The Book That Won The 'Bad Sex In Fiction' Award

The Book That Won The 'Bad Sex In Fiction' Award

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I can't speak to the overall quality of this book, but is has gotten some good reviews. For all I know, this is an excellent book, so I'm only going to comment on the quality of the paragraph of text I have access to, the one that clenched the book's victory in the worst sex scene contest:

"She covers her breasts with her swimsuit. The rest of her remains so delectably exposed. The skin along her arms and shoulders are different shades of tan like water stains in a bathtub. Her face and vagina are competing for my attention, so I glance down at the billiard rack of my penis and testicles."

It's easy to be a critic, and it's hard to write. I certainly haven't written a novel, and I'm sure if I tried to write a sex scene it would come out as something like, "Then he grabbed her boobs and she was all like 'oh yeah baby squeeze my water balloons' and then he was all like 'you're super hot, lady,' and then they did sex."

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That being said... "billiard rack of my penis and testicles?" Exactly how many balls does this guy have? I'm not sure any angle at which the male genitalia could be viewed where it would be described as a "billiard rack," sans a horrific STI. I'm also opposed to describing any human as "delectable," unless you're a cannibal.

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Although, to be fair, "Her face and vagina are competing for my attention" is a great sentence, if only because it makes me imagine a disembodied face and vagina duking it out. "He's my boyfriend!" the face yells, trying to bat the vagina away with her eyelashes. "No, he's mine!" cries the vagina, flapping angrily in the face's face. I'm also tickled by the idea that this man is so overwhelmed by the choice of whether to stare awkwardly at her face or her vagina, he decides the socially safe thing to do is to stare at his own wiener, resplendent with a multitude of testicles set up in a triangle. I've changed my mind, I disagree with the judges. This sex scene is amazing, and I hope infamous erotic novelist Chuck Tingle (author of Pounded In The Butt By My Own Butt, and Space Raptor Butt Invasion) takes a cue from Bollen and writes a book called, My Billiard Rack Balls Broken By Sexy Space Raptors. Christmas would come early.

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You can read Katie's billiard rack and raptor fan fiction on her Twitter.

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