Great news, everybody! Dora the Explorer is getting that gritty, live-action reboot we've all hoped and dreamed for. But since we can't possibly have a little girl star in the film (booo-ring), Dora is now a teenager! And it's being produced by Michael Bay, who really knows a thing or two about strong female leads judging by his Transformers movies. Remember how Megan Fox's character was shown bent over a car while the camera slowly panned up her bare midriff? That's right, she (a woman) was a mechanic! Empowerment!
The Dora the Explorer movie is also being written by Nick Stoller, director of Forgetting Sarah Marshall, Get Him To The Greek, Neighbors and Neighbors 2: Sorority Rising. You know, fun movies with good role models for little girls. But seriously, just because he's directed a bunch of dude-bro movies about bumbling guys in fish-out-of-water situations doesn't mean he can't write a different plot for a movie based on a beloved children's character. After all, the plot of the movie is going to be about how Dora explores the amazon and discovers ancient artifacts and no wait I'm sorry, that's from the show. It's rumored the movie will be about how Dora and her cousin, Diego, move to the big city. Wow, sounds like they aren't in Kansas anymore! Maybe Boots the monkey will show up, only to get crushed by the speeding taxis that are unfamiliar to him. And Swiper the fox will immediately be arrested and brutally beaten by the police. Here's my pitch for a scene:
Dora and Diego are helplessly lost in a series of alleyways.
Dora: Looks like we need a MAP! Can you say MAP?
Diego: Uh, we don't need a map when we have GPS.
Dora: Oh! I guess you're right!
Diego: YOLO fidget spinners!
Dora throws the sentient map in the trash. The map starts to weep.
The trash explodes
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Bawitdaba, pass the green beans.
It's hard out there for millionaire purveyors of garbage pizza.