Welcome to Defending the Indefensible Week, where we attempt to vindicate some of pop culture's crappiest moments through the magic of harebrained internet theories. Such as ...
Jurassic World was a blockbuster sequel whose central premise was that making "Jurassic World" was a dumb idea, because the original was much better. It was so full of meta-nostalgia for the first Jurassic Park that they may as well have changed the logo to an image of Jeff Goldblum's glistening chest.
This new and improved Jurassic World is run by a bunch of idiots. Even after a sneak preview of the original park led to multiple dino-murders, these people have actually downgraded the security. One of the rides is literally a bubble-shaped death trap that children can roll straight into danger, with only the tiresome antics of Jimmy Fallon for protection.
As for the pen housing their super-secret, ultra-dangerous Indominus Rex? They have one guy keeping watch, and he seems more interested in a tuna sandwich than making sure the murder-saurus doesn't rampage through an island full of vacationing families.
Now, to be fair, this could all be part of the movie's nostalgia trip. Characters in Jurassic Park films have a history of hiring the absolute worst possible people to do extremely important jobs.
But the Indominus Rex's escape isn't made possible by sheer human incompetence alone. It's also able to hide from all the cameras in its pen and trick the humans into thinking it had already gotten out. Which raises a question: How the hell does it even know what a camera is?
Thankfully, YouTuber Matthew Patrick has come up with a theory that makes sense of everything. What if Jurassic World was less about human screw-ups and magic dinosaurs, and more about secret shadowy machinations? What if all of this random stupidity was actually the result of a conspiracy thriller playing out in the background?
Remember how idiot security jerk Hoskins keeps bringing up that half-baked plan to militarize velociraptors? By the end of the movie, they end up doing just that as a last-ditch effort to take down the I-Rex (and to get a badass, poster-ready shot of Chris Pratt riding a motorcycle alongside his dino buddies).
We also learn that Dr. Wu, the scientist from the original, is secretly in league with Hoskins. This is presumably why he's gone from sporting a friendly white lab coat to donning the black turtleneck of evil.
Doesn't it seem just a teeny bit coincidental that these guys were pressing to weaponize the velociraptors right before they landed a golden opportunity to implement it? The story starts to make more sense if a conspiracy engineered the emergency as justification to beta test their raptor squad.
Patrick's video even uses science to back up this theory. When the I-Rex escapes, it does so by lowering its body temperature while simultaneously camouflaging. The only problem is that based on the evidence provided by the movie, this is impossible.
According to Dr. Wu, the Indominus' animal superpowers include cuttlefish genes for camouflage and frog DNA to regulate body heat and avoid thermal scans.
The only problem is that they wouldn't be able to do this at the same time, because the frog regulates its heat by changing color, which would totally nullify the camouflage. So the only way for the I-Rex to escape is if someone sabotaged the security systems. Of course, it's also possible that the screenwriter merely skimmed a National Geographic and didn't realize his mistake before handing in the script ... but this theory is way more fun.
The conspiracy angle also explains why these parks keep breeding raptors. Why bio-engineer deadly weapons on an island full of children and Jimmy-Buffett-themed restaurants? It's not like they make for an exciting attraction -- in the original movie, all the visitors got to see was a cow being deposited into some gyrating foliage.
Maybe these parks were always a front for military experiments. Even John Hammond could have been in on it, which would explain why he completely bailed on his apparent moral awakening.
Still doesn't explain why the velociraptors don't have feathers.
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Sometimes the stories after the stories are even stranger.
For as much as people love them, the 'Star Wars' movies have gotten rather awkward from time to time.
Going for that 16th minute.