6 'Nice' Characters Who Were Actually Giant Dirtbags

6

Tony Stark Would Never Have Survived MeToo

We're all sad that Tony Stark is dead and stuck in some kind of nightmarish purgatory full of talking animals. But maybe it's for the best that this happened before any public reckoning over his past behavior. Remember how his private plane has a retractable stripper pole? Did he pay his flight attendants strip for his amusement, or did he hire strippers to be his flight crew? Is there a good answer to this question?

Paramount PicturesAlso, where the hell does that pole retract to? Planes don't have 9 feet of clearance chilling below the floor.

Of course, this was all before he became Iron Man. But even after his near-death experience, Tony has some cringey encounters with women. Like Pepper, to whom he says things a CEO should 100% never say to his assistant.

Paramount Pictures

Paramount PicturesCut the flying sci-fi suit, and this movie becomes a corporate training video on workplace harassment.

OK, but that doesn't count, because they later fall in love and get married. But then in Iron Man 2, when he meets Black Widow, who is undercover as a Stark employee, he gawks at her for an uncomfortable length of time.

Paramount Pictures

Paramount Pictures

He insists that she should be his assistant, purely because he wants to have sex with her. He literally met her a minute and a half earlier.

Paramount Pictures

Then he starts Googling lingerie photos of her while she's still in the room. Putting a cap on it, he then tells Pepper "I want one."

Paramount PicturesWhich, yeah, pretty standard billionaire thing to say, but still a bit below-board in what we're looking for in a superhero.

5

Apparently, If It Wasn't For His Wheelchair, Professor X Would Have Hit On His Students

It turns out Professor Charles Xavier may not be the world's most trustworthy educator. Not just because he uses his school to secretly recruit minors into a radical group of militants, but also because he has a history of creeping on his students. We're all used to the Jean Grey / Wolverine / Cyclops love triangle, but in the beginning, Professor X also wanted to hook up with Jean, who he's been entrusted to instruct. When Grey first becomes Xavier's student way back in X-Men #1, he introduces her to the rest of the gang, and is weirdly cool with them ogling and even straight-up groping her.

Marvel Comics

Marvel ComicsGroped by another doctorate-holding educator, specifically. Somebody at Marvel was none too fond of their college teachers.

4

Dewey From School Of Rock Should Have Gone To Jail

We all love School Of Rock, the story of how Dewey Finn (Jack Black) cons his way into teaching at a private school and introduces his students to the power of rock and roll -- and identity theft. It's since become a Nickelodeon TV show and a Broadway musical. Mind you, this is a movie about an adult who commits fraud and is left alone with a bunch of children.

Paramount Pictures

Paramount Pictures"Let's focus less on the falsified background check and more on nailing 'War Pigs.'"

3

Almost Famous -- Stillwater Are A Bunch Of Statutory Rapists

Almost Famous, Cameron Crowe's acclaimed rock n roll coming-of-age story about a love triangle between a teenager, another teenager, and a grown-ass man. Kate Hudson's groupie character, Penny Lane, is 16. Which makes all the scenes in which she hooks up with Russell Hammond, the lead singer of Stillwater, kind of extremely gross.

DreamWorks PicturesGross but normal by the standards of rock star behavior, that is.

Also, she's been hanging around with the band for at least a year, which means she first got together with Russell when she was 15.

DreamWorks Pictures"That's right, Penny. Lean in and whisper what you know I love to hear ..."
"I am unfamiliar with both state and federal laws on consent."

2

The Oscar-Winning Musical Seven Brides For Seven Brothers Is Basically A Horror Movie

You may have never seen or heard of Seven Brides For Seven Brothers, but the 1954 musical is a classic. Judging by the name, it sure sounds romantic. At the time, it was actually marketed as "MGM's Love-Making Musical" -- presumably because 1950s America wasn't ready for "MGM's Musical That Totally Fucks."

Loew's Inc.The plot has aged about as well as its claim to having the gayest color.

1

Geordi La Forge Should Have Been Fired

While the original Star Trek never delved into Scotty's crippling inability to get laid, The Next Generation often found Chief Engineer Geordi La Forge awkwardly alienating the Enterprise's female population.

Paramount Domestic TelevisionAw, c'mon LeVar, please don't make us do this, man ...

Adding to Geordi's incel energy is a long-running storyline beginning in the episode "Booby Trap." With the Enterprise in peril, La Forge turns to the holodeck -- not for another cringey beachfront date, but to consult a holographic representation of the designer of the ship's engine, Dr. Leah Brahms. Geordi modifies the program and injects Brahms with a personality. And he's finally able to connect with a woman ... because he's controlling her. He eventually realizes it's not real, so he ends the program. But not before totally making out with Dr. Brahms.

Paramount Domestic TelevisionThe fact that the holodeck can simulate any sexual misadventure imaginable makes this more creepy.