4 Video Game Mods Made Specifically For Terrible People
There comes a time in every gamer's life when you get tired of playing the same old video games you've been playing for years and decide to try ... the same old video games you've been playing for years, but modified (or "modded," as the cool kids say). In fact, we've written a lot of words about the wealth of mods that exist solely to make classic games crazier, cooler, or just plain better.
Well, these are not those mods. These are quite the opposite type of mods. Consider yourself warned.
You Can Now Take And Sell Drugs In The Sims!
It used to be that the worst thing you could do to your Sims was trap them in a swimming pool, but the power of mods has consigned that ol' chestnut to irrelevance. After all, why lock your Sims in a physical prison for mere hours when you can turn them into lifelong prisoners of their own addictions?
"Basemental" is a mod for The Sims 4 that allows your Sim to indulge themselves with cocaine, shrooms, amphetamines, weed, MDMA, ayahuasca, or even booze, all of which combined are almost as addictive as The Sims. In an interview with Kotaku, the creator explained that they were inspired after ... no, not getting high, but seeing other half-assed mods that added drugs as nothing but house decorations and didn't allow players to partake as Tony Montana intended.
In order to unlock the drugs, players have to either create a Sim with a newfound "Drug Dealer" skill and install them in the neighborhood, or go the lazy stoner route and make your Sim buy them from dodgy websites. Once they've got the drugs, your Sims will use them automatically as and whenever they want, mom. And yes, just to push home the message that drugs aren't all cool, your Sims suffer from maladies such as hangovers, come-downs, withdrawal symptoms, and overdoses of both the fatal and nonfatal variety. Your Sims can also experience the thrilling life of a dope dealer themselves, complete with annoying customers calling them at all times or getting busted by the Five-O.
We don't know what this says about our need to escape inside an already-existing method of escapism, but the guy who maintains this mod currently earns over $6,000 a month from it. So there you go, budding entrepreneurs: If you want to make fat stacks from this Bizarro mod economy, but don't want to wind up on a list, turn your darkest hobby into a Sims skill.
You Can Now Have Even More Gruesome Violence In GTA!
Admittedly, a mod that allows players to be ultra-violent in Grand Theft Auto doesn't sound like much considering, well ... it's GTA. But the violence in the series is generally so cartoonish that it can sometimes feel like you're playing an Itchy & Scratchy game. With this in mind, it's little wonder that not one but dozens and dozens of mods have cropped up in the last few years to "correct" the depiction of violence.
There's "Crawl Injury," which allows NPCs the joy of being able to slowly (and ineffectually) crawl away from you as they bleed out.
There's "GunShot Wound," which brings a "realistic damage system with pain and bleeding" to the game, meaning that one shot will turn you into a sack of meat lying pathetically the ground.
Turning characters' faces into bloody pulps when you punch them? You got it. Disturbingly realistic gunshot wounds, cuts, and splatter? This way. Bloodcurdling screams for NPCs? Here you go, you sick bastard. Other mods are simply violent on the senses, like that one that adds Stallone into the game. There are tons of these available for download right now, which we guess proves one thing: While the video game industry might be going to shit, at least the Venn diagram of "people who don't keep up with games" and "people who don't know they can watch combat footage on YouTube" is happy.
Related: What We Want From 'GTA 6'
You Can Now Let Modern Nazis Take Over The World In Hearts Of Iron!
It sure seems like Nazis have had a bit of a resurgence starting around 2016, although no specific catalyst comes to mind. Suddenly there are Nazis on the streets, Nazis on our ballots, Nazis on our televisions, Nazis all over the internet, and Nazis in our video games. "Wait, weren't Nazis already a staple of games?" you ask. Yes, they were. It's just that thanks to a series of mods for Hearts Of Iron IV, their role has been upgraded from "cannon fodder" to "the goddamn protagonists."
Hearts Of Iron IV is a political strategy game set between 1933 and 1946. A mod called "Millennium Dawn" lets you play with modern-day factions, such as the Islamic State, a far-left party governed by Jill Stein (yes, she's definitely the contemporary inheritor of Marx), and oh yeah, as a white nationalist party governed by famous punching bag Richard Spencer. If players choose to place him in power in the United States, he begins enacting policies that reflect his turdish beliefs, including (re)implementing segregation, installing former KKK Grand Wizard David Duke in a leadership role, and presumably making Macklemore haircuts mandatory.
Predictably, some players thought that the mod didn't go far enough in its semi-approval of white nationalistic bullshit. One submod of "Millennium Dawn" (yes, a mod of the mod) made it so that the Canadian Libertarian Party was governed by Lauren Southern, one of those white "identitarian" personalities YouTube will start pushing down your throat if you're on the site for too long. Another remodded the colonial state of Rhodesia back into civilization. If you're wondering where you know Rhodesia from, recall that Dylann Roof, the guy who killed nine black people in a church in 2015, is a big fan. So now it's a meme that you put in video games when you're totally racist garbage, you see.
Sadly, it looks like the creator of the original "Millennium Dawn" mod has been dealing with a wave of toxic and abusive players infesting the community. Huh, it's almost as if intentionally appealing to the absolute worst people on the internet might not be such a great idea?
Anyway, there's yet another mod called "Aryan Goddess" that puts Taylor Swift in charge of the Third Reich, because of course there is.
You Can Now Marry A Child In Stardew Valley! (But Please Don't)
Between 2011 and 2016, programmer Eric Barone worked 24/7 singlehandedly developing Stardew Valley as a way of compensating for the fact that cutesy farming games had gone the way of the virtual dodo. The game was released to massive acclaim, but some players were unhappy because they couldn't fulfill one important part of farm life: uh, marrying a 10-year-old girl?
The internet asked, and unfortunately, the internet received.
You'll be shocked to learn that this mod started as a joke on 4chan, after some posters decried the fact that the game's marrying options were too "bland" (read: "legal"). In response, the mod's creator whipped up the necessary files to allow players to start a romantic relationship with a young girl named Jas. And she's quite clearly a young girl, as evidenced by the fact that her two main character traits are "shy and afraid of adults" and "likes to play with dolls." Something else that hints at her being a child? The modded sequence of the player character marrying her has her standing on a footstool. Because she's too small. To kiss her new husband. Because she's freaking 10 years old.
The mod includes the dating phase, custom dialogue for various characters (including the criminally relaxed in-laws), and a married schedule for the happy couple. Upon its release, the mod was almost immediately blasted off the popular modding site originally hosting it, and it isn't too difficult to see why. Even the game itself sometimes rejects the mod, almost as if it knows that its existence is an aberration against God and man. Luckily, there are some troubleshooting tips!
That's right, gents. If you find that the child marriage mod -- which you installed because you didn't find the adult characters sexy enough -- stops working, try plying your child bride with gifts, conversation, or "going to bed." And if that doesn't work, try considering that "you might have made a mistake."
Yes. Yes, you did.
Just get a Nintendo Switch and play some non-modded games like a normal person.
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