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Don't surprise Nicolas Cage. That means no surprise birthdays, no pranks, no approaching him from behind without announcing yourself with bells. This is a simple rule everyone should know. Just as you wouldn't sneak up on a mother grizzly, you don't want to startled Nicolas Cage by turning him into a corn-based snack food.

"HOW'D I GET CORNED?" Cage likely screamed when he found out. "HOW'D I GET CORNED, HOW'D I GET CORNED?" It takes a team of wranglers to calm Nic Cage down from this state. "Corning me won't bring back your goddamn profits!" he manages to yell out, before being felled by 1,200cc of maximum strength elephant tranquilizer.

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It's not just that this snack food will startle him. It will confuse him as well. If he saw someone eating it, he'd go through a crisis. "THEY'RE EATING ME!" he'll exclaim in panic, as a harried assistant tries to explain it's merely his photo on a package of puffed corn. "AM I CORN?" His assistants will try to explain he isn't, but this is still going to cause Nic weeks of emotional distress.

So guys, the next time you try to use Nic Cage to promote your movie: warn him. Because when Nic Cage becomes startled, it's a matter of national security. We're still cleaning up after the Nic Ramp-cage of '97, we don't have the financial resources to deal with another.

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