4

Chewie Rips Simon Pegg's Arm Off In The Force Awakens

The Force Awakens was essentially a beat-for-beat remake of the first Star Wars, but with newer special effects and the added sensation that your youth is gone forever and you can never get it back. Its extensive list of callbacks to the original include an orphan living on a desert planet, another Death Star, and, of course, Ms. Yoda. But hey, at least the movie isn't a total carbon copy of the original, because no one gets their arm severed at a bar -- except they did.

LucasfilmAnd it wasn't someone with an ass for a mouth.

3

In Return Of The Jedi, Obi-Wan Just Kind Of Decides To Come Back To Life

A lot of fans don't really care for Return Of The Jedi, probably because it's more than a little jarring to see an epic battle between good and evil decided by an army of adorable critters -- like if Die Hard ended with Teddy Ruxpin pistol-whipping Hans Gruber. But people who hate the Ewoks like a cuddly plague wouldn't complain so loudly if they knew the awfulness Lucas originally cooked up.

One of the early drafts for the then-titled Revenge Of The Jedi found Luke confronting the Emperor in his underground throne room, because even rulers of galaxies still have dreams of kicking it like a troll king.

Lucasfilm"Welcome, young Skywalker, I have been expecting- I'm sorry, can we go up to the Death Star? It is hot as balls in here."

2

In Revenge Of The Sith, The Clones Try To Trick The Jedi With A Costume Change

The last movie in the prequel trilogy had the awkward task of trying to chronicle the transformation of Anakin Skywalker from a sand-hating whiner to an evil Mustafa-voiced badass. And they nailed it, right? Right? But even though the movie was pretty dumb, it was almost even dumber.

Lucasfilm"Not possible, that is."

In the third act, all the Jedi are killed off by the evil clone army -- the worst use of clones since Michael Keaton decided he didn't like doing housework. In one deleted scene, after the clones have gone full Skynet, Yoda and Obi-Wan return to the Jedi Temple and find a gaggle of Jedi milling about out front.

Lucasfilm"My name? It's #154- ah, shit."

Of course, these "Jedi" are really clones in disguise, which raises so many questions. Mainly: Do they think Yoda's an idiot? Yoda is a Jedi grandmaster and has known every other Jedi since they were poopy padawan babies. And the clones have probably the most recognizable accent and face in the galaxy. Why would they think throwing bathrobes on would somehow amount to a kickass disguise? Not to mention the fact that Jedi are straight-up mind-readers. Sensing things is half of their job description!

Lucasfilm

1

Empire's Abominable Snowman Chase Scene

Luckily for audiences, most cut scenes from the Star Wars movies were the right calls -- sloggy, badly written, sometimes confusingly incestuous mistakes. But among all the discarded garbage, there was one rather awesome darling that had to be killed. A deleted storyline from The Empire Strikes Back found the Rebels on Hoth fighting and imprisoning Wampas.

LucasfilmAnd joined the ever-growing group of people who have had an arm chopped off by one of the protagonists.

Rebels fighting abominable snowmen sounds a lot cooler than stormtroopers getting their asses handed to them by Salvation Army teddy bears, right? So if you're wondering why these scenes were cut, it might have something to do with the fact that the Wampas themselves looked about as believable as some jagoffs in cheap yeti costumes.

LucasfilmThey tried to get the stop-motion snowman from Rudolph, but they were already way over budget.

When the Empire invades the base, Han, Leia, and Threepio run for their lives, sadly leaving Cliff from Cheers to be horribly murdered. While fleeing, Threepio becomes a straight-up Looney Tunes character. Instead of following Han, he stops for a moment and rips the sign off a door which presumably reads "DANGER: Unconvincing Ice Monsters Inside."

Lucasfilm

Lucasfilm"Sir, I believe that if we paint this door as though it were the entrance to a tunnel ..."

So when the snowtroopers run by, they naturally stop and decide to open the door, probably assuming that the unlabeled room is where the Rebels stash all their candy and porn. Of course, this leads to one of them getting pulled inside by the giant paw of an unseen Wampa ...

Lucasfilm

... only for Vader to casually stroll in, see his trooper's incompetence, and stroll away like he's muttering "I can't even" inside his helmet.

Lucasfilm"Well, saves me the trouble of choking him for incompetence."

If it seems kind of stupid and silly, that's probably because it's missing some sweet John-Williams-conducted slide whistle.

You (yes, you) should follow JM on Twitter, or check out the podcast Rewatchability.

Wampas are a lot more adorable and significantly less murdery as plush toys.

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