5 Deeply Cursed Attempts To Cash In On Coronavirus on Amazon
It unfortunately won't surprise you to learn that Amazon has been flooded with coronavirus scams, whether it's a 92 dollar UV wand that "Can Kill COVID-19" or everyday lab goggles cranked up to $120. But there's humdrum profiteering, and then there's the meeting point of greed and madness. Come, journey with us through Amazon's bleak underworld.
An Anti-Coronavirus Window Decal So Everyone Knows Where You Stand
Picture this hellish scenario: you're supposed to be self-isolating, but you need to go on an important errand. Will people think you're pro-virus, then pelt you with rotting vegetables? You can't take that risk. To avoid this nightmare, you need a decal that makes your anti-pandemic stance clear.
Calvin has urinated on everything from car manufacturers to sports teams, but the coronavirus represents his ultimate challenge. As he battles on our behalf, you can rest assured that all the honking directed at you is of unbridled support.
Wacky Shirts For "Hilarious" People
If you want to be the life of the party you shouldn't be going to, you'll need to stand out. Luckily for you, misanthropic graphic designers have your back.
Do you get it? We know it's a bit of a thinker, as very few people have drawn the connection between coronavirus and Corona beer. Thankfully, those wordsmiths deigned to share their observation with the masses before returning to work on their Pulitzer winning plays. But if you don't get the uproarious laughter you're looking for, you might need a lowbrow pop culture reference accessible to everyone.
Why, it's everyone's favorite force sensitive marketing product, Baby Yoda! The creator of this shirt was inspired by Googling "popular characters," "odds of copyright lawsuit" and "masturbate with 100 dollar bills ease emotional guilt?" Which takes us to...
Yes, nothing makes people horny like a pandemic, although this shirt actually serves as a screening process in its own right. Any sexual partner willing to wear or respond to it would accidentally punch you in the throat while trying to take your jacket off, then ask "Are you good?" after they achieved orgasm by fiddling with your belt buckle. But hey, at least you might get a couple grim chuckles from the bar's most dedicated alcoholics before you learn that all your public activity led to the infection of your grandparents.
A Very Important Informational Sign!
We realize this has been a somewhat confusing article, but we think "Retro Metal Decor Wall Plaque Vintage Tin Sign for House Cafe Club Home Or Bar" is pretty self-explanatory.
Now whenever anyone asks "Can eating garlic help prevent infection with the new coronavirus?" you can just tap the sign. But remember to consult your sign on how to wear a mask during these interactions.
We hope that clears things up.
Serious Shirts For Serious People
Earlier, some of you looked at those "comical" shirts and clucked in disapproval. These are serious times, and you want to communicate how seriously you're taking them, while also communicating that you washed out of the Marines for taking a fudge break during the morning run but still play a lot of Call of Duty.
Never Underestimate A NEGLECTFUL FATHER Who DRINKS CRANBERRY JUICE, Was Born During A BRISK KENTUCKY SPRING, And Will HEADBUTT The CORONAVIRUS In Its UTERUS. But what if, instead of merely taking a stance, you could help control the pandemic?
Youths today with their TikToks and their Slendermens might think that "going viral" is hep, but you'll be a real-life Apex Legend when you teach them otherwise and save us all. Just remember to be aware. Be aware, goddammit!
It may cost 23 bucks and another 16 for shipping, but how else are we going to educate mountain men who drank the accursed liquor of Henry Hudson's ghost crew and are only just now waking from their 20 year slumbers?
A Shower Curtain, For Some Reason
This is it. This is the culmination of using an algorithm to help generate Amazon products. It's also the ultimate method for letting your date know that you're about to harvest their nose.
You can decorate your whole house in Hell Kitsch. How about a nice table runner, so-named because they let your table guests know to run while there's still time?
Fools! They've fled straight to the living room, to witness the last piece of art anyone sees before they're de-spleened.
Sure, "Warm-Tone Art Corona-Virus Canvas Prints Framed Wall Art Oil Paintings for Dinning Room Bedroom Home Office Modern Wall Decor White" isn't by some famous painter, but at just 33 dollars it can only appreciate in value. Plus it's a "Perfect Presents And Gifts For Your Relatives And Friends." We just saved your anniversary, and you're welcome. That leaves the bedroom.
"Stop Coronavirus," you remind yourself every morning. "Stop Coronavirus," you remind yourself every night. "Stop Coronavirus," you remind yourself as you are overcome by the whimsy of your "LIVE. LOVE. CAN EATING GARLIC HELP PREVENT INFECTION WITH THE NEW CORONAVIRUS?" sign and feel the uncontrollable urge to frolic.
The great part is that even after the coronavirus is stopped you'll still be able to run the world's most disturbing Airbnb.
Mark is on Twitter and wrote a book.
