What Would The Netflix Movie Theaters Be Like?

It's 2018, yet the film industry still thinks that movies we see on our couch in our underwear aren't really worthy of respect. Despite producing critically acclaimed films like The Meyerowitz Stories and Mudbound, Netflix is struggling to grab the attention of the film award circuit, mostly because they can't generate the necessary "theatrical buzz" by releasing their movies online simultaneously with whatever limited release they put into the meatworld. This approach even got them kicked out of Cannes this year, which banned their movies because they didn't "play in competition" in France and haughty French cinephiles get a rash when they watch a film on anything else than an old smoke-stained projection screen.

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Yet despite putting on a brave face and stating they didn't even want to hang out in the French Riviera with Sofia Coppola, it was revealed that Netflix has been considering expanding into the movie theater biz. Sources claim the company was recently set on acquiring theaters in both L.A. and New York, but backed off because the price was a few seasons of Friends too costly. Clearly, not being allowed to sit at the Hollywood grown-ups table is getting to Netflix, and with that announcement that it'll be releasing 80 films just this year alone, it seems logical to start stacking bricks in order to start stacking golden statues.

wellesenterprises/iStock"We'll start our own movie theater! With Orange Is The New Black! And hookers!"

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While the idea of Netflix theaters seems pretty cool, is this really the right direction for the company to be going? Netflix has been revolutionary because it's always been forward thinking, moving from mailing DVDs to offering cheap streaming to doing what the youth really wants -- making shows about depressed horses and showing Frasier reruns. So if they're serious about opening their own movie theaters, they should really consider operating them in the spirit of how people prefer to consume Netflix products, such as:

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  • Offering 24-hour passes for people who know they were kidding themselves about getting anything else done today (includes wake-up service after every third movie).
  • Escorting out anyone who isn't on their phone.
  • Dedicating screens exclusively to obscure Netflix genres, like "Scandinavian women solving rural murders" or "Movies about teenagers contemplating death while on hot balloon rides"
  • Separating the seating areas into a "Netflix" section and a "Chill" section where the armrests have been taken off for maximum ergonomical canoodling.
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You're welcome, Netflix!

For more attempts at witticisms and his personal recipes for toilet wine, do follow Cedric on Twitter.

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For more, check out 5 Ways Streaming Video Will Suck In The Future and How Dumb Do You Have To Be To Try And Hold Netflix Ransom?

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