This 'Star Wars' Cookware Is Only For The Rich And Dumb
Star Wars has so thoroughly sold out that there's nothing new or surprising about the existence of branded cookware. We've all gotten used to living in a world where in a pinch, we can buy Death Star waffle irons, lightsaber pizza cutters, or R2-D2 toasters at affordable prices. It used to be hard to imagine how Star Wars could cash in any harder, but then the crazy bastards went and did it. They partnered up with one of the finest makers of enameled heavy-duty cast-iron pots to release a series of Star Wars cookware so goddamn expensive that the only explanation is that the proceeds are going toward the construction of a third Death Star.
You might say $20 is a lot for a thing you slide between a hot pot and a dining table, but what you're really paying for is long-lasting quality and a sex droid for the Disney executives who signed this endorsement deal.
The Porg Pie Bird is $25, and I couldn't begin to explain to you what it is or does. The description on Le Creuset's own website says, "The lovable Porg, Perfect for pies." That's the kind of non-explanation you give when you're hoping people never find out the Porg Pie Bird is for bludgeoning porgs into a meaty pulp perfect for pies.
At $30, we have the somewhat reasonably priced droid mini-Cocottes, which are small Dutch ovens painted to resemble BB-8, C-3PO, and R2-D2. These represent the least offensive pieces of the line, except for how the C-3PO one looks like it has pubes popping out from beneath a pro wrestling championship belt.
The full-size pitch-black Dutch oven with Darth Vader's mask on the lid is $395. To be fair, that's only about $10 more than the usual price for a Le Creuset Dutch oven of the same size. But if you want to burn a boeuf bourguignon, this is the most thematically appropriate vessel to do it with.
$450 seems like an awful lot for a roasting pan with a lid that has Han Solo frozen in carbonite on its top, until you consider how your vast wealth has so dehumanized you that you're impervious to the guilt most feel after making ghoulish financial decisions.
Finally, we have the rounded Dutch oven that's exactly the same as the $395 Darth Vader pot, but this one is hand-painted with the twin suns of Tatooine. It's a pot for making beans that's blue on the bottom, pink up top, with a white circle and an orange circle on it, and you can get it for $900. Get this for the cook in your life who's always wanted to braise chicken using the art on the walls of a dentist's office.
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