Bond Is Dangerously Spiteful Toward People Who Annoy Him
If you happen to trigger Bond's vengeful side by going after his friends or loved ones, be prepared to either be tossed down an industrial chimney or set on fire. And if you rudely mistake him for a hotel valet, he will take time out of bankrupting terrorists to wreck your car. He doesn't care what international crisis is unfolding -- James Bond does not take shit from service workers.
In Die Another Day, James watches a rich asshole pull a gun on a waiter. Later he craters the guy's face and dumps his unconscious (possibly dead) body into a wheelchair. He does all this in full view of a woman who has no reason to believe she isn't witnessing a murder, all because he needs a boarding pass to a private island.
Eon Productions“Let me guess, you’ll stay quiet if we bang.”
“I never said-”
They gave a license to kill to a man with the temperament of a jilted prom date. You don't even have to be a bad person to wind up on Bond's shit list. Just ask the cops from Live And Let Die. 007 burns down a drug lab and goes on a destructive boat chase that attracts a small army of police officers. Without identifying himself as an agent, he leads them all into a massive pileup and vanishes. It's only through blind luck that none of them die. He then doubles back to the cops who were trying to arrest him, but not to make amends or explain the situation. No, he does it to see their humiliated, frustrated faces after they find out he's MI6 and therefore cannot be arrested. Haha, fuck you, workaday civil servants understandably confused by the situation!
Eon Productions“Well not anymore. Now he’s just an agent. And he killed 200 boats!”
So to recap, Bond pulls rank solely to humiliate a bunch of guys he's never met, all because they had the audacity to risk their lives trying to prevent a war between drug dealers and a rampaging lunatic. You really stuck it to those assholes, James!
Due to his lack of a social media presence, very little is known about Quinton Darby. We believe that he is an immortal being who slithers into our dimension with the sole purpose of feeding his insatiable hunger for movies and excreting internet comedy articles for our enjoyment. Perhaps, with time, we can learn more about this mysterious creature.
It's easier to look like a spy than to be one, we guess. Try dressing like one to start.
Support Cracked's journalism with a visit to our Contribution Page. Please and thank you.
For more, check out 22 Unseen Repercussions Of The James Bond Universe and Why Sony Pulling The Plug On 007 Is The Humane Thing To Do.
You have a license ... to follow us on Facebook.