6 Psychotic Gun Accessories (You Can Totally Buy)
Gun enthusiasts and action figure collectors aren't that different when you think about it. Both spend large amounts of money on objectively ridiculous items that will probably never be used for their intended purpose, mostly just to admire them and appease their inner 14-year-old. The only difference is that when a gun nut spends too long on eBay, instead of paying $50 for the pizza-throwing tank from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, they'll buy something like ...
A Shell That Allows You To BBQ A Deer With A Single Shot
To a certain demographic, owning a firearm is all about sending a message -- not to the government, criminals, or the liberal elites, but to ammunition manufacturers. And that message is: "We'll happily buy the stupidest crap you can think of, as long as it looks cool as hell." Behold the "Dragon's Breath":
These shells -- also known as "zirconium pyrotechnic ammunition," because gun nerds are still nerds, after all -- are standard-issue shotgun shells, only packed with magnesium pellets in lieu of buckshot. When the trigger is pulled, the highly flammable magnesium ignites and sprays hellfire in the face of anything or anyone unfortunate enough to be caught inside its range (anywhere between 50 and 300 ft). If you're lucky enough to survive being shot, congratulations! That deep burning sensation you're experiencing comes from knowing that some dirtbag is already putting the footage on YouTube ... and also the literal deep burning, as magnesium burns at 3,000-4,000 degrees.
It's kinda hard to see how this has any value outside of racking up those ad dollars. They're not used by the military, and if you're not looking to mount a wight skull on your wall, we'd give them a pass for hunting too. There's also a convincing argument that these things are illegal under Protocol III of the Geneva Convention on Certain Conventional Weapons -- namely, the part which outlaws weapons and munitions that are "primarily designed to set fire to objects or to cause burn injury to persons." It's probably for these reasons that several fascist states have banned the sale of these shells, including Alaska, California, Iowa, and even Florida. If you've bought something too crazy for Florida, it's time to reconsider your life choices.
A Shoulder Stock That Lets You Hide A Gun Inside Your Other Gun
You know that scene in every action movie in which the hero runs out of ammo and is forced to surrender and/or kick ass the old-fashioned fist-shaped way? The makers of the MULE Adaptive Storage Stock (that's kind of a mouthful) clearly watched one such scene whilst tripping on mescaline and asked, "Why doesn't the bigger gun just crap out another gun?"
The MULE A.S.S. (ohhh) is designed to replace your rifle's boring, non-insane stock with a plastic trapper keeper that allows you to carry around a secondary handgun -- a "Glock in the stock," as they say. Look, folks, the only way you're going to pull this off with any sophistication in front of the guys at the range is in your mind's eye. This is like something they offered to James Bond at some point, but he was all, "Nah, too silly."
The manufacturers, however, temper their pitch by saying that you don't have to put a gun in the compartment, as it can accommodate anything -- a light snack, a pocket Bible, a guinea pig, whatever. We recommend carrying contact information for a good lawyer for when the little loaded gun accidentally falls out and shoots someone right in the Adaptive Storage Stock.
An Add-On To Turn Your Shotgun Into A Glorified Spear
We'll happily admit that we don't participate in deer hunting. Not because we're squeamish, but because we don't like all the pomp and formality -- lining up on the field of battle with your friends opposite an equally large force of deer, both sides waiting for the bugle blast that signals the start of the bayonet charge, and the stillness of the air whilst the dead are being collected.
Wait, we're thinking of the Civil War. So why is this company selling gun spears in the Year of Our Lord 2018?
Oh, it's because they've found a market in insecure dudes who need to extend their allegorical junk. This particular model is the KSG Lancia, which boasts "four blood grooves to eliminate any vacuum during the thrusting and retract operations," in case you're a little short in the upper body strength department too.
If the Lancia doesn't quite gird your loins, the Melee Pyramids and the Zombie Bayonets offer two pointy things instead of one, while the Trifecta has three (but they're smaller, defeating the point). All of these are accompanied by snappy puns such as "Make sure your opponent gets the point!" and boring-ass legal disclaimers reminding us that these products could cause serious harm if handled improperly. Which, whilst true, neatly sidesteps the fact that they're designed to hurt people when handled properly.
