If it weren't for great characters, movies would be dull-as-hell vehicles for charmless husks of human beings -- good for the careers of Mark Wahlberg and Ben Affleck, bad for humanity in general. But like flesh-and-blood people, a lot of our most cherished cinematic heroes have weird, disturbing characteristics we somehow chose to overlook. So in the interest of greater accountability in all levels of Hollywood, let's pull the wool from over our eyes and talk about how messed up it is that ...
As we all remember, the Star Wars saga begins with simple farm boy Luke Skywalker visiting his town's notoriously eccentric recluse, Ben "Totally Not Obi-Wan" Kenobi. Fortunately, what begins not unlike an afterschool special ends up leading to fun, adventure, and the revelation that ghosts are real (which everyone seems surprisingly chill about).
Most of us probably saw Star Wars as kids, but watching it as an adult can be a weird experience. Think about it. We follow a teenager to the home of a strange man, who promptly gives him the gift of a deadly weapon. If you found out that a teenage boy got a handgun from some elderly weirdo on the outskirts of town, you'd call the cops.
Then, moments later, Obi-Wan invites Luke on an overnight trip to a foreign planet without even checking with his legal guardian.
Then Obi-Wan caps off the trifecta of galactic inappropriateness by inviting this kid to a freaking dive bar. Presumably they deleted the scene wherein he buys Luke a carton of death sticks and the latest issue of Hutt-sler.
Now, we can forgive audiences for not thinking this was creepy at the time, either because of Alec Guinness' heartfelt performance or because their brains were so disco-addled that they couldn't think straight. But look at it now in the context of all the Star Wars movies, including the ones that felt like watching inexplicably racist paint drying. In the last of the prequel trilogy, Revenge Of The Sith, we see that Anakin Skywalker has turned so evil that he murders children.
And of course, he does so with the same lightsaber that Obi-Wan later gifts to Luke (while conveniently omitting that detail). It's even worse when you consider Luke's burgeoning powers. We've repeatedly seen that Jedi get Shining-like visions, sometimes from specific objects (and again, that holy crap there is an afterlife). Meaning that the lightsaber might have magically shown Luke all the terrible and cringeworthy things his dad did. Like social media will one day do for our kids.
Aside from the fact that he's happy to wipe out an entire species of happy turtle creatures just to rescue one human princess, Mario always seemed like a good guy. But is that the case? After a series of fun adventures (and one demented fever dream), Mario partnered with new sidekick Yoshi for Super Mario World, thus fulfilling the fantasies of everyone who ever wanted a dinosaur friend and/or to vomit fireballs after a heavy meal.
You may have noticed that when Yoshi extends his Gene-Simmons-like tongue, Mario too makes a motion. He's encouraging his dino buddy, right?
Nope. Recently, two of Super Mario World's developers confirmed what some of us may have feared. Mario's not cheering Yoshi on. He's punching him in the dang head, as if Mario is Russell Crowe and Yoshi is ... pretty much anyone Russell Crowe encounters.
Nintendo developer Shigefumi Hino acknowledged that "lots of people think (...) Mario is pointing his finger forward," but the truth is "the setup that [he] drew was that when Mario punches Yoshi in the head, the character's tongue shoots out in surprise." So the game is less about Yoshi having a badass skill and more about Mario's abuse somehow yielding an accidental superpower. Looking at it in slow motion, there's no denying the truth: Mario is the real monster here, not Bowser.
This paves the way for the inevitable news that the paddles from Pong were made out of human bones, Pac-Man was gobbling up amphetamines, and Sonic the Hedgehog was a Holocaust denier the whole time.
Think back to the original Spider-Man movie series -- the one in which Peter Parker was seemingly a grown man pretending to be in high school for either journalistic or unsavory reasons. In any case, we all know that Peter Parker gets bitten by a genetically re-engineered spider while on a field trip to Columbia University. Since his permission slip was signed, none of the teachers seems to notice or give a crap.
After passing out from a sweat-drenched bout with a sudden fever (which, again, none of the teachers found concerning), Peter wakes up the next day to find out he's suddenly ripped, like if Ferris Bueller spent his day off wolfing down Creatine. Plus, his eyesight is somehow better, suggesting that the spider came back and gave him some kind of arachnid Lasik surgery while he slept.
Then Uncle Ben gets gunned down and Peter becomes Spider-Man to help people, because with great power blah blah blah. He sure sounds like a great chap for risking his life to save others, but let's think about this from a big picture perspective. What would help people more: swinging from buildings and making fun of muggers or, we don't know, telling someone about that magical disease-curing spider?
If that spider bite had the power the repair damaged eyes and restructure Peter's genetic makeup into a 60 percent more Van-Damme-like body, who's to say what else it could do? Could it cure cancer? AIDS? Male pattern baldness? It's certainly worth a shot.
And it's not like the Columbia team will come across this information themselves. The lab isn't testing anything on humans; they're only studying spiders. The researcher specifically mentions that they have 14 more of the same kind of spider. And yet, for some reason, science nerd Peter Parker doesn't mention that he's stumbled on what could be humanity's greatest scientific discovery. But yeah, why cure devastating illnesses when you can fight crazy one-percenters and perform superpowered swing dance routines?
