Soap Operas Will Shoot Sex Scenes With Sex Dolls

The soap opera The Bold and The Beautiful will be going back into production. Please, please, contain your joy. You're causing a ruckus. Look, I know that's not terribly exciting news for our readership, but there are a few details regarding the show's return that might be of interest to you, a horny person who also enjoys shoddily produced sex scenes. What with the global pandemic and all, the show has to take extra precautions when filming said sex scenes and even simple kisses between actors. So goodbye to this:

And hello to changes that are going to make expressions of love and passion as hot as an adult man making two nude Barbies 69.

For on-screen kisses, actors will be filmed separately, entirely on their own, and performing their smooch super close to the camera. Later in editing, the two halves of the kiss will be stitched together. Every kiss is going to be devastatingly handsome men waggling their tongues around like a high school virgin practicing a French kiss with their own reflection as a gorgeous woman flaps her lips like a fish nibbling on flakes, then the two will be pressed up against each other to tantalize the home viewer. Never before or ever again will you be so aroused by a Muppet's mouth trying to suck the skin off a salamander.

The sex scenes will also require a little creative finesse. Actors' spouses will act as stand-ins for sex scene scenes that require physical contact. In some cases, blow-up dolls will be used. Maybe there's a way to handle this elegantly, but it seems like we're going to see two white people kissing across different area codes, then cut to a close up of a black hand groping at a white lady, then for the wide shot, the man will dry hump a perpetually surprised plastic woman who squeaks in ecstasy. If you aren't turned on by that, it means your genitals are functioning as they should be, carry on.

The most fascinating detail the show's executive producer revealed to Forbes is that this isn't the sex doll's first time on the show. It's been used on and off over the past 15 years in various capacities, like, "when people were presumed dead." Oh, to be the actor who has to muster up a mental boner powerful enough to convincingly bang a plastic doll that's supposed to be their spouse but once played their evil sibling who died in a car accident in season 18.

Sadly, after some Googling around, I couldn't find photo evidence of these sex dolls/corpses that the show has been using for 15 years. I especially didn't find anything that one time when I Googled "the brave and the bold show sex dolls," mixing up the soap opera The Bold and the Beautiful with the animated Batman TV series The Brave and the Bold that ran from 2008 to 2011.

I'm very happy my search ended with Google telling me it couldn't find anything even remotely matching my query. The shock of seeing a fuckable cartoon Batman doll as voiced by Diedrich Bader when I was actually looking for the sex doll that once played a dead person on a daytime soap opera would have blown my mind out clear out of the galaxy.

Luis can be found on Twitter and Facebook. Catch him on the "In Broad Daylight" podcast with Cracked alums Adam Tod Brown and Ian Fortey! Check out his regular contributions to Macaulay Culkin's BunnyEars.com and his "Meditation Minute" segments on the Bunny Ears podcast. Listen to the first episode on Youtube!

Top Image: CBS