A Bendable Mechanism That Lets You Shoot People From Behind Corners
If you've always thought that the biggest problem with guns is that they only work in straight lines, boy have we got the accessory for you. And only you.
It's called CornerShot, and it works like one of those grabber arms, at least after a fashion. You place your gun inside a cradle with a special mechanism that allows it to swivel it up to 90 degrees at a left or right angle, because any further and you risk blowing your head off. Using a monitor and camera to aim the gun, it's then a matter of finding your target and pulling the trigger. It's perfect for when you want to shoot something with total equanimity and sleep soundly at night without it being seared onto your mind and soul forever. Sure, you still witnessed a death, but it doesn't count if it's over video.
You might remember this product from years ago when they released a version with a unrealistic-looking cat disguise stuffed on the end, for reasons known only to whoever designed this and the team of psychologists they're probably seeing.
You can rest easy, however, knowing it's practically impossible to buy CornerShot because they're only available to militaries, law enforcement agencies, and Special Forces groups. Oh, except in Canada, where any random cowbo- uh, snowherder can pick one up for the low, low price of $3,499 and do absolutely nothing with it in their gun-control-filled tundra.
Double Drum Magazines That Let You Spray Bullets For Ungodly Amounts Of Time
We at Cracked have dedicated a lot of words to debunking the myths that popular culture loves to spread about guns -- first and foremost, the fact that movie guns seemingly come with infinite ammo, when in real life, you wouldn't be able to get your voice to a good yelling volume before the barrel runs dry.
Or at least, that's how it used to work.
What you're seeing there is a double drum magazine -- a cache of ammo that takes ten seconds of fully automatic bullet splurging to empty. You can buy them for everything from rifles and handguns to submachine guns and assault rifles, and they are perfect for those rare situations wherein you're required to kill God.
According to the manufacturers, the double drum magazine is a "COMBAT MULTIPLIER" (caps in the original) that allows you deliver "increased firepower and lethality." What practical use could this possibly have, you ask? Well, as one acolyte put it, "This magazine is an investment ... good for an emergency situation where you need a defensive rifle with a high amount of ammunition to defend your home, house, neighborhood, etc."
Buddy, if you're regularly finding yourself defending your property against an armed force that can only be beaten back with a magazine large enough to maintain its own gravitational field, you might be better served getting out of Syria.
Turn Any Hunting Trip Into The D-Day Landings
We've had some laughs here today, but now it's time for a word from our sponsors: this country's endemic problem with gun violence and the apparent inability of gun accessorizers to ask themselves if this is the right political environment in which to sell mounts and gizmos that can turn any semi-automatic or automatic rifle into a machine gun nest.
The answer, of course, is that it is! We mean, look at this guy. He mounted his automatic rifle -- coupled with a double drum magazine, natch -- on a buggy, and by Jove, it doesn't bear thinking about what would have happened if he'd been mobbed by a pack of marauding deer and didn't have a meat grinder mounted on his stuff.
Or what about this guy, who managed to hold off an attack from some devious water balloons long enough to modify his semi-automatic rifle with a "gat crank"? That would be a crank that attaches to the trigger mechanism and allows the user to fire at the same rate as an automatic, a modification that somehow exists within murkier legal territory than those "bump stocks" you've heard so much about lately.
We know what you're thinking: To refuse these poor gentlemen the right to defend themselves against real and/or imaginary threats using real and/and definitely lethal-adjacent accessories isn't just condemning them to death. To even dare to question why anybody would need to own the loudest, shoutiest bullet geyser in the tri-state area is a flat out mockery of everyone's Second Amendment rights. Right? Hey, where's everybody going?
Adam Wears is on Twitter and Facebook, and has a newsletter about depressing history that you should definitely subscribe to.
Even Australia recognized we needed gun control after their own horrifying massacre. Read about it here.
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