Sorry Katy Perry: Scientists Warn Glitter Is A Global Threat

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I'm going to come out with an incredibly brave take: ban glitter. I'll probably get angry mail for this one. Maybe even a glitter bomb letter, because there's an inexplicable service that allows you to pay $9 for confusing, incredibly petty revenge. But as pretty and fun as glitter is, the manifold dangers it poses to the environment and society can no longer be ignored.

First obviously is the environmental impact. It's a microplastic, like microbeads, which managed to find their way into a third of fish caught in Britain. Fish are getting infected with glam, and I'm no fishologist but that can't be healthy. But let's say you don't care about fish (you monster), glitter has other dangers that impact humans.

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Have you ever gotten glitter in your eye? I have. It feels like sandy fire ants holding a cleated shoe dance-off on your cornea. It's also impossible to get off your skin. You have to use 24-grit sandpaper to get it off, but by that time a billion more particles of glitter have somehow attached themselves to you. They are a shiny cancer. Ask any kindergarten teacher, and they'll tell you that glitter is Satan's dandruff.

So, how do we ban glitter while still also having burlesque shows and trashy raves? Edible glitter. You can even make it yourself, like a bedazzled Walter White. And I'm no doctor, but if it's safe for humans, it's probably safe for fish, right? Best part is, if it gets on you, you can just lick it off! It would make drag shows much more fun.

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