Then we cut back to the framing device of Ted's story. Ted (who no longer sounds like Bob Saget for some reason) finishes his epic tale, and his kids, who are surprisingly not cobweb-covered skeletons, point out that his anecdotes were less about their tragically deceased mom and more about a laundry list of other women he got it on with. Specifically, their "aunt" Robin.

20th Television"Also, why would you think we wanted to hear about your threesome?"

Presumably, in the future year of 2030, psychotherapy has been outlawed. Otherwise, why would Ted subject his poor children to this bullshit? The show ends with Ted leaving his kids behind to chat about what a dirtbag their dad is as he runs into the night to hit on Robin.

20th Television

20th TelevisionThis probably makes more sense in context.

The mother being dead in the future wasn't even all that surprising. Fans had predicted that twist years before. What no one had predicted, however, was that the show would spend less time chronicling her tragic demise than the average Pepsi commercial does trying to sell you brown sugar water. Some fans were so enraged by the finale that they even started a petition calling on producers to redo the ending. And the producers obliged, creating an alternate version for the home media release which technically fulfilled their demands while feeling kind of hollow. This is what is known as "The Mass Effect 3 Phenomenon."

She's rushed to the hospital, where it turns out she has amnesia. She doesn't remember her dad, her sisters, or even Uncle Joey (the only silver lining to this unfortunate incident).

Warner Bros. Television"Of course I remember my patented catchphrase! You got it ... sir?"

Yeah, it's kind of a depressing turn for the fluffiest show of all time. Michelle's brain damage then mostly serves to complicate other people's stories. DJ doesn't want to go to the prom anymore, and poor traumatized Michelle has to convince her to suck it up, possibly because she's confused and thinks DJ was hired to supply the music. In the end, Michelle gets her memory back, which is visualized by having both Olsen twins merge with each other onscreen.

Warner Bros. Television

Warner Bros. TelevisionUntil the Fuller House gang uncovers Uncle Jesse's hidden stash, this is probably as psychedelic as the franchise is going to get.

Instead of, say, contacting the proper authorities, the couple just decide to keep the child, to the surprise and horror of their parents.

Warner Bros. Television"This is shocking! When our daughter married a laser-eyed alien, we certainly didn't think anything weird would happen!"

Then the show ended forever. Instead of simply removing this last scene to keep things tidy, it was left in to forever vex fans. Apparently, the original idea for this storyline was to eventually reveal that the baby was from Krypton. He would then begin "to grow at an abnormal rate," becoming a troubled preteen who uses his powers for, well, the evil things a preteen would. Then he would have to leave Lois and Clark, who still can't have kids, but have hopefully learned a lesson about claiming random infants as their own.

This cliffhanger was of course supposed to be resolved in the following season, but said season did not materialize. Not wanting their series to end with the leads in a state of Schrodingerian maybe-dead, the producers were allowed to shoot a new scene to tie everything up. And what they went with was ... weird. The show inexplicably flashes forward seven years, where the same apartment is now full of children and giant toys.

Adding to the mega-happiness of the scene, Castle and Beckett have breakfast with their newly introduced children, toasting each other with coffee cups like no human outside of a Maxwell House commercial has ever done. This scene really only makes everything more confusing. There's also no dialogue; not even a brief "Remember how we survived getting shot here seven years ago?" Devoid of context, cutting from our lead characters being seriously wounded to a sun-dappled paradise sure makes it seem like this scene is a dying hallucination.

In the final scene, we learn who killed her husband Frank. Yes, it was ultimately Netflix, but in the world of the show, it turns out to be the couple's henchman Doug Stamper. He then threatens to kill her, but can't go through with it. So instead Claire murders him. In the Oval Office.

NetflixWhich is obviously the best solution for someone with access to combat drones.

Claire kneels over her victim, then looks at the camera and ... the show ends. Thankfully, she resists the urge to wink.

NetflixDisplaying a degree of restraint not shared by our graphics department.

What about that impending nuclear war? Or any of the other dangling plot threads? Yeah, they're never resolved. And probably never will be, seeing as the closest we'll ever get to another season of House Of Cards is Kevin Spacey's creepy fanfiction pitch.

Most odd is Captain Sisko's storyline. After seven years of build-up about him being the chosen one of the Bajoran Prophets, we get him tussling with occasional villain Gul Dukat, who is possessed by the bad aliens. The epic, mystical arc that was set up back in the very first episode is resolved with two dudes wrestling in an unconvincing cave. Turns out the evil aliens' Kryptonite is pushing, because despite the fact that Dukat has superpowers, Sisko is able to rather easily bump him off a cliff.

Then Sisko enters the realm of the Prophets. It seems his destiny is to go off with them on some kind of spiritual journey.

CBS TelevisionSomehow, this remains the most convincing set in Trek history.

Which sucks a little for his pregnant wife. Sisko promises he'll be back -- a line that was added only because the actor, Avery Brooks, was "very uncomfortable with the notion of a black man abandoning his pregnant black wife." That's right, the show ends with the hero ditching his family. Sure, it's nice that he gets to fulfill his mystical destiny, but wouldn't it have been nice if his baby had the destiny his dad being around and not tooling around in some wacky alternate dimension?

The last shot is Sisko's other kid, Jake, staring out the window waiting for his dad to come back. Does he? Who knows, it was the last goddamn episode.

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