The Horrifying Reality of Consumer Genetic Testing

6

These Tests Are Tearing Families Apart

One huge selling point of DNA testing is finding previously unknown relatives and expanding your family tree. But for some, that means opening a huge, depressing can of worms. Imagine ordering a DNA test hoping for some light conversation material for the next time you see your dad, only to find out you have no dad -- your biological father was your mom's 18-year-old prom date, and he died the year before. Or you were conceived via sperm donor, so you're not as Jewish as you always thought you were.

These soap-opera-esque plot twists have become so common in real life that there are now multiple online support groups for people whose sense of identity has been shattered by DNA testing. One 6,000-member group gets so many applications that they have screen them to turn away those whose surprises are considered too distant (like if you find out you're descended from Attila the Hun and not Genghis Khan, like your mom always told you).

In some of the worst cases, the results of a test don't merely cause emotional pain to an individual, but destroy whole families. One man was devastated to learn his beloved daughter was the product of his (soon to be ex-)wife's affair. The couple divorced, their son blamed the daughter for breaking up the family, and the dad called out the son for blaming the daughter. Pretty much everyone but the dog ended up resenting each other. We're reasonably sure they'll have to create a whole new branch of psychology solely to deal with these issues.

5

There's No Longer Any Such Thing As Anonymous Sperm Donation

Part of the appeal of wanking it for cash (besides, you know, wanking it for cash) is that it can be completely anonymous if you want. Your broke college ass can sell sperm for some ramen money, and the clinic will make sure that a teen who looks like you won't come bug you in 18 years (probably to beg for ramen money). Or at least, that's how it used to be.

Now, lots of "anonymous" sperm donors are discovering that the contents of those plastic cups from long ago have become living, breathing human beings. And unlike the cup, that human might want to get to know you. The donors themselves don't even need to take a test to be exposed; all it takes is some random relative buying a 23andMe kit for kicks, and you're busted. One donor was tracked down through his nephew, who took an over-the-counter test. So many biological sons and daughters have found him that they created a welcome packet including the man's photo, medical history, and an email address he uses to "reluctantly" answers questions. (Mostly "Do you have this weird thing on your junk too?" we're guessing.)

Whelshsk/Wikimedia Commons"Have you started balding yet? How about now? Now?"

4

You Might Get Really Difficult Medical News Without A Doctor Around

OK, so assume your parentage is fairly normal. You're not Rosemary's Baby, you weren't conceived via sperm donor, and nobody's had any interesting affairs. You're good to go, right? Not if the test you're taking also covers health issues. Finding out your dad isn't your dad from a monitor is already sucky enough, but finding out you might have some sort of hereditary illness is even worse. You can't cry into your computer's shoulder when it tells you you'll probably get cancer.

Journalist Dorothy Pomerantz clicked open her 23andMe results one evening and learned she had the dreaded BRCA1 mutation ... and a 72% chance of getting breast cancer. While this potentially life-saving knowledge is important, Pomerantz feels the manner in which she found out was beyond horrible. Because this bomb wasn't dropped by a doctor or genetic counselor, Pomerantz turned to the most readily available source of information: Dr. Google. Which, depending on how your search goes, could either convince you that you have five minutes to live or that cancer is a government hoax designed to steal your boobs/ovaries.

3

The Tests Might Not Be All That Accurate

Extracting DNA from your cells and breaking it down gene by gene is science, to be sure, but using those genes to identify your ancestors' probable origins and migration patterns is more like an art. There's a lot of interpretation going on. Sometimes a whooooole lot of interpretation.

2

DNA Theft Could Be The Next Big Thing In Data Breaches

Let's face it, we've all sort of thrown in the towel and made peace with the fact that there are hackers and unscrupulous companies out there who know all your financial information and porn browsing habits. But ... are you ready for them to have access to the details of your genetic code too? Because that's where we're going.

1

Testing Companies Are Making A Fortune Off Your Stored DNA

At this point, you might be wondering why these companies store your data at all. You've gotten your results. You know where you came from (sorta), who you're related or not related to, and maybe even how you'll spend your final days within this mortal coil. Why don't the companies simply destroy your data before someone can steal it and use it for dastardly deeds? Because money, of course. Lots and lots and lots of money.