He turns the ass grab into a strangely effective wedgie, but he's either too winded from five seconds of ass play or too busy crafting a witticism about crushed rice balls to notice the three-foot-tall French butler dressed like a satanic kabuki baby coming up from behind. James gets whacked on the dome with a trident and is dragged to the next scene. So to sum up, the world's greatest spy went into a battle against an unarmed man, grabbed his butt, and then got one-shotted by his 80-pound friend with no peripheral vision. In what possible situation does he win a fight?

Eon ProductionsBehold, a man who is 1-0 against James Bond.

You can find similar acts of stupidity through most of 007's early years, like the time he had an awkward knife fight against history's least aggressive stabber and exploded him like an over-inflated balloon. Or the time he swung on a vine while howling like Tarzan to "sneak" past a group of hunters.

Eon ProductionsIt didn’t help his escape, but he did get a leech stuck to his nipple. Seriously.

And who can forget the time he stood around awkwardly to let a pair of henchwoman kick his ass while they practiced breakdancing?

Eon ProductionsYou know, between the butt-grabbing and this, maybe these really bad fights are actually a really good fetish thing?

That's when James outright asks whether Carver's broadcasting satellites could "manipulate the course of governments, or people, or even a ship." Everyone immediately IDs him as a secret agent. He might as well have said, "Does anyone here know the evil satellite plan? I'm simply curious as a banker."

Eon Productions“Hi. I'm James Banker, disguised as a Bond. Dammit! I mean, um, MassMurdererSaysWhat?”
“Wha- Dammit! You've won this round, Mr. Banker. Or should I say, Mr. BOND.”

To be a good investigator, you should really know how to investigate things, which is something Bond never got the hang of. He's somewhere between "slow" and "very lucky sleepwalker." To see the worst of his deductive prowess, watch Die Another Day. In it, he takes an unreasonably long time to determine that the mysterious Gustav Graves is the North Korean colonel he fought in the opening sequence. He's unable to deduce the "shocking" twist despite being slapped in the face with evidence, like Gustav's connection to a DNA-altering hospital, the fact that most of his staff consists of the colonel's old buddies, or simply all the weirdly cryptic things he keeps saying. Bond is always 40-50 minutes behind every other character and the entire audience.

Eon ProductionsIf he had a mustache, he’d be twirling the shit out of it.

Then there are the two Bond girls in that film. One openly works for Graves and joined MI6 around the same time Bond suspected there might be a mole in the organization. Surprise! She's a double agent. The other kills a bunch of henchmen in broad daylight, then evades arrest by cliff-diving into a speedboat. Yeah, it turns out she's a spy too, you colossal jackass. For 55 years, Bond has literally never met someone who wasn't a super spy or supervillain, and he's been surprised every single time.

007's brain doesn't even seem to have the same life-preserving reflexes a toddler would have. In Dr. No, he grabs an electrified vent cover in his jail cell, never considering that the super genius holding him prisoner might have booby-trapped the obvious exit. He seems to be very famous, yet his idea of subtle is walking into a casino without a disguise and announcing his real name to everyone. And one time, this crazy fucker dove face-first into a spinning propeller blade on his own accord.

Eon ProductionsHey, 20 years of syphilis and hangovers make people do crazy things.

Despite the huge problems it creates for James, he doesn't do a damn thing to prevent the exploitation of his cranial soft spot. He never asks Q for a pair of mirrored sunglasses, he never thinks to do an occasional spin ... Mr. Kidd and Mr. Wint in Diamonds Are Forever prove that any idiot can take out 007 by badly pretending to not be bad guys and waiting for him to walk right past.

Eon Productions"Hmm … flowers, flowers. Not being evil here. Simply doing flowers."

Eon Productions"Our trick worked!"

Bond had to walk past them, so he knew they were standing there, but for some reason, he didn't bother turning his head before they put a new dent in it with a funeral urn. And if stealth isn't your brand of vodka, not to worry! You can be in his line of sight and walk right up and club him on the head like he's a peaceful islander greeting Christopher Columbus.

Eon Productions"You know what? I am going to start looking behind me from now on. Oh, good. Nothing theAAARRGGGH!"

Eon Productions"Boss, this is Frank. Yeah, there must have been a mix-up. I drive the forklift. I'm not sure I'm comfortable karate-fighting any secret ag- Oh, never mind, I got him."

Eon Productions*play for full effect*

Over the course of his film career, James has been knocked unconscious at least 17 eyeball-dislocating times. Racking up this many concussions isn't something you laugh about over a martini. This type of head trauma leads to slurred speech, loss of cognitive functions, and loss of balance and coordination -- extremely bad symptoms for a super suave spy with access to the world's most advanced weapons. Although honestly, it does explain a few things.

It doesn't go well. Bond is immediately spotted, and a wild chase ensues as Scaramanga playfully screws with him.

Eon Productions"Hey, Thailand guys! I'm James Bond! Which car button does turn around!?"

The villain finally escapes completely by executing a shocking maneuver that Bond can't follow: crossing a bridge.

Eon Productions*sad trombone*

But like in a lot of Bond sequences, James suddenly goes from ridiculously incompetent to outrageously awesome, and regains ground on Scaramanga by corkscrew-jumping the car over a river in arguably one of the sweetest goddamn stunts in movie history. So maybe we can forgive him for being a clown for the first ten minutes of that chase, but it's hard to do that when he does shit like this:

Eon Productions

That's a scene from Goldfinger wherein Bond plows straight into a brick wall after a pair of angry headlights appear in his mirror. HIS MIRROR. The man is so confused by reflections that he takes a hard left turn while speeding down an alley. AN ALLEY. And God forbid Bond has to concentrate on a slowly parachuting assassin and the road:

Eon ProductionsWhat’s worse than a sad trombone? A fart noise? Yeah let’s go with a fart noise.

Normally, we don't see 007 as a terrible driver because he "wins" nearly every chase. But if you stop paying attention right before he slams on the brakes and winks at the camera, you see that everything leading up to that moment is an absolute dumpster fire. If he was a 15-year-old girl with a learner's permit, Bond's driving instructor would call him "The drunkest fucking 15-year-old girl I've ever seen."