8 Glitches That Make Serious Games So, So Dumb
You can expect pretty much every new big video game to come with a full complement of bugs that may or may not be patched out at some undetermined date. (Perhaps next Tuesday, or 2027.) This can be an endless source of annoyance, but with a little luck and the right attitude, it can also be an endless source of joy. Look at how ...
In Red Dead Redemption 2, Your Horse Can Become Your Pants
Like all sprawling open world games, Red Dead Redemption 2: Better Deader Than Redder has no shortage of imperfections. Most of them trend toward the inconvenient or unsettling, but there's one that brings naught but joy to all who experience it. We speak of the horse pants.
Yes, that poor player's mount transformed into a frisky pair of dancing dungarees. There's no telling how often the legend of the phantom chaps makes an appearance, but if you don't find this phenomenon sufficient for your NPC-disconcerting needs, there's always the nudity glitch to ensure you'll never have to wait long for a drink in a crowded saloon.
Fallout 76's Power Armor Is Powerfully Destructive To Your Figure
In most Fallout games, power armor is the most effective way to survive the ravages of the wasteland, but in Fallout 76, they only make a good case for choosing radiation poisoning. Putting on armor even once can warp your character into the kind of mutant you've been trying to avoid.
And then you're stuck displaying your bulging adult diaper fetish to the game world until you use one of the pain-in-the-ass fixes or get hunted down by other players for a mercy killing. Luckily, this is the only noticeable flaw in an otherwise-perfect game.
You Can Kill A Tricky Resident Evil 4 Enemy By Kicking A Door Into His Face (For 15 Minutes)
The Resident Evil games are known for memorable villains who will annihilate an unwary player, albeit while always taking extreme care to not muss up the protagonist's pretty, pretty hair. And in Resident Evil 4, one of those villains is a chainsaw-wielding maniac who will end Leon's life with a single blow if you don't manage to pump enough shotgun shells into his burlap sack face.
The Leatherface ripoff's name is Dr. Salvador, and his recurring miniboss fight is infamous for frustrating players. But it turns out that he has an exploitable Achilles' heel in his chronic inability to learn from numerous painful encounters with a wooden door.
YouTuber Dante Ravioli discovered that you can best the good doctor by luring him into a doorway and then kicking said door into his face over and over, dealing minuscule fractions of damage for 15 minutes until he finally falls over from what we can only assume is a serious concussion. It's depressing, really, a PhD graduate who keeps falling for the same simple trick. Although watching Milla Jovovich perform this maneuver several dozen times in a row would improve most of the movies.
Mafia III's Boats Are Possessed By Demons
The original Mafia is infamous for a racing mission that's almost impossible to finish because the game's engine just wasn't tuned for the speed of race cars. Mafia III solved that problem by simply not having a racing mission. But the physics glitches would not be denied, and ate their fill of the code by fucking with all the boats.
They're up to shady business even when no one's driving them. It's like they're being operated by the ghosts of everyone who died in that damn racing stage.
They don't take crap from anyone, even other boats. They're always picking fights with each other when they think no one's looking. They even spit fireballs, like they're demanding that a game about the mob include more aqua-wizards.
The only time they don't cause trouble is when you drive them ... on the roads.
Hitman 2 Has A Homing Briefcase
In the Hitman games, you can throw objects at targets to knock them down. But in Hitman 2 (the second Hitman 2, not the first Hitman 2), a bug can cause thrown items, like Mr. Man's briefcase, to slowly follow targets, as if the world is living through the early days of a luggage uprising.
The briefcase can go around corners and even clip through walls and other people, all so it can give its target an inconvenient knock on the head.
The bug was soon patched, but nine months after the game's release, the developers introduced a special unlockable briefcase with the same functionality. You can watch it take a full two minutes to catch up to a jogger, like an avant-garde Jaws remake.
You can also launch a target into the air, then throw the briefcase and watch it follow them into space, propelled by means unknown.
Assassin's Creed Guards Will Get Amorous With Walls
The Assassin's Creed games are all about trying not to get caught, but sometimes it's the guards who don't want to be spotted.
Due to a bug, guards are sometimes unable to climb walls like normal, and will instead, shall we say, take out their frustrations on them. And yes, there is a sound effect.
There are times, however, when no walls are nearby, and yet a tired, hardworking man of the empire still needs to relieve some stress. In those cases, they may decide to take up amateur chimney sweeping.
Sadly, this glitch only appeared in the first Assassin's Creed, before being fixed to make room for piles of new glitches in the sequels.
Middle-earth's Physics Have Nothing To Do With Current Earth's Physics
Fun fact: While the Earth is round, Middle-earth: Shadow Of Mordor appears to be set on a far stranger plane, where our understanding of physics is but a mere suggestion. Or at least, that's the best explanation we have for why this orc is suddenly flung into the air like he hit a giant invisible trampoline.
Middle-earth seems overrun by stealth springboards. Here, a grab-and-throw move propels the player, and not the orc they grappled, a thousand feet into the air before he calmly drifts back down like a bloodthirsty Mary Poppins.
Now, Shadow Of Mordor endeavors to be a morally ambiguous game, which is why the protagonist is later banished from walking the Earth, and must forever shuffle sideways a few feet above the dirt.
The sequel, Shadow Of War, almost solved this problem, by which we mean that the hero can end up trapped in his own personal wind tunnel.
In Battlefield 1, God Occasionally Reaches Down To Make An Anti-War Statement
There's a glitch in Battlefield 1 that can make a falling zeppelin look like a dozen simultaneous Hindenburgs. On top of exploding like it's having some sort of flaming blimp orgasm, it also spins and spits flames in every direction. Witnessing it in VR can qualify you for a military pension.
And if you think that's bad, sometimes the blimp will fall on your face.
But hey, at least you'll be immortalized as a victim of the Battle of Jesus Christ, What the Fuck Is Happening?
E. Reid Ross has a book called BIZARRE WORLD that's on store shelves as we speak. Or you could just order it now from Amazonor Barnes and Noble and leave a scathing/glowing review. Wanna talk about weird glitches? Hit Tiago up on his Twitter. Follow Ryan Menezes on Twitter for bits cut from this article and other stuff no one should see.
For more, check out 4 Glitches That Turn Video Games Into Horror Movies:
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