Like school, work, and pretty much every relationship you're ever going to have, movies can be pretty goddamn confusing. And while you may chalk up these baffling moments to lazy filmmaking or some kind of gas leak in the theater, sometimes they have actual explanations -- and all you have to do is sift through multiple screenplay drafts, dull novelizations, and dozens of hours of bonus materials to find out what they are!
Or, alternatively, you could let us do all the work and just read this article. Your call, dude.
6 Jurassic World -- Why Is Claire Covered In Shit All Of A Sudden?
The Baffling Moment:
Jurassic World's heroes are Owen and Claire, an inept raptor trainer and a cold-hearted businesswoman, respectively, who abandon the heavy moral and philosophical debate of the first Jurassic Park for the sexual innuendo and gender politics of a late-'70s sitcom. Mid-movie, they take off after the genetically engineered indominus rex, which is presumably Latin for "I seriously can't believe they ran out of scary dinosaurs already." When they first enter the jungle, Claire looks like she stepped right out of an H&M catalog:
Reminder: This woman shares DNA with Ron and Clint Howard.
But when we see them next, she's suddenly covered in shit, like a Dickensian street urchin.
"Did a pterodactyl with diarrhea just fly by?"
This isn't the next day or something; this is seven minutes later. So what the hell happened? Sure, wearing high heels in the jungle is probably causing her to face-plant every few seconds, but it turns out there's another reason ...
The short answer is, they cut a scene. The longer answer is, they cut an insane, disgusting, tone-deaf callback to the original movie. In this deleted scene, Owen says they should mask their scent with dinosaur feces -- specifically her scent, because she's a woman and therefore heavily perfumed. Did we mention this movie was made in 2015?
"I'm already a huge piece of shit, you see."
Claire then proceeds to slather dinosaur droppings all over herself in front of Owen. Most insanely, the scene is played as flirtatiously erotic ... which, outside of the darkest corners of the internet, is rare for poop-based scenes.
The universal "taking a mental picture for later use" face.
And sure, there was also a big pile of dinosaur shit in the original Jurassic Park, but at least Laura Dern never provocatively rubbed it on herself while Jeff Goldblum leered at her like some creep about to ruin his leather pants.
5 Spectre -- How Does A Ring Magically Reveal The Master Plot Of Every Bond Movie?
The Baffling Moment:
A lot of people ragged on the latest James Bond flick, Spectre, when it came out last year, despite the fact that it features Bond staples such as awesome car chases, beautiful women, and a brassy theme song seemingly about Bond's secret penchant for tentacle porn.
"When you've had my sex life, you need something ... different."
One especially confusing scene: Bond gives Q (MI6's resident nerd) a super-secret ring from the titular evil organization, Spectre. Q then analyzes the ring using his laptop on a mountaintop gondola, because internet cafes aren't cool-looking enough for this franchise.
Correction: Q uses a laptop he borrowed from his 16-year-old nephew.
Amazingly, this one ring from a random enemy agent leads Q to discover that every villain from the Daniel Craig era was working for Spectre -- think of them as the general manager to every Bond villain from the past 10 years' Arby's employee.
But putting the filmmakers' desperation to shoehorn Spectre into old movies' plots aside, just how in the hell did Q come to this conclusion? Since this is the only popular British film series that doesn't involve magic, how did a ring suddenly save the day?
If you look closely, you can see that Q's computer is pulling up toxicology reports from autopsies while simultaneously scrolling through the periodic table of elements. Which is a thing Sony computers do, apparently.
In a deleted scene, Bond looks at the camera and says, "Sony computers make me rock hard."
You can just barely make out that the toxicology report from their autopsies all contained the super-rare substance that the ring is made of, confirming they were all members of Spectre.
"It says here Le Chiffre was freelancing for Cobra, Hydra, and BP."
Director Sam Mendes clarified this point, but in a testament to just how confusing this scene truly is, even he fucks up the details, calling the rare substance "Ridium" -- even though you can plainly see (if you have access to a magnifying glass) that it's actually called "Reidite."
He went on to say, "You can't tell that unless you freeze-frame on those graphics, but it does make sense." So there you have it. If the projectionists at your local movie theater didn't pause the screen and let you read that part, they really dropped the ball.