Our Current Reality Is 'Hellboy's Ron Pearlman Challenging Ted Cruz To Fight


Ron Pearlman, the face of the Hellboy franchise, and Senator Ted Cruz, the face of Hell, are in a wrestling feud, and the story of how we got to this point is as crazy as you'd expect. (Hold on tight because getting there might take a little bit.)

It started after Florida Representative Matt Gaetz said this:

To which Ron Pearlman responded:

Gaetz replied:

It went back and forth from there until Pearlman, for some reason, decided to bring representative Jim Jordan into the mix.

So this is the point where our boy Teddy decided to jump into the fray to defend the vanity of Jim Jordan. Cruz challenged Pearlman to a wrestling match ... against Jordan.

What makes it even dumber, is that Jordan is embroiled in a sexual abuse coverup involving -- wait for it -- college wrestlers.

Why is it not surprising that Ted Cruz would challenge someone to a fight with someone else as the opponent? If Ted Cruz was born with a spine, it has since vacated his body and is now being dissected by scientists in an attempt to find the genetic markers for cowardice. Ron Pearlman is aware of this fact writing, "Holy shit man! Is this the same guy let little Donnie call his wife a dog and his father an assassin and now kisses his ass? Yo, can I get your autograph man?" Perlman then tweeted this:

And here we are. Ted Cruz now has a standing invitation from Ron Pearlman to go mano-a-mano. Meanwhile, a delightfully bizarre byproduct of this is that everyone is getting acquainted with Jim Jordan's sordid past, despite this guy never really being involved.

Ted Cruz is literally pimping someone else to fight his fights and, in the same breath, calling his would-be opponent soft. To then follow that up with "need to get a manicure?" makes it all the more incredible, as if Ted Cruz wouldn't be completely leveled by any fist, manicured or otherwise. In the world of toothless trash talkers, Ted Cruz ranks below the kid saying, "I'm rubber and you're glue," right before he gets a wedgie. But even that paints too sympathetic a picture because you might feel bad for a little kid who gets in over his head talking smack with the big dogs, but, by God, does Ted Cruz deserve to get a wedgie.

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Top Image: vagueonthehow/Wiki Commons, US Senate

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