A Company Apologized For Unauthorized Nicolastick Snacks

A Company Apologized For Unauthorized Nicolastick Snacks

Continue Reading Below

Advertisement

Continue Reading Below

Advertisement

Don't surprise Nicolas Cage. That means no surprise birthdays, no pranks, no approaching him from behind without announcing yourself with bells. This is a simple rule everyone should know. Just as you wouldn't sneak up on a mother grizzly, you don't want to startled Nicolas Cage by turning him into a corn-based snack food.

"HOW'D I GET CORNED?" Cage likely screamed when he found out. "HOW'D I GET CORNED, HOW'D I GET CORNED?" It takes a team of wranglers to calm Nic Cage down from this state. "Corning me won't bring back your goddamn profits!" he manages to yell out, before being felled by 1,200cc of maximum strength elephant tranquilizer.

Continue Reading Below

Advertisement

It's not just that this snack food will startle him. It will confuse him as well. If he saw someone eating it, he'd go through a crisis. "THEY'RE EATING ME!" he'll exclaim in panic, as a harried assistant tries to explain it's merely his photo on a package of puffed corn. "AM I CORN?" His assistants will try to explain he isn't, but this is still going to cause Nic weeks of emotional distress.

So guys, the next time you try to use Nic Cage to promote your movie: warn him. Because when Nic Cage becomes startled, it's a matter of national security. We're still cleaning up after the Nic Ramp-cage of '97, we don't have the financial resources to deal with another.

To turn on reply notifications, click here

18 Comments

Load Comments

More Articles

5 Weird AF Facts History Class Left Out

There's a whole lot of history out there.

111

5 Deranged Questions That Appeared On Real Tests

Exam season is a stressful time.

147

At Least Your Thanksgiving Wasn't As Bad As Kid Rock's

Bawitdaba, pass the green beans.

2

Papa John's Disgraced Founder Has Gone Full Supervillain

It's hard out there for millionaire purveyors of garbage pizza.

0

5 Priceless Missing Treasures (That Are Waiting To Be Found)

Everyone from Nathan Drake to Benjamin Gates has failed to locate these missing treasures.

66

How 'Star Wars' Tried To Fix Its Most Awkward Moments

For as much as people love them, the 'Star Wars' movies have gotten rather awkward from time to time.

119