Oh, and to make matters worse, Pistorius was trapped with a brain determined to remind him not of how badly he was going to kick ass at trivia competitions when he recovered, but of the thought that he was never going to recover, and that he was nothing more than a drain on his parents. This feeling certainly didn't pass when his mother stared him in the eyes and, not knowing what we know, wished that he'd died. That alone would have been enough to drive us insane and despondent. But we aren't Martin MindMaster Pistorius.
Realizing that his best hope of survival lay in keeping his mind active, he fell into a regular routine of activities, such as telling the time by tracking the movement of sunlight in his room and, of course, wishing that Barney would get headshotted by a meteor. We're not joking. When Pistorius eventually recovered, he credited, in absence of any medical explanation, watching that clappy-happy junk all day with fortifying his mind until it was strong enough to punch through his paralysis and escape. See? In a way, he does love you, Martin.
WWII Veterans Fought Corrupt Sheriffs Over A Rigged Election On The Streets Of Tennessee
During the 1930s and '40s, the small town of Athens, Tennessee was a political no man's land where every election -- from state to sheriff to hall monitor -- was fixed to favor the interests of the local establishment. Well, either that or the town had cultivated a very politically active group of dead people. Corruption was an everyday thing for the civilian population, who'd pretty much gotten used to living in a fiefdom. Now, the local GIs ... that's another story.
Having heard about the town's situation while handing Nazis their behinds, the returning GIs immediately set about organizing their own slate of nonpartisan, non-corrupt candidates, promising a return to free elections. The local deputies responded to this heartwarming display of patriotism by beating and arresting any GIs they could get their hands on.
via Tennessee OverhillWe were under the impression that GIs operated out of a badass aircraft carrier, but whatever.
When the GIs tried to set up observers at every polling station during election day, the deputies arrested them and continued turning away voters, even going so far as to shoot one of them. An angry crowd of GIs soon started protesting outside the local jail, alleging (correctly) voter suppression and (definitely) dickishness of the highest order. The sheriff, himself up for reelection, told them to get lost. We wish we had his confidence, because remember, Adolf Hitler couldn't get these guys off his back. What sort of odds did he have?
The GIs responded by grabbing their guns and laying siege to the jail. It was 250 well-trained, battle-hardened killing machines versus 200 local deputies who were probably good for ticketing local drunks and helping rustle cattle and little else. It isn't known who fired the first shot, but both sides were soon trading fire using everything at their disposal -- pistols, shotguns, automatic weapons, Molotov cocktails, everything short of missiles and nukes.
via Tennessee Overhill"Not for lack of trying."
The townspeople took to the streets and watched, with some even going as far to serve refreshments and snacks to the soldiers. The GIs soon figured that it was time to cut the bull and called in the resident demolitions specialist to strap a few sticks of dynamite to the jail and bring the whole system tumbling down.
And you'd never guess what the GIs found when they opened up the ballot boxes: The townspeople had overwhelmingly voted for the GI candidates, presumably because the local cemetery hadn't yet bused in their load to swing the vote back. It was a victory for democracy, justice, and the solving-all-our-problems-with-guns way. (Though how awkward would it have been if they'd opened those ballot boxes to find that there wasn't a massive conspiracy and the townspeople hated their guts?)
Please join Cracked tomorrow for even more true stories that are too gonzo for your local cineplex.
Adam Wears is on Twitter and Facebook, and has a newsletter about depressing history that you should definitely subscribe to.
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