown between Kim and Khloe, are all among Keeping Up's complicated, and undeniably captivating legacy.
The show is survived by its many spin-offs, Revenge Body with Khloe Kardashian, Lord Disick's reality property refurb show, Flip it Like Disick, and small, and only sometimes ashamed loyal fanbase, including myself, the writer of this surreal reality show obituary. Premiering only a few months after my 11th birthday, for better or worse, Keeping Up has been a constant source of entertainment -- and aesthetic inspiration -- throughout the majority of my life.
In 2007, fifth-grade Carly consistently made it a point to emulate Kim Kardashian's mid-aughts lewks, rocking (not just wearing, rocking) pink Juicy Couture Track suits, long tops and chunky belts, and even the occasional vest and t-shirt combo. At the time, I thought I looked FIERCE, but ... well ... I'll let you judge for yourself.
A few years (and a minor glow-up) later, my hours spent binging KUWTK taught me one of the most valuable lessons I've carried with me through my life -- how to contour. While sometimes I'll still forget to blend it out, unknowingly leaving the house with small brown lines marking the underside of my cheekbones, I credit this discovery from taking me from a 4 to a solid 7, and preventing the uni-chin as depicted above from ever rearing its ugly head in my photos.
Yet not all Kardashian-popularized beauty secrets are created equal. In 2015, I decided to try to get Kylie Jenner's signature pout at home, overlining my lips, and in a moment of particular weakness, even briefly suctioned them inside of a Snapple bottle. I looked very Kylie-esque and Instagrammable ... until the swelling set in about 30 seconds later. Don't try this at home at the risk of looking like your new favorite sleep paralysis demon, 19-year-old me.
Passing trends aside, throughout this entire 14-year period, I often wondered how rich/successful I'd be if Kris Jenner was my mother. While I could never come up with an exact net worth, I still regularly turned to the legendary #momager, who famously works harder than the Devil himself, for personal branding inspiration. Considering you haven't heard of me, clearly these tactics aren't gospel, but WWKJMED (What would Kris Jenner, Momager Extraordinaire Do?) has been a long pervasive mantra in curating my social feeds.
To Kris, Kourtney, Kim, Khloe, Kendall, Kylie, and the whole KUWTK Krew -- thank you for your years of entertainment. I hope wherever you are (probably enjoying a salad somewhere in the magical land of Calabasas, CA), you know that you *were* the most interesting to look at -- at least on Sundays at 9/8c on E!.