Pepsi Releases New Salted Caramel Flavor. Uh, You Ok Guys?

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Pepsi. Buddy. Sit down. We need to talk.

Salted caramel flavored cola. Really? This is what you're doing now? I thought that after the whole "Join the Conversation" marketing failure you guys would start to shape up, and to self-introspect. But now you pull this crap? I'm not angry, I'm just, well, concerned.

When I hear someone say, "I'm going to try to market salted caramel flavored cola," I recognize it for what it is: a cry for help. You're having some kind of midlife crisis, and you're floundering for ways to feel young and relevant again. I get it. You're 119 years old, and it really crept up on you. Getting older is rough. In an attempt to salvage your youth, you try extreme things, like buying a car you can't afford, or inventing a disgusting soda flavor. We all go through bouts of insecurity and impulsiveness. But what I need you to do is calm down, and really look inside yourself to see the beautiful, strong, independent, giant multinational food and beverage corporation you truly are.

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Listen, you don't need soulless marketing gimmicks to be special. You're already a company that has somehow been able to sell a worse version of Coke, and make billions. That's a huge accomplishment! You need to love yourself for who you are: a company that makes a soda that has an almost appealing flavor, made palatable and addicting by the amount of sugar in each bottle. You don't need a new car, a weird new flavor, or piercings. You're Pepsi, the beloved soda that I reach for whenever there aren't any better options.

For more check out What's Good OR BAD For You Now? (11/04/2017) and What Stupid Thing Is Trending Now? (11/04/2017).

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