5 Republicans In Congress Who Are Garbage Humans

5 Jim Jordan (Allegedly) Did Nothing As A Fellow Coach Molested Dozens Of His Students

Ohio Congressman Jim Jordan has been in the news a lot lately for defending Donald Trump against those who accuse the president of (to quote the articles of impeachment) "doing some Donald Trump-style shit." After all, if Jordan knew that someone was doing something truly horrible, he would totally speak up, right? Uh, not according to his former students. Long story short, dude is basically the Joe Paterno of Congress.

Long story long: Jordan was working as an assistant teaching coach when Dr. Richard Strauss, a horrifyingly prolific pervert, was molesting wrestling students. Several students have come forward saying that they personally went to Jordan about the assaults, and he didn't seem terribly concerned. Not enough to do anything about it, anyway. One referee says he told Jordan and another coach about Strauss and they just said "Yeah, that's Strauss," like when you watch Seinfeld and go "Oh, that Kramer."

Jordan insists that he never heard about the abuse, but some of his students say he must have known, because everyone knew. We're not talking about a couple of awkward shower room elbow brushes here. An OSU investigation concluded that Strauss molested at least 177 students. Also, Jordan's locker room was right next to Strauss', and it's well-documented that Jordan spent a lot of time in the sauna. That's like saying you never heard a hurricane passing by. Multiple times a year. For nearly 10 years.

In an interview, Jordan appeared to change his "I'm just hearing about this now!" defense when he implied that the accusations about Strauss were nothing but "locker room talk."

It takes real talent to say that with a straight face, or without spontaneously combusting out of sheer shame. OK, now we can sort of see why this guy is so keen on defending Trump.

Related: I Was A Hardcore Conservative: What Changed My Mind

4 Steve King Keeps "Accidentally" Endorsing Nazis

On the surface, Iowa Congressman Steve King seems as harmless as the average "Kids these days are too PC! Also, I'll shit myself if you call me a boomer" old guy. On Twitter, he constantly bitches about how liberals are too liberal with the word "Nazi," like here:

Yeah man, the Nazis were so socialist that they sent socialists to concentration camps.

Here's the thing: The person King is retweeting there is a self-described white nationalist who says "America can never, ever be too white." And the account King retweeted here with a lovely anti-immigration message? That's an admitted "Nazi-sympathizer" who praises Hitler. Just last month, King shared (then deleted) a tweet by a guy who once said "Hitler had some good points. I think the Holocaust never actually happened."

Again, this is a sitting U.S. congressman, not your miserable uncle whose Facebook posts are read by like five people. Worse yet, King has gone from dog whistles ("immigration bad!") to saying things like "The idea of multiculturalism, that every culture is equal -- that's not objectively true" and calling the West a "superior civilization." Steve, buddy, if you don't want to be called a Nazi, maybe stop saying things the Nazis said?

During an interview with The New York Times early this year, King lamented that "White nationalist, white supremacist, Western civilization -- how did that language become offensive?" Some of his colleagues have stopped giving him the time of day, but he's still in Congress. For our own sanity, we choose to believe that the people of Iowa think they've been voting for the guy who wrote IT for the past 16 years.

Related: 4 Signs President Trump Is Headed For A Hitler-Like Reign

3 Steve Scalise Is "David Duke Without The Baggage"

When Louisiana congressman (and current House minority whip) Steve Scalise was shot at a baseball field in 2017, it was a queer black woman who helped take down the gunman and likely saved his life. As far as we know, Scalise has nothing against the "woman" part, but the "queer" and "black" ones are pretty ironic, considering his history.

In 2002, Scalise was a speaker at a meeting for a white nationalist group founded by David Duke, the dried-up mannequin who once led the Ku Klux Klan. Scalise later said he had no idea he was talking in front of a bunch of racists, but this is not his only connection to Duke, who was once a depressingly popular Louisiana politician himself. When Scalise was an up-and-coming hot shot in the '90s, he reportedly told an interviewer he was "like David Duke without the baggage." He expanded on that idea in a 1999 interview:

True to his word, Scalise went on to help make Duke's early '90s campaign ideas mainstream in Louisiana. Finally, a politician who actually keeps his promises.

And then there's the blatant homophobia thing. If a bill aims to make gay people's lives even a tiny bit more dignified, Scalise will work to convince other congressmen to change their votes to make it fail. He voted against the "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" repeal, tried to make it so attacks against gay people don't count as hate crimes, tried to make it easier for LGBT people to be discriminated against in the workplace, and called Louisiana's ban on same-sex marriage "an important win for marriage." He seems pretty OK with straight dudes who cheat on their third wives with porn stars right after having a child, though.

Related: 5 Reasons It's Difficult To Explain Racism To Casual Racists

2 Matt Gaetz Invited A Holocaust Denier To The State Of The Union Address

Florida (congress)man Matt Gaetz is best known for 1) being arrested for a DUI in 2008, 2) having a famous politician for a dad, and 3) recently trying to call out someone else for past substance abuse problems and only getting a job due to having a famous dad.

But that isn't even the worst thing Gaetz has done. In 2018, Gaetz attended Trump's State of the Union address with internet pest Charles C. Johnson, a Holocaust denier ("I do not and never have believed the six million figure"). Johnson not only helped crowdfund money for the neo-Nazi website The Daily Stormer, but is also permanently banned from Twitter for asking for donations to "take out" a civil rights activist. And Gaetz brought him into the House of Representatives.

Gaetz later claimed he didn't even know Johnson, let alone his past -- he just handed a ticket to a random person who "showed up at office" on the day of the speech. We're pretty sure that's how that Designated Survivor show with Kiefer Sutherland started. Anyway, Gaetz felt so bad about accidentally associating himself with this chode that he ... invited Johnson to hang out again at a fundraiser on a yacht. As one does with total strangers!

Related: How Hitler Ruined Our Ability To Discuss Politics

1 Anti-Abortion Congressman Scott DesJarlais Coerced Women He Slept With To Get Abortions

Scott DesJarlais is a Tennessee congressional representative, a doctor, and a fancy-surname-haver. What more could voters want? Sure, it would be nice if he wasn't also a massive hypocrite devoid of decency and the ability to feel shame, but you can't win them all.

DesJarlais has reliably voted for anti-abortion legislation, which is consistent with his God-loving family values image. It's way less consistent with his lived reality, though. DesJarlais not only encouraged his first wife to have two abortions (one due to health issues and one because "things were not going well between us"), but also cheated on her with at least six people. When one of those lovers, a 24-year-old patient of his, told him she was pregnant, DesJarlais pressured her to get an abortion, and even offered to drive her to Atlanta to do it. This was presumably due to the city's motto, "Atlanta: Nobody Cares What Happens Here."

When this story came out, DesJarlais claimed that the abortion talk was all a ruse to get his mistress to admit she was never pregnant, and that his wife was in on it. Despite the touching display of marital confidence, the relationship didn't last. During their divorce, DesJarlais' wife accused him of firing an unloaded gun at her bedroom door, and then holding the weapon in his mouth for three hours. The congressman admitted that the gun stuff was true, but it was unloaded the whole time, so it's no biggie. His anti-abortion stance may be hypocritical, but at least his "A" rating from the NRA seems well-deserved.

So how can a guy who has pulled those types of stunts call himself a "family values" candidate? Because "God has forgiven me," he says. It's not like he's some truly evil being, like a single mother who can't afford to raise more children or something.

Maxwell Yezpitelok lives in Chile and also on Twitter.

For more, check out What If Donald Trump Is Just An Elaborate Prank?:

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