Not Alan Moore dialogue, believe it or not.
So Batgirl can't do her job anymore because her clingy emotions have turned her into an emotionally charged rage monster -- and this was the part of the story that was meant to fix the sexism. At least the gritty ending in which Batman may or may not break the Joker's neck doesn't find Reese popping out of the bushes to yell "Oh, snap!"
The Collateral Beauty Script Is The Rambling Of A Crazy Person
Presumably because some studio executive pitched a version of A Christmas Carol in which Charles Dickens was fucked up on bath salts, the world was subjected to Collateral Beauty. Will Smith plays an advertising executive who -- still mourning the loss of his young daughter -- writes letters to the abstract concepts of Death, Time, and Love, only to find them answered by some kind of demigods who embody those ideas. Sadly, Smith and Jazzy Jeff weren't up to the task of trying to turn all of this nonsense into a lucrative tie-in song, which would have made it all worth it.
While some of the advertising presents this as a magical Christmas miracle, the movie is in truth about how Smith's business partners are conning him, hiring three actors to pretend to be those concepts he's pen pals with. Merry Christmas, jerks.
Warner Bros. Pictures
Damn, how much money did they have? That's Helen Mirren right there.
Their plan is to hire a private detective to videotape Smith, then digitally remove the actors he's talking to in order to make him look insane, thus forcing him out of the company. Yeah, you know it's a convoluted scheme when Industrial Light and Magic has to get in on it. Plus, couldn't you digitally erase anyone he's talking to so he'll look crazy?
If all this wasn't enough of a Christmas-y shit sandwich, there's a whole other storyline in which Smith meets a woman who lost her daughter too. They hit it off and even go out on a date. But because this script was written by the Hallmark equivalent of M. Night Shyamalan, it turns out that she's his estranged wife, who's treating him like a stranger because that's what he wanted, apparently. And he's in so much denial that he doesn't recognize her or something.
Warner Bros. Pictures
If this movie took place in the Men In Black universe, it would make so much more sense.
And then, in the rare and coveted double plot twist, the three actors disappear ... because they were real magical beings all along. Which is mind-boggling, especially since Love (Keira Knightley) was hired while auditioning for one of the agency's commercials. Yeah, why be satisfied with being an immortal being roaming the ethereal planes of existence when there's the possibility of landing the role of "Frustrated Mom" in the latest Pop-Tarts spot?
JM is now on Twitter, and co-hosts the podcast Rewatchability.
For more things you might've missed in movies, read 6 Movies That Didn't Realize The Villain Really Won and 5 Films That Are Horrifying If You Switch Their Perspectives.
And be sure to check out 9 Types Of Coworkers To Make You Want Your Head To Explode, and let us know about other headsplosion-worthy employees we may have missed.
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Imagine being trapped aboard the doomed Titanic on an icy Atlantic. . . with the walking dead. Check out Chris Pauls and Matt Solomon's Deck Z: The Titanic.