The 'Captain Marvel' Website Is A Hilarious 1990s Trainwreck

We're rapidly approaching one of the most terrifying events mankind has ever witnessed. No, not global warming, but full-blown nostalgia for the '90s -- the cargo pants of decades. Soon we'll be drowning in spaghetti straps and Virtual Boy memes, as our minds slowly melt listening to Blind Melon. And leading the vanguard is Marvel's Captain Marvel, which has just launched a very, very retro website. But '90s kids will remember that this isn't the real deal.

The trailer for Captain Marvel, set in 1995, already felt intentionally dated (in more ways than one) with its Blockbusters and Top Gun references. But it seems that Marvel is really doubling down, and there's nothing more '90s than an ancient-looking website with Comic Sans in it. The whole website is dressed to the '90s, with an eye-deafeningly loud color scheme, a page view counter, a guestbook, and the ever-present "Multimedia" page with thumbnails so tiny you'd have to boot up Windows 95 to find a resolution low enough to properly see.

You can almost hear the deafening whine of a 28.8k modem connecting.
MarvelYou can almost hear the deafening whine of a 28.8k modem connecting.

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But despite the designers actually hosting the site on Angelfire, the once-proud home of thousands of people's websites for their pets, the Captain Marvel website is still a (to put it in '90s terms) sellout poser. As the Verge has pointed out, the site cuts a lot of retro corners so as to smuggle in tons of modern internet comforts, like Javascript and a few non-primary colors. The site itself is about 10 mb as well, which would've taken about 16 generations of humans to download in 1995. And that makes everything run fast and stutter-free, and nothing in the '90s was that smooth -- not even the song "Smooth" by Santana, featuring Rob Thomas.

She's not the hero GeoCities deserves. 
MarvelShe's not the hero GeoCities deserves.

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All those little lies could be forgiven if not for a single massive oversight: the Multimedia. More specifically, you can access the Multimedia. There's no QuickTime error, no pointless .wav file download, it didn't even say to update our RealPlayer before showing us the full trailer. That's some whaling on the moon nonsense right there.

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How can you possibly reenact what it was like being online in the mid '90s if you can just click a thumbnail and a movie starts playing? People would swing dance you to the town square and burn you as a witch if you showed them that back then. And knowing that they weren't prepared to ruin their entire marketing stunt for authenticity's sake, we're going to have to start wondering if Disney is nothing more than a bunch of corporate sellouts.

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