Continue Reading Below

Advertisement

Continue Reading Below

Advertisement

I can't speak to the overall quality of this book, but is has gotten some good reviews. For all I know, this is an excellent book, so I'm only going to comment on the quality of the paragraph of text I have access to, the one that clenched the book's victory in the worst sex scene contest:

"She covers her breasts with her swimsuit. The rest of her remains so delectably exposed. The skin along her arms and shoulders are different shades of tan like water stains in a bathtub. Her face and vagina are competing for my attention, so I glance down at the billiard rack of my penis and testicles."

It's easy to be a critic, and it's hard to write. I certainly haven't written a novel, and I'm sure if I tried to write a sex scene it would come out as something like, "Then he grabbed her boobs and she was all like 'oh yeah baby squeeze my water balloons' and then he was all like 'you're super hot, lady,' and then they did sex."

Continue Reading Below

Advertisement

That being said... "billiard rack of my penis and testicles?" Exactly how many balls does this guy have? I'm not sure any angle at which the male genitalia could be viewed where it would be described as a "billiard rack," sans a horrific STI. I'm also opposed to describing any human as "delectable," unless you're a cannibal.

Continue Reading Below

Advertisement

Although, to be fair, "Her face and vagina are competing for my attention" is a great sentence, if only because it makes me imagine a disembodied face and vagina duking it out. "He's my boyfriend!" the face yells, trying to bat the vagina away with her eyelashes. "No, he's mine!" cries the vagina, flapping angrily in the face's face. I'm also tickled by the idea that this man is so overwhelmed by the choice of whether to stare awkwardly at her face or her vagina, he decides the socially safe thing to do is to stare at his own wiener, resplendent with a multitude of testicles set up in a triangle. I've changed my mind, I disagree with the judges. This sex scene is amazing, and I hope infamous erotic novelist Chuck Tingle (author of Pounded In The Butt By My Own Butt, and Space Raptor Butt Invasion) takes a cue from Bollen and writes a book called, My Billiard Rack Balls Broken By Sexy Space Raptors. Christmas would come early.

Continue Reading Below

Advertisement

You can read Katie's billiard rack and raptor fan fiction on her Twitter.

For more check out What Movie News Should You Know RIGHT NOW (11/26/2017) and What Stupid Thing Is Trending Now? (11/26/2017).

Subscribe to our YouTube channel and check out Why The Right Is So Dishonest About American History - Some News (Thanksgiving, Football), and watch other videos you won't see on the site!

Also follow our Pictofacts Facebook page. You deserve the very best.

To turn on reply notifications, click here

40 Comments

Load Comments

More Articles

5 Screwed-Up Secrets The Ultra-Rich Don't Want You To Know

You don't make astonishing amounts of money without ending up a jerk in some way.

229

5 Incredible Movie Facts (That Are Actually Total BS)

The stories we tell about movies are as important as the movies themselves.

95

5 Crazy Statistics That'll Change How You Think Of Crime

Criminal behavior can be influenced by some very weird, seemingly random factors.

156

5 Billion-Dollar Industries That Treat Workers Like Garbage

Even our most popular forms of entertainment can treat their employees like absolute trash.

248

5 Huge Scandals With Crazy Details The News Barely Mentioned

The news spent weeks reporting on these giant scandals without bothering to mention the stupidest parts.

124

6 Iconic Movies And Shows That Were Outright Ripoffs

Even Hollywood couldn't deny these films were total thievery.

124