That's right, the movie takes place inside a fishing video game which this kid has modded in order to digitally resurrect his dead dad (who looks like McConaughey), so that he and his mom can get revenge on his real-life stepdad. It's bonkers. And at the end, when McConaughey finally goes through with the murder, this inspires the boy to do the same thing in reality. Even weirder is that this means the late-night Cinemax portions of the movie were also overseen by this teen. For some reason, he used his technical know-how to vividly simulate his parents banging on a fishing boat.

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The war plays out like a Mark Wahlberg movie, in which crossbows are basically machine guns and all the costumes are Antifa outfits.

Lionsgate FilmsWait, that's not right. This was supposed to be a movie still. How did a page from the Express Men fall catalog get in here?

The movie clearly wants to emulate the Dark Knight trilogy, so much so that Robin Hood is just called the Hood, and gets to retain his (wait for it) secret identity as a wealthy playboy. In one of the weirdest scenes in any Robin Hood movie. Nottingham Castle throws a casino night that looks like Terry Gilliam partnered with Cirque du Soleil to direct your nightmares.

Lionsgate FilmsAnd at this point, it's gotten less historically accurate than the Robin Hood movie with a cartoon fox.

While Robin was away, Maid Marian hooked up with Harvey Dent -- sorry, Will Scarlett -- an ally of Robin's with a different methodology. In the end, Marian gives in to true love and kisses Robin, causing the nearby Scarlett to drop a Molotov cocktail he was holding. Then he falls into the flames . The stupid twist of this stupid setup? Now he's horrifically burned like Two-Face, and becomes the villain. In the end, he's the new Sheriff of Nottingham.

Lionsgate FilmsOr possibly a powder blue Jedi. We're not totally sure.

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Perhaps most bizarrely, the sequel introduces Donna's mother -- but she's played by Cher, who's only three years older than Streep. If that wasn't weird enough, they strongly implied in the first movie that she was dead. Further proof that this series take place in Satan's disco of the damned.

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But wait, in a crazy twist, this is all just a screenplay Isaac is writing in a Starbucks. At this point, we are only five minutes into the movie.

Amazon Studios

Amazon StudiosWell he nailed the character, at any rate.

It turns out that Bening is really Isaac's therapist. He recounts the troubles he's had with his wife, and all the grisly details of her biography (which include her father being decapitated in front of her when she was a child). Oh, and it was his wife who was killed by a bus. While she was pregnant. And if you think that's the end of this aggressively depressing chapter, Isaac then shoots himself in the head during his therapy session, because this movie hates you.

And this is but the first of five chapters -- one of which takes place in the future year of 2079, where bizarrely, nothing has changed for some reason. Oh, and there's a dog named "Fuckface," because internet comedy writers were apparently this movie's key demographic.

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Satan's minions poison Farrell's love interest so that his "miracle" can't happen. But bizarrely, the poison is activated through sex, so at one point, Farrell literally fucks a woman to death.

Warner Bros. Pictures"You know, that poison also comes in a topical cream."
"LET ME DO THIS MY WAY!"

A whole bunch of other crazy stuff happens, and in the end, Farrell finds salvation through true lov- just kidding, he stabs his adoptive father in the neck, which causes him to turn into an ice statue for, presumably, reasons.

Warner Bros. PicturesThough if any actor could have their delivery copied by a large block of ice, it's Russell Crowe.

And we haven't even mentioned Farrell's (sigh) flying horse.

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Things deviate slightly from tradition when the Sugar Plum Fairy reveals the four titular realms, and that she needs a special key to operate a fancy laser to make toys sentient so she can create an army to protect her realm. Less Disney magic, more the kind of thing you'd expect to find in an anime with translation problems. Clara has to travel to the fourth realm, which is full of horrifying clowns and ... little else.

When she returns, she discovers that the Sugar Plum Fairy, a benevolent force in the ballet, has been conning her and is the actually a villain. The Notorious SPF creates an army of giant toys to conquer Nutcracker-land. And she's unusually sexual around her new, presumably genital-free toy soldiers.

Walt Disney Studios

Walt Disney Studios"Sorry, your majesty, but it's all Ken doll here."

After leading a giant battle (which includes a Godzilla-sized Victorian automaton) Clara zaps the Sugar Plum Fairy with the giant laser. Again, this is an adaptation of the famous ballet.

Walt Disney StudiosWhoa. We've gotta start watching more ballet.

A fitting end that dumb old Tchaikovsky never had the courage to try.

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