Nuts Will Make You A Sexual Dynamo, Says Nut Industry

Pass me the filberts, baby. The night is young.
Nuts Will Make You A Sexual Dynamo, Says Nut Industry

We don't have the facts and figures of nut sales on hand, but it's probably safe to assume that the nut industry is in dire straits. We base this theory on a recent study funded by the INC, or the International Nus And Dried Fruit Counsel, which is a real organization and not one made up for an irreverent satirical novel about corporate lobbying that book reviewers will call "hysterical" when it's really just kind of droll. Anyway, the INC claims that men who eat more nuts tend to have more powerful, uh, nuts.

"Our food will make you orgasm harder" seems kind of like scraping the bottom of the barrel when it comes to maintaining relevance. It's a study funded by the nut industry, and feels like a desperate plea to that reliable demographic of men who will try anything to regain the potent erections of their youth. Nuts are angling themselves to be the next great folkloric aphrodisiac, like oysters before.

Nuts Will Make You A Sexual Dynamo, Says Nut Industry
"Hold up, hon. Let me pop a couple of cashews first."

The study was on 83 young men in Spain, half of whom were tasked with eating 60 g of mixed raw nuts a day for 14 weeks, while the other half didn't. The nut eaters reported increased sexual desire and "orgasmic function" -- which was measured in terms of whether their orgasm could turn off a light switch from across the room, we guess.

At the study's core was an attempt to prove that regularly eating nuts would raise nitrous oxide and E-selectin levels in the blood, which would then suggest increased sexual vigor. That didn't happen. The levels of both molecules stayed the same across the board. The study didn't even prove its theory, but still claimed victory in the war against the ever-present flaccid menace. That's fitting, of course, since failing spectacularly for all to see but claiming victory nonetheless is the ultimate power move of the impotent.

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