Somehow perverting the story of a dead child who goes on fun adventures, the 1995 movie Casper found its titular phantasm crushing on some teenage girl, with the implication that Casper is trapped forever in a perpetual state of pre-adolescent awkwardness. So at a certain point, having his soul swallowed into Hell would probably be somewhat of a relief.
What we're saying is the movie takes the "friendly" ghost thing way too far, with Casper becoming obsessed with (and practically stalking) a young Christina Ricci. At one point, he lures her onto his bed and fist-pumps like a background character in a teen sex comedy.
Even ignoring the grossness of ectoplasmic arousal, what about the age issue? The movie's a one-sided romance until the end, when Casper takes a Devon-Sawa-like human form and the pair share a kiss. But there's nothing wrong with that -- she's like 14 and he's like 12, right? Think again. Midway through the movie, we see old newspaper headlines announcing Casper's death, and they ... don't look recent.
Later, Casper tells us that his favorite baseball player was Duke Snider of the Brooklyn Dodgers, which is kind of like telling kids today that O.J. Simpson is your favorite comedy actor.
Let's do the math here. Snider played for the Dodgers from 1947 to 1962, but the Brooklyn Dodgers moved to LA in 1957. So let's use the last possible year Snider played for the Brooklyn Dodgers and estimate that Casper was at least five to be old enough to follow baseball. That means that the youngest -- the youngest -- Casper could be in 1995 is 43 years old. He looks small and sounds like a kid, but Casper's still been alive in some capacity for decades.
So really, Casper is the story of a middle-aged man trapped in the body of a ghost child who creeps on teenage girls. Yeah, this might be the most terrifying Halloween movie out there.
There are certainly a lot of memorable moments in The Wizard Of Oz, from Dorothy singing "Somewhere Over The Rainbow," to the Witch melting, to the sequel in which Dorothy is given electroshock therapy so she'll stop insisting the first movie happened. One scene that's clearly not so memorable, because half the internet seems to have forgotten about it, is the one in which the friendly ol' Scarecrow pulls out a handgun.
In the scene where Dorothy and the gang decide to go after the Witch, they appear armed with weapons. The Tin Man has a giant wrench in addition to his ax, the Lion has both a mallet and a butterfly net, and Dorothy ... is apparently going to punch the heck out of anyone who gets in her way. But unlike the comically oversized cartoon weapons his friends have, the Scarecrow is nervously cradling a real gun. This probably wouldn't fly today, which is why none of the Minions ever attempt to wrap up a story by whipping out a Glock.
This brings up so many questions. Where did he get the gun? Did the Wizard give it to him? Was the Scarecrow secretly carrying a gun the whole time? It also implies that Dorothy and the gang's plan was to go shoot the Wicked Witch in the freaking head. So maybe Dorothy shouldn't act so innocent about "accidentally" spilling the lethal bucket of water on the Witch, when clearly they had a much worse fate in mind.
Kids today probably know Indiana Jones as the cranky senior who famously mall-walked his way through a flying saucer, but for a whole generation, he was one of the coolest action heroes out there -- certainly the coolest who was also a professor. Still, there's always been something off about Indy. We've talked in the past about how George Lucas thought it would be funny to make him a child molester, no doubt leading to the inevitable '90s Special Editions in which CGI monsters would have obscured any mentions of Indy's crimes.
While that gross storyline was merely hypothetical, we've also mentioned how early versions of the script showed Indy's boss, Dr. Marcus Brody, catching Indy boning students in his office. He then looks the other way, because why sever your connection for acquiring rare (albeit bloodstained) antiquities?
Well, it turns out that there's still evidence of this inappropriate storyline in the movie. After Marcus makes a deal with the government for Indy to take a Nazi-battling sabbatical, he shows up at Dr. Jones' house. For some reason, Indy is dressed like Hugh Hefner, even though Marcus is still wearing his work clothes. He offers Marcus a glass of champagne, and toasts their search for God's face-melting voodoo box.
What's weird is that Indy doesn't open the champagne for Marcus. He grabs a bottle that's bizarrely open already. What's even more suspicious is the fact there are two glasses out, one of which has champagne in it.
Coupled with the fact that Indy answers the door in an un-cinched robe, the picture becomes clear: He just had sex. And the only female characters we've seen him interact with at all are his students ... who, you might have noticed, are super into him.
The thing with the glasses and the champagne was seemingly left over from that creepy earlier script. Long after Marcus catches Indy with his student, "Susan," he arrives at Dr. Sleazeball's house and the girl is there again, "tidying things up" in the living room. Suggesting that yes, they boinked on a pile of dusty textbooks.
So in a way, all the movie did was remove the part where Susan's still there. Indy's robe and half-drank champagne suggest what we should have known all along: For Dr. Jones, there's always time for love.
Go rewatch all the Indiana Jones movies and tell us you wouldn't have at least thought about boinking Professor Jones.
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