6 'Nice' Characters That Really Were Giant Dirtbags
In recent years, a lot of public figures have been called out or even gotten into legal trouble for sexual harassment or assault. This is why Woody Allen movies are as popular as heat rash and used record stores are minotaur-riddled mazes of unwanted Bill Cosby albums. But what about our major fictional characters? Why should they evade accountability? In retrospect, some of them are absolute scumbos. Think about how ...
Tony Stark Would Never Have Survived MeToo
We're all sad that Tony Stark is dead and stuck in some kind of nightmarish purgatory full of talking animals. But maybe it's for the best that this happened before any public reckoning over his past behavior. Remember how his private plane has a retractable stripper pole? Did he pay his flight attendants strip for his amusement, or did he hire strippers to be his flight crew? Is there a good answer to this question?
Of course, this was all before he became Iron Man. But even after his near-death experience, Tony has some cringey encounters with women. Like Pepper, to whom he says things a CEO should 100% never say to his assistant.
OK, but that doesn't count, because they later fall in love and get married. But then in Iron Man 2, when he meets Black Widow, who is undercover as a Stark employee, he gawks at her for an uncomfortable length of time.
He insists that she should be his assistant, purely because he wants to have sex with her. He literally met her a minute and a half earlier.
Then he starts Googling lingerie photos of her while she's still in the room. Putting a cap on it, he then tells Pepper "I want one."
Of course, Tony continued to grow and mature as the films progressed, but we're sure lucky Thanos didn't ultimately win while Iron Man's dumb ass was tangled up in multiple lawsuits worthy of 24-hour TMZ coverage.
Apparently, If It Wasn't For His Wheelchair, Professor X Would Have Hit On His Students
It turns out Professor Charles Xavier may not be the world's most trustworthy educator. Not just because he uses his school to secretly recruit minors into a radical group of militants, but also because he has a history of creeping on his students. We're all used to the Jean Grey / Wolverine / Cyclops love triangle, but in the beginning, Professor X also wanted to hook up with Jean, who he's been entrusted to instruct. When Grey first becomes Xavier's student way back in X-Men #1, he introduces her to the rest of the gang, and is weirdly cool with them ogling and even straight-up groping her.
In the third issue, Professor X's inner monologue reveals that he's in love with Jean, but he can "never tell her." Because he's a grown-ass man and she's a teenager? Because she's his student? Nope! He doesn't want to make a move because he's "confined" to a wheelchair.
Now we can't help but see Cerebro as the comic book equivalent of a tinted van full of candy.
Dewey From School Of Rock Should Have Gone To Jail
We all love School Of Rock, the story of how Dewey Finn (Jack Black) cons his way into teaching at a private school and introduces his students to the power of rock and roll -- and identity theft. It's since become a Nickelodeon TV show and a Broadway musical. Mind you, this is a movie about an adult who commits fraud and is left alone with a bunch of children.
If that wasn't bad enough, he secretly smuggles the kids out of school to audition for a battle of the bands. At one point he loses track of one of the kids, who is literally in the back of a stranger's van.
Luckily, it belongs to a band and not a murderer. And in the end, after Dewey's caught, he becomes a music teacher for real, despite all this creepy behavior. That's like if Bonnie & Clyde ended with the couple being given jobs as bank managers. Also, shouldn't he be in jail? He committed multiple crimes, right? Hell, when the police come for him, it cuts to him running down the hall.
Almost Famous-- Stillwater Are A Bunch Of Statutory Rapists
Almost Famous, Cameron Crowe's acclaimed rock n roll coming-of-age story about a love triangle between a teenager, another teenager, and a grown-ass man. Kate Hudson's groupie character, Penny Lane, is 16. Which makes all the scenes in which she hooks up with Russell Hammond, the lead singer of Stillwater, kind of extremely gross.
Also, she's been hanging around with the band for at least a year, which means she first got together with Russell when she was 15.
Almost Famous is a heartwarming story about a teen boy befriending a bunch of statutory rapists. One might defend this as an accurate reflection of the kind of sordid hijinks that happened all the time in the '70s, while America was distracted by Watergate and Burt Reynolds' mustache. But consider that the real-life inspiration for Hudson's character didn't start hanging around with bands until she was 17, which was apparently a little too long in the tooth for Crowe.
The Oscar-Winning Musical Seven Brides For Seven Brothers Is Basically A Horror Movie
You may have never seen or heard of Seven Brides For Seven Brothers, but the 1954 musical is a classic. Judging by the name, it sure sounds romantic. At the time, it was actually marketed as "MGM's Love-Making Musical" -- presumably because 1950s America wasn't ready for "MGM's Musical That Totally Fucks."
But don't let the wholesome exterior fool you. These characters are deeply disturbing, twisted individuals. The story is basically The Hills Have Eyes, but with songs. The movie follows seven brothers who live in the mountains during the 1800s. During a trip into town, they meet some girls they fancy, so these smitten lads decide to ... leave, then return under cover of darkness and abduct them. Seriously, they grab these women, shove sacks over their heads, and throw them screaming onto a sleigh like some kind of human-trafficking Santa.
Then they purposefully cause an avalanche so that none of these women's families can save them.
In the end, the brothers and their abductees all marry -- not out of love, but because the townspeople finally reach them and force a mass shotgun wedding after it's become apparent that they've all had sex.
Geordi La Forge Should Have Been Fired
While the original Star Trek never delved into Scotty's crippling inability to get laid, The Next Generation often found Chief Engineer Geordi La Forge awkwardly alienating the Enterprise's female population.
Adding to Geordi's incel energy is a long-running storyline beginning in the episode "Booby Trap." With the Enterprise in peril, La Forge turns to the holodeck -- not for another cringey beachfront date, but to consult a holographic representation of the designer of the ship's engine, Dr. Leah Brahms. Geordi modifies the program and injects Brahms with a personality. And he's finally able to connect with a woman ... because he'scontrolling her. He eventually realizes it's not real, so he ends the program. But not before totally making out with Dr. Brahms.
The next year, in the episode "Galaxy's Child," the real Dr. Brahms comes to visit. And even though she's kind of a jerk, Geordi still relentlessly hits on her, which seems unprofessional, to say the least. Geordi backs off when he finds out she's married. But then she stumbles upon his holographic facsimile of her and is understandably horrified. She basically accuses Geordi of holo-rape.
Naturally, Geordi apologizes and asks for forgiv- kidding, he responds by yelling at her. Despite the fact that she feels "violated" by his icky behavior, he somehow acts as though he's the real victim because she was slightly rude to him earlier.
He claims that the only thing he's "guilty" of is offering her "friendship."
They end up working together in order to save the Enterprise, and in the end, she does indeed apologize to him. Shouldn't this have culminated with Geordi being dragged into Starfleet's HR department?
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