Pepsi. Buddy. Sit down. We need to talk.
Salted caramel flavored cola. Really? This is what you're doing now? I thought that after the whole "Join the Conversation" marketing failure you guys would start to shape up, and to self-introspect. But now you pull this crap? I'm not angry, I'm just, well, concerned.
When I hear someone say, "I'm going to try to market salted caramel flavored cola," I recognize it for what it is: a cry for help. You're having some kind of midlife crisis, and you're floundering for ways to feel young and relevant again. I get it. You're 119 years old, and it really crept up on you. Getting older is rough. In an attempt to salvage your youth, you try extreme things, like buying a car you can't afford, or inventing a disgusting soda flavor. We all go through bouts of insecurity and impulsiveness. But what I need you to do is calm down, and really look inside yourself to see the beautiful, strong, independent, giant multinational food and beverage corporation you truly are.
Listen, you don't need soulless marketing gimmicks to be special. You're already a company that has somehow been able to sell a worse version of Coke, and make billions. That's a huge accomplishment! You need to love yourself for who you are: a company that makes a soda that has an almost appealing flavor, made palatable and addicting by the amount of sugar in each bottle. You don't need a new car, a weird new flavor, or piercings. You're Pepsi, the beloved soda that I reach for whenever there aren't any better options.
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