Some people have to get used to the idea that sometimes women who can be hardly be considered scantily clad will appear on your television with little forewarning and you'll be sucked into hell to be tortured by demons for eternity as a consequence. It's just a part of life. But don't tell that to hardcore Christian and right-wing activist Dave Daubenmire, who is threatening to sue the NFL because he was unprepared for the eternally damning combo of sin and infectious Latin pop rhythms on display during the Super Bowl halftime show.
Dave feels like the NFL's wanton display of "crotch shots" that amounted to "peddled porn" will keep him "from getting into the kingdom of heaven", and all because Shakira and Jennifer Lopez paraded around on stage in Miami wearing clothing less skimpy than anything thousands of women in Miami wear every day. Dave argues that he could "go into a courtroom and say 'Viewing what you put on that screen put me in danger of hellfire'" and, you know, he has a point. God may work in mysterious ways, but he's pretty clear-cut on sending you on a direct flight to hell if you so much as feel an inkling of a boner cropping up when your eyes catch the briefest glimpse of a woman's kneecaps.
"Were there any warnings before that Super Bowl halftime show?" he asked while unsuccessfully punching his sinful erection down. "Were there any warnings that your 12-year-old young son, whose hormones are just getting ready, just starting to operate - was there any warning that what he's going to see might cause him to get sexually excited?" he continued as he swatted at his son, driven mad with thirst for Pepsi products and Spanish singing sirens, with the bristly end of a broom.
In the end, all Dave wants is a little forewarning before "a porn show" breaks out in the middle of his blunt force brain trauma show - and not just to protect children but to safeguard our right to choose whether we want our children exposed to the dangers of women. "I personally resent the fact that they invaded the privacy of my home with stuff I never would've looked at if I had a choice," Dave told Cleveland's local Fox affiliate. That's a little different from what he said on a Facebook live stream where he admitted that he didn't actually watch the Super Bowl halftime show to avoid getting riled up by something exactly like this. He got mad when he chose to watch clips after the fact, likely alone with a bottle of moisturizer and with his 8x10 picture frame of Jesus turned toward the wall. Dave practices as he preaches, he just forgot the second part where you leave it up to other people to choose for themselves.
Luis can be found on Twitter and Facebook. Check out his regular contributions to Macaulay Culkin's BunnyEars.com and his "Meditation Minute" segments on the Bunny Ears podcast. And now you can listen to the first episode on Youtube!