5 Republicans In Congress Who Are Garbage Humans

Jordan insists that he never heard about the abuse, but some of his students say he must have known, because everyone knew. We're not talking about a couple of awkward shower room elbow brushes here. An OSU investigation concluded that Strauss molested at least 177 students. Also, Jordan's locker room was right next to Strauss', and it's well-documented that Jordan spent a lot of time in the sauna. That's like saying you never heard a hurricane passing by. Multiple times a year. For nearly 10 years.

In an interview, Jordan appeared to change his "I'm just hearing about this now!" defense when he implied that the accusations about Strauss were nothing but "locker room talk."

It takes real talent to say that with a straight face, or without spontaneously combusting out of sheer shame. OK, now we can sort of see why this guy is so keen on defending Trump.

Again, this is a sitting U.S. congressman, not your miserable uncle whose Facebook posts are read by like five people. Worse yet, King has gone from dog whistles ("immigration bad!") to saying things like "The idea of multiculturalism, that every culture is equal -- that's not objectively true" and calling the West a "superior civilization." Steve, buddy, if you don't want to be called a Nazi, maybe stop saying things the Nazis said?

During an interview with The New York Times early this year, King lamented that "White nationalist, white supremacist, Western civilization -- how did that language become offensive?" Some of his colleagues have stopped giving him the time of day, but he's still in Congress. For our own sanity, we choose to believe that the people of Iowa think they've been voting for the guy who wrote IT for the past 16 years.

True to his word, Scalise went on to help make Duke's early '90s campaign ideas mainstream in Louisiana. Finally, a politician who actually keeps his promises.

And then there's the blatant homophobia thing. If a bill aims to make gay people's lives even a tiny bit more dignified, Scalise will work to convince other congressmen to change their votes to make it fail. He voted against the "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" repeal, tried to make it so attacks against gay people don't count as hate crimes, tried to make it easier for LGBT people to be discriminated against in the workplace, and called Louisiana's ban on same-sex marriage "an important win for marriage." He seems pretty OK with straight dudes who cheat on their third wives with porn stars right after having a child, though.

But that isn't even the worst thing Gaetz has done. In 2018, Gaetz attended Trump's State of the Union address with internet pest Charles C. Johnson, a Holocaust denier ("I do not and never have believed the six million figure"). Johnson not only helped crowdfund money for the neo-Nazi website The Daily Stormer, but is also permanently banned from Twitter for asking for donations to "take out" a civil rights activist. And Gaetz brought him into the House of Representatives.

Gaetz later claimed he didn't even know Johnson, let alone his past -- he just handed a ticket to a random person who "showed up at office" on the day of the speech. We're pretty sure that's how that Designated Survivor show with Kiefer Sutherland started. Anyway, Gaetz felt so bad about accidentally associating himself with this chode that he ... invited Johnson to hang out again at a fundraiser on a yacht. As one does with total strangers!

When this story came out, DesJarlais claimed that the abortion talk was all a ruse to get his mistress to admit she was never pregnant, and that his wife was in on it. Despite the touching display of marital confidence, the relationship didn't last. During their divorce, DesJarlais' wife accused him of firing an unloaded gun at her bedroom door, and then holding the weapon in his mouth for three hours. The congressman admitted that the gun stuff was true, but it was unloaded the whole time, so it's no biggie. His anti-abortion stance may be hypocritical, but at least his "A" rating from the NRA seems well-deserved.

So how can a guy who has pulled those types of stunts call himself a "family values" candidate? Because "God has forgiven me," he says. It's not like he's some truly evil being, like a single mother who can't afford to raise more children or something.

Maxwell Yezpitelok lives in Chile and also on Twitter.

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