6 Psychotic Gun Accessories (You Can Totally Buy)

The MULE A.S.S. (ohhh) is designed to replace your rifle's boring, non-insane stock with a plastic trapper keeper that allows you to carry around a secondary handgun -- a "Glock in the stock," as they say. Look, folks, the only way you're going to pull this off with any sophistication in front of the guys at the range is in your mind's eye. This is like something they offered to James Bond at some point, but he was all, "Nah, too silly."

The manufacturers, however, temper their pitch by saying that you don't have to put a gun in the compartment, as it can accommodate anything -- a light snack, a pocket Bible, a guinea pig, whatever. We recommend carrying contact information for a good lawyer for when the little loaded gun accidentally falls out and shoots someone right in the Adaptive Storage Stock.

Wait, we're thinking of the Civil War. So why is this company selling gun spears in the Year of Our Lord 2018?

Oh, it's because they've found a market in insecure dudes who need to extend their allegorical junk. This particular model is the KSG Lancia, which boasts "four blood grooves to eliminate any vacuum during the thrusting and retract operations," in case you're a little short in the upper body strength department too.

If the Lancia doesn't quite gird your loins, the Melee Pyramids and the Zombie Bayonets offer two pointy things instead of one, while the Trifecta has three (but they're smaller, defeating the point). All of these are accompanied by snappy puns such as "Make sure your opponent gets the point!" and boring-ass legal disclaimers reminding us that these products could cause serious harm if handled improperly. Which, whilst true, neatly sidesteps the fact that they're designed to hurt people when handled properly.

It's called CornerShot, and it works like one of those grabber arms, at least after a fashion. You place your gun inside a cradle with a special mechanism that allows it to swivel it up to 90 degrees at a left or right angle, because any further and you risk blowing your head off. Using a monitor and camera to aim the gun, it's then a matter of finding your target and pulling the trigger. It's perfect for when you want to shoot something with total equanimity and sleep soundly at night without it being seared onto your mind and soul forever. Sure, you still witnessed a death, but it doesn't count if it's over video.

You might remember this product from years ago when they released a version with a unrealistic-looking cat disguise stuffed on the end, for reasons known only to whoever designed this and the team of psychologists they're probably seeing.

You can rest easy, however, knowing it's practically impossible to buy CornerShot because they're only available to militaries, law enforcement agencies, and Special Forces groups. Oh, except in Canada, where any random cowbo- uh, snowherder can pick one up for the low, low price of $3,499 and do absolutely nothing with it in their gun-control-filled tundra.

Or at least, that's how it used to work.

What you're seeing there is a double drum magazine -- a cache of ammo that takes ten seconds of fully automatic bullet splurging to empty. You can buy them for everything from rifles and handguns to submachine guns and assault rifles, and they are perfect for those rare situations wherein you're required to kill God.

According to the manufacturers, the double drum magazine is a "COMBAT MULTIPLIER" (caps in the original) that allows you deliver "increased firepower and lethality." What practical use could this possibly have, you ask? Well, as one acolyte put it, "This magazine is an investment ... good for an emergency situation where you need a defensive rifle with a high amount of ammunition to defend your home, house, neighborhood, etc."

Buddy, if you're regularly finding yourself defending your property against an armed force that can only be beaten back with a magazine large enough to maintain its own gravitational field, you might be better served getting out of Syria.

Or what about this guy, who managed to hold off an attack from some devious water balloons long enough to modify his semi-automatic rifle with a "gat crank"? That would be a crank that attaches to the trigger mechanism and allows the user to fire at the same rate as an automatic, a modification that somehow exists within murkier legal territory than those "bump stocks" you've heard so much about lately.

We know what you're thinking: To refuse these poor gentlemen the right to defend themselves against real and/or imaginary threats using real and/and definitely lethal-adjacent accessories isn't just condemning them to death. To even dare to question why anybody would need to own the loudest, shoutiest bullet geyser in the tri-state area is a flat out mockery of everyone's Second Amendment rights. Right? Hey, where's everybody going?

Adam Wears is on Twitter and Facebook, and has a newsletter about depressing history that you should definitely subscribe to.

Even Australia recognized we needed gun control after their own horrifying massacre. Read about it here.

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