Britain's New Porn Law Is Insanely Stupid

In another bid to Make Britain Victorian Again, the Conservative government is in its final stages of implementing stricter porn regulations. The original proposal? By the end the year, all British adults wishing to visit an X-rated website would have to legally prove their age, most likely by putting down a credit card number -- something no human has done to see porn since 1998. But in response to criticism regarding hacking, the government has thought of a more discreet system for accessing porn: asking your local mini-mart guy.

scyther5/iStock This government would sell their National Health Service to McDonald's if they could, but they'll regulate the hell out of erotic cake farting.

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In 2017, the government passed the Digital Economy Act, a nationwide Terms & Conditions update they hoped no one would bother to read. The most controversial provision of the act was a new mandatory age check system for porn sites, the enforcement of which somehow became the job of the British Board of Film Classification -- probably because of their expertise in determining what viewing material is "too French" for British eyes.

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Of course, digital rights groups quickly pointed out that, among other boner moves, a government that creates a database of citizen porn habits plus their credit card info might as well put out a Doritos buffet for all the hackers it would attract. To counter these worries, the BBFC is now planning a lo-fi alternative. Citizens might be allowed to simply go out, flash a form of ID, and buy "porn passes" (paper access codes) from licensed vendors. And who are these new gatekeepers offering adults their licenses to wank? Newsstand operators, i.e. the same people who sold us our first six-pack of Coors when we were 14.

WiredIf only there was a single Conservative teenager, then they could've been reminded how incredibly unrealistic this plan is.

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Forcing people to buy their porn (access) in a store reeks of the same weird Brexit nostalgia the Conservative Party always employs to please aging Britons, who'd rather it just be 1963 again. ("Feeling in the mood? No Carry On film on the telly? Simply nip off to the shops and put down a tenner for a looky-loo at the cheeky stuff!") And of course, none of this will remotely keep children away. It just means they'll also get their porn in the same fashion grandpa did in the good old days: either by bribing a 19-year-old to buy access codes for them, or stumbling upon discarded codes in the woods.

For more attempts at witticism and his personal recipes for toilet wine, do follow Cedric on Twitter.

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