There's no way that the President of the United States doesn't know he's also the President of the U.S. Virgin Islands. There's no way that Trump, after meeting with the governor of the USVI, actually thought that the Virgin Islands are a country and he was their president, right? Surely not. I won't accept that reality, because it's too terrifying.
Instead, what I choose to believe is that Trump is having an emotional epiphany. Historically, he's been one of the least introspective beings on the planet. The only time he's ever looked inside himself is when he checks his navel for residue. But now perhaps things have changed. He essentially just admitted that he met himself. This is a breakthrough. By speaking about himself in the third person, as the disambiguated "President of the Virgin Islands," maybe he can see himself more objectively. He can admit things such as, "The President of the Virgin Islands is lonely," or, "The President of the Virgin Islands never felt loved by his father," and, "The President of the Virgin Islands hasn't given me a hand job in years."
Let's not shame Trump for his first forays into self-awareness. This is the first step for him to recognize his own flaws. Perhaps we can gently guide him into referring to himself with less disassociation. Have him pull a Bob Dole and refer to himself, like, "Trump feels angry when people say mean things about Trump. It makes Trump want to do explosions." Honestly, introducing more therapeutic tools to the white house will be good for any presidency, such as hand puppets and macaroni art. Maybe we'd get into fewer needless wars if we could give our presidents the chance to refer to themselves in the third person, allowing them the emotional space to admit, "The president feels impotent and wants to fire a missile to make up for my-err, the president's floppy wiener."
Recommended For Your Pleasure
The flow of time is cruel to us all.
- By Mark Hill
- April 12, 2019
Some particularly obsessed fans sacrifice huge amounts of time and effort to come up with answers so we can all sleep a little better at night.
- By Zanandi Botes
- April 09, 2019
Rarely does an Easter egg shatter your hold on reality ... but these just might.
- By Adam Wears
- April 08, 2019
Lots of people forgot these movie moments ... but, like, how?
- By JM McNab
- April 11, 2019