Despite the country falling apart and COVID-19 numbers are continuing to climb, Florida theme parks are beginning to open up this week. This includes Legoland and Universal Orlando; meaning fans can finally go see a masked Velma stand at least six feet away from Daphne while Scooby-Doo awkwardly gyrates between them, oblivious to the palpable sexual tension.
Now comes word that Disney World is planning to open back up in early July, so long as the Pirates of the Caribbean haven't become sentient and formed a new robot society along with the Country Bears and every U.S. President. Meanwhile, Disney Springs, the park's marketplace, is already open. And to ensure everyone maintains social distance while shopping, they've enlisted ... Stormtroopers?
Yup two First Order Stormtroopers come out, casually exchange humorous banter and yell at onlookers, all while promoting the idea of social distancing. Which would be funnier if they weren't canonically child soldiers stolen from their homes.
Okay, we have a few issues with this. One, though it's unclear if this practice has continued through to this week, we're reasonably sure that now isn't the best time to mine the hilarity of brutal, militaristic police forces working for an authoritarian regime. Especially one whose leader loves using their power to choke the living breath out of people.
Secondly, even within the context of the Star Wars movies, this makes no sense; the Stormtroopers are the bad guys. We've all been raised to rebel against what Stormtroopers stand for, not heed their helpful medical advice. In this make-believe reality, these social distancing reminders should be delivered by the shrill, nagging, British accent coming out of C-3PO. Meanwhile, it remains to be seen whether the park's temperature checks will be carried out by humans or Jedi with lightsaber-shaped rectal thermometers.