5

Jason Momoa Was Hawaii's "Model Of The Year"

For generations, people thought of Aquaman as some weirdo loser whose biggest heroic achievement was waterskiing on goddamn dolphins. But Jason Momoa's Aquaman is here to change that, making him look like the awesome version of Ariel's dad who used to hang out in undersea biker bars and was the last person to see Captain Highliner alive.

Warner Bros. PicturesCorrection: Captain Eyeliner

But while the Dothraki-spewing Momoa has built an entire career out of being the scariest dude in the audition hall, his early work was more about being sweet than salty. We've talked before about how Momoa played Eye Candy #317 on Baywatch, but even before that, he was Hawaii's Model of the Year -- which is a hell of a lot more impressive than being Ohio's Model of the Year. However, this means that there are plenty of photos circulating the internet of the King of the Seven Seas looking like a boy band hunk ...

Jason Momoa

... or enjoying a snow cone with no shirt on (a sensible move, since that blue dye does not wash out) ...

Jason Momoa

4

Margot Robbie Was In Rear Window For Stupid People

Margot Robbie's performance as Harley Quinn in Suicide Squad was easily the best part of any DC movie so far -- though that's not a high bar to clear for any half-decent actor. But before she came to dazzle comic book fans with her tribute to every manic pixie dream girl smooshed into one sociopath ...

Warner Bros. Pictures

... Robbie had to traverse the harsh wild lands of Australian low-budget teen horror.

Robbie got her break back in the homeland with the no-budget I.C.U. -- a horror thriller so well-thought-out that the writers didn't even figure to set it in a hospital. The poster claims that it's "In the tradition of Rear Window and Saw," which is about as impressive as boasting to be "From the people who catered The Blair Witch Project."

Osiris Entertaninment"From the director who Rented Rear Window And Fell Asleep Halfway Through, But Is Pretty Sure He Got The Gist Of It".

3

Ben Affleck Tried To Use Burger King To Get Laid

While people initially balked at his casting, Ben Affleck did fine as the kind of hulking, intimidating Batman you'd get if you were playing Arkham Asylum with some kind of weird Good Will Hunting mod.

Warner Bros. Pictures"I DA FAHKIN' BATMAN!"

2

Henry Cavill Was In The World's Shittiest Little Red Riding Hood Movie

Henry Cavill, the actor playing the new version of Superman, is doing a great job. The British thespian manages to somehow give Kent an "aww shucks" vibe even when he's mostly ravaging cities and breaking dudes' necks in front of small children.

Warner Bros. Pictures"The 'S' stands for snap."

But long before he had the honor of portraying one of America's most beloved mythical heroes, he got a chance to ruin one of Europe's. Seven years before he first donned the blue, he went for red in Red Riding Hood, a 2006 reworking of the classic story still available in all gas station DVD bargain bins. The movie isn't merely bad -- it's balls-out insane. Insane enough to think casting NSYNC's Joey Fatone as the Big Bad Wolf would be a good idea.

7 Arts InternationalYes, that's him fantasizing about Red in a chimichanga.

Cavill plays the dashing Hunter character, whom Little Red Riding Hood (a child) uncomfortably becomes infatuated with, even fantasizing about getting together with him in a godawful '80s karaoke video.

7 Arts International

1

Amy Adams Forces A Woman To Fuck A Horse

Amy Adams plays the newest iteration of iconic comic book character Lois Lane, a reporter so intrepid she will go into the men's bathroom.

Warner Bros. Pictures

Warner Bros. PicturesYeah, no little stick man is getting between her and a Webby Award.

And who better to portray the reporter of steel than Amy Adams, who has built a career out of playing strong, driven women like Amelia Earhart, a Disney princess, or a demented rich girl who makes someone fuck a horse to completion? That's not a typo.

You see, before Adams was a five-time Oscar nominee, she cut her teeth on smaller roles, the most embarrassing of which had to be her part in Cruel Intentions 2, a straight-to-video prequel to the trashy teen drama starring Reese Witherspoon and Buffy. At first a failed TV pilot, producers simply renamed it, filmed a bunch of gratuitous nudity, and shoved the unexpected sequel into video stores, hoping to score big with the sexually frustrated preteens demo.

In the "film," Adams takes over the role of evil seductress Kathryn Merteuil, and if Sarah Michelle Gellar thinks she's too good for your part, you should really fire your agent. And while the original was most famous for a scene in which Gellar and Selma Blair make out in Central Park, the follow-up tried to outdo its predecessor in the most disturbing way possible. In its Central Park scene, Amy Adams in riding gear is teaching equestrianism to a young lady -- and it gets creepy real fast. To teach the girl the basics of staying in the saddle, Adams keeps shouting "Up and down," "Back and forth," and "Faster," to the point where the girl is straight-up cowgirling that horse like she's a frustrated housewife sitting on a faulty washing machine ...

Columbia Tristar Home Video

Columbia Tristar Home Video

Columbia Tristar Home Video

Adams does not break eye contact for a second, guiding her clearly underage pupil to an unexpected finish. At which point the girl tenses up and falls off the horse, blissfully admitting to Adams "Now I know why girls like horses."

Columbia Tristar Home VideoFor fucking. She's talking about fucking horses. Amy Adams taught that girl the fun of fucking horses.

You (yes, you) should follow JM on Twitter, or check out the podcast Rewatchability.

Gal Gadot was also in Fast & Furious, Fast 5, and Fast 6 so it's ... not all bad?

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