5 Republicans In Congress Who Are Garbage Humans

5

Jim Jordan (Allegedly) Did Nothing As A Fellow Coach Molested Dozens Of His Students

Ohio Congressman Jim Jordan has been in the news a lot lately for defending Donald Trump against those who accuse the president of (to quote the articles of impeachment) "doing some Donald Trump-style shit." After all, if Jordan knew that someone was doing something truly horrible, he would totally speak up, right? Uh, not according to his former students. Long story short, dude is basically the Joe Paterno of Congress.

Long story long: Jordan was working as an assistant teaching coach when Dr. Richard Strauss, a horrifyingly prolific pervert, was molesting wrestling students. Several students have come forward saying that they personally went to Jordan about the assaults, and he didn't seem terribly concerned. Not enough to do anything about it, anyway. One referee says he told Jordan and another coach about Strauss and they just said "Yeah, that's Strauss," like when you watch Seinfeld and go "Oh, that Kramer."

Jordan insists that he never heard about the abuse, but some of his students say he must have known, because everyone knew. We're not talking about a couple of awkward shower room elbow brushes here. An OSU investigation concluded that Strauss molested at least 177 students. Also, Jordan's locker room was right next to Strauss', and it's well-documented that Jordan spent a lot of time in the sauna. That's like saying you never heard a hurricane passing by. Multiple times a year. For nearly 10 years.

In an interview, Jordan appeared to change his "I'm just hearing about this now!" defense when he implied that the accusations about Strauss were nothing but "locker room talk."

It takes real talent to say that with a straight face, or without spontaneously combusting out of sheer shame. OK, now we can sort of see why this guy is so keen on defending Trump.

4

Steve King Keeps "Accidentally" Endorsing Nazis

On the surface, Iowa Congressman Steve King seems as harmless as the average "Kids these days are too PC! Also, I'll shit myself if you call me a boomer" old guy. On Twitter, he constantly bitches about how liberals are too liberal with the word "Nazi," like here:

Yeah man, the Nazis were so socialist that they sent socialists to concentration camps.

Here's the thing: The person King is retweeting there is a self-described white nationalist who says "America can never, ever be too white." And the account King retweeted here with a lovely anti-immigration message? That's an admitted "Nazi-sympathizer" who praises Hitler. Just last month, King shared (then deleted) a tweet by a guy who once said "Hitler had some good points. I think the Holocaust never actually happened."

Steve King/Twitter"Be a rebel: Spout the exact same shit your racist-ass great-grandpa did while he beat your great-grandma."

3

Steve Scalise Is "David Duke Without The Baggage"

When Louisiana congressman (and current House minority whip) Steve Scalise was shot at a baseball field in 2017, it was a queer black woman who helped take down the gunman and likely saved his life. As far as we know, Scalise has nothing against the "woman" part, but the "queer" and "black" ones are pretty ironic, considering his history.

In 2002, Scalise was a speaker at a meeting for a white nationalist group founded by David Duke, the dried-up mannequin who once led the Ku Klux Klan. Scalise later said he had no idea he was talking in front of a bunch of racists, but this is not his only connection to Duke, who was once a depressingly popular Louisiana politician himself. When Scalise was an up-and-coming hot shot in the '90s, he reportedly told an interviewer he was "like David Duke without the baggage." He expanded on that idea in a 1999 interview:

Roll Call"I'm like a racist if no one knew he was a racist" is a hell of a campaign line.

2

Matt Gaetz Invited A Holocaust Denier To The State Of The Union Address

Florida (congress)man Matt Gaetz is best known for 1) being arrested for a DUI in 2008, 2) having a famous politician for a dad, and 3) recently trying to call out someone else for past substance abuse problems and only getting a job due to having a famous dad.

1

Anti-Abortion Congressman Scott DesJarlais Coerced Women He Slept With To Get Abortions

Scott DesJarlais is a Tennessee congressional representative, a doctor, and a fancy-surname-haver. What more could voters want? Sure, it would be nice if he wasn't also a massive hypocrite devoid of decency and the ability to feel shame, but you can't win them all.

DesJarlais has reliably voted for anti-abortion legislation, which is consistent with his God-loving family values image. It's way less consistent with his lived reality, though. DesJarlais not only encouraged his first wife to have two abortions (one due to health issues and one because "things were not going well between us"), but also cheated on her with at least six people. When one of those lovers, a 24-year-old patient of his, told him she was pregnant, DesJarlais pressured her to get an abortion, and even offered to drive her to Atlanta to do it. This was presumably due to the city's motto, "Atlanta: Nobody Cares What Happens Here."