4

An Add-On To Turn Your Shotgun Into A Glorified Spear

We'll happily admit that we don't participate in deer hunting. Not because we're squeamish, but because we don't like all the pomp and formality -- lining up on the field of battle with your friends opposite an equally large force of deer, both sides waiting for the bugle blast that signals the start of the bayonet charge, and the stillness of the air whilst the dead are being collected.

Wait, we're thinking of the Civil War. So why is this company selling gun spears in the Year of Our Lord 2018?

SMT Tactical

SMT TacticalTheir initial pitch, "Gun Dick: A Dick For Your Gun!" wasn't as successful.

Oh, it's because they've found a market in insecure dudes who need to extend their allegorical junk. This particular model is the KSG Lancia, which boasts "four blood grooves to eliminate any vacuum during the thrusting and retract operations," in case you're a little short in the upper body strength department too.

3

A Bendable Mechanism That Lets You Shoot People From Behind Corners

If you've always thought that the biggest problem with guns is that they only work in straight lines, boy have we got the accessory for you. And only you.

Corner ShotGood to know ACME is still in business.

It's called CornerShot, and it works like one of those grabber arms, at least after a fashion. You place your gun inside a cradle with a special mechanism that allows it to swivel it up to 90 degrees at a left or right angle, because any further and you risk blowing your head off. Using a monitor and camera to aim the gun, it's then a matter of finding your target and pulling the trigger. It's perfect for when you want to shoot something with total equanimity and sleep soundly at night without it being seared onto your mind and soul forever. Sure, you still witnessed a death, but it doesn't count if it's over video.

You might remember this product from years ago when they released a version with a unrealistic-looking cat disguise stuffed on the end, for reasons known only to whoever designed this and the team of psychologists they're probably seeing.

Discovery CommunicationsSecond-worst Muppet after Elmo.

You can rest easy, however, knowing it's practically impossible to buy CornerShot because they're only available to militaries, law enforcement agencies, and Special Forces groups. Oh, except in Canada, where any random cowbo- uh, snowherder can pick one up for the low, low price of $3,499 and do absolutely nothing with it in their gun-control-filled tundra.

2

Double Drum Magazines That Let You Spray Bullets For Ungodly Amounts Of Time

We at Cracked have dedicated a lot of words to debunking the myths that popular culture loves to spread about guns -- first and foremost, the fact that movie guns seemingly come with infinite ammo, when in real life, you wouldn't be able to get your voice to a good yelling volume before the barrel runs dry.

Or at least, that's how it used to work.

What you're seeing there is a double drum magazine -- a cache of ammo that takes ten seconds of fully automatic bullet splurging to empty. You can buy them for everything from rifles and handguns to submachine guns and assault rifles, and they are perfect for those rare situations wherein you're required to kill God.

According to the manufacturers, the double drum magazine is a "COMBAT MULTIPLIER" (caps in the original) that allows you deliver "increased firepower and lethality." What practical use could this possibly have, you ask? Well, as one acolyte put it, "This magazine is an investment ... good for an emergency situation where you need a defensive rifle with a high amount of ammunition to defend your home, house, neighborhood, etc."

Buddy, if you're regularly finding yourself defending your property against an armed force that can only be beaten back with a magazine large enough to maintain its own gravitational field, you might be better served getting out of Syria.

1

Turn Any Hunting Trip Into The D-Day Landings

We've had some laughs here today, but now it's time for a word from our sponsors: this country's endemic problem with gun violence and the apparent inability of gun accessorizers to ask themselves if this is the right political environment in which to sell mounts and gizmos that can turn any semi-automatic or automatic rifle into a machine gun nest.

KNS Precision, Inc."Now you can rock and roll like the BIG BOYS!" -- actual quote from this big boy website

The answer, of course, is that it is! We mean, look at this guy. He mounted his automatic rifle -- coupled with a double drum magazine, natch -- on a buggy, and by Jove, it doesn't bear thinking about what would have happened if he'd been mobbed by a pack of marauding deer and didn't have a meat grinder mounted on his stuff.

Or what about this guy, who managed to hold off an attack from some devious water balloons long enough to modify his semi-automatic rifle with a "gat crank"? That would be a crank that attaches to the trigger mechanism and allows the user to fire at the same rate as an automatic, a modification that somehow exists within murkier legal territory than those "bump stocks" you've heard so much about lately.

We know what you're thinking: To refuse these poor gentlemen the right to defend themselves against real and/or imaginary threats using real and/and definitely lethal-adjacent accessories isn't just condemning them to death. To even dare to question why anybody would need to own the loudest, shoutiest bullet geyser in the tri-state area is a flat out mockery of everyone's Second Amendment rights. Right? Hey, where's everybody going?

Adam Wears is on Twitter and Facebook, and has a newsletter about depressing history that you should definitely subscribe to.

Even Australia recognized we needed gun control after their own horrifying massacre. Read about it here.

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For more check out 7 Realities Of Surviving Mass Shootings The Media Leaves Out and We Asked A Mass Shooter Why The Hell This Keeps Happening.

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