6 Justice League Actors (Who Had Hilarious Early Roles)

DC movies have built a reputation for being intensely humorless and dark. The upcoming Justice League team-up seems to carry on in the same emo-tough tradition, resembling what we imagine Criss Angel's birthday parties are like. However, before we all go see talented actors do nothing but scowl so much you'd think they're auditioning for an irritable bowel syndrome infomercial, let's remind ourselves that their careers weren't always so doom and gloom by revisiting some of their early gigs. Bask in all the cringing glory of how ...

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6
Gal Gadot Intentionally Bombed The Miss Universe Competition

Easily the best part of Batman v. Superman (and the only decent female star of a DC movie who won't make you hate tattoos and electric guitars) has to be Gal Gadot's Wonder Woman. She's the Themysciran warrior who battles enemies such as Doomsday, Ares, and (shudder) James Cameron.

I slayed the trolls of myth. You think the trolls of Twitter frighten me?Warner Bros. Pictures"I slayed the trolls of myth. You think the trolls of Twitter frighten me?"

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But before she was Wonder Woman (and right before she had to do her mandatory stint in the Israeli army), Gadot's parents enrolled the then-18-year-old in the Miss Israel competition. Gadot was resistant at first, but figured she'd go along with it for the story. However, against her expectations, Gadot won, which presented her with a whole new problem: She would then have to compete in the Miss Universe competition, which she under no circumstances wanted to do.

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"For an 18-year-old, it looked like too much responsibility," she told Rolling Stone. And we agree; it takes a certain maturity to deal with elaborate gown changes, embarrassing dance routines, and perverted old fucks who like to spy on women undressing. So, like a true teenager, Gadot only saw one way out: by being a complete fuck-up. When it was time to dazzle the judges, she intentionally threw the competition by "pretending not to speak English" and "wearing the wrong clothes."

Showing off a photo of herself losing the Armpit Competition.ABC StudiosShowing off a photo of herself losing the Armpit Competition.

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In the end, she didn't merely lose; she tanked so hard that her parents never dreamed of signing her up for anything ever again. "I victoriously lost," Gadot proudly exclaims. Yeah! That's the Wonder Woman spirit!

5
Jason Momoa Was Hawaii's "Model Of The Year"

For generations, people thought of Aquaman as some weirdo loser whose biggest heroic achievement was waterskiing on goddamn dolphins. But Jason Momoa's Aquaman is here to change that, making him look like the awesome version of Ariel's dad who used to hang out in undersea biker bars and was the last person to see Captain Highliner alive.

Correction: Captain EyelinerWarner Bros. PicturesCorrection: Captain Eyeliner

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But while the Dothraki-spewing Momoa has built an entire career out of being the scariest dude in the audition hall, his early work was more about being sweet than salty. We've talked before about how Momoa played Eye Candy #317 on Baywatch, but even before that, he was Hawaii's Model of the Year -- which is a hell of a lot more impressive than being Ohio's Model of the Year. However, this means that there are plenty of photos circulating the internet of the King of the Seven Seas looking like a boy band hunk ...

6 Justice League Actors (Who Had Hilarious Early Roles)Jason Momoa

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... or enjoying a snow cone with no shirt on (a sensible move, since that blue dye does not wash out) ...

6 Justice League Actors (Who Had Hilarious Early Roles)Jason Momoa

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And we can see why Momoa's was chosen to play an underwater superhero, as he clearly never figured out how shirts work:

King of the seven seas and the six abs.Jason MomoaKing of the seven seas and the six abs.

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We're not sure whether DC's plan is to introduce Aquaman's new superpower of using magic eyes to stare into your soul until you feel like he understands every one of your deepest darkest secrets, or if he's going to stick to ravaging people with his big trident. With Momoa, DC got them a man who can do both.

4
Margot Robbie Was In Rear Window For Stupid People

Margot Robbie's performance as Harley Quinn in Suicide Squad was easily the best part of any DC movie so far -- though that's not a high bar to clear for any half-decent actor. But before she came to dazzle comic book fans with her tribute to every manic pixie dream girl smooshed into one sociopath ...

6 Justice League Actors (Who Had Hilarious Early Roles)Warner Bros. Pictures

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... Robbie had to traverse the harsh wild lands of Australian low-budget teen horror.

Robbie got her break back in the homeland with the no-budget I.C.U. -- a horror thriller so well-thought-out that the writers didn't even figure to set it in a hospital. The poster claims that it's "In the tradition of Rear Window and Saw," which is about as impressive as boasting to be "From the people who catered The Blair Witch Project."

From the director who Rented <i>Rear Window</i> And Fell Asleep Halfway Through, But Is Pretty Sure He Got The Gist Of It.Osiris Entertaninment"From the director who Rented Rear Window And Fell Asleep Halfway Through, But Is Pretty Sure He Got The Gist Of It".

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The plot follows Robbie, her brother, and his idiot friend staying over at their divorced dad's new apartment. He gets called away on police business, leaving Robbie to fend off her brother's buddy, who's such a perv to her that he might as well be writing a piece about her for Vanity Fair.

6 Justice League Actors (Who Had Hilarious Early Roles)Osiris Entertaninment

ICUneedbraces.Osiris Entertaninment"ICUneedbraces."

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Of course, seeing as this is a bad slasher pic, we see plenty of hot young bods before they're riddled with ax wounds. Robbie has to endure plenty of gratuitous shots of her showering, which had to be shot at night because she was still in school.

6 Justice League Actors (Who Had Hilarious Early Roles)Osiris Entertaninment

6 Justice League Actors (Who Had Hilarious Early Roles)Osiris Entertaninment

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As per usual in these kinds of bad horror movies, Robbie has two things to be afraid of: killers and douchebags who creep on her while wearing one of those skeleton sweatshirts that are only really scary if you've ever been assaulted by a Hot Topic clothing rack.

Which in hindsight was perfect preparation for working with Jared Leto on <i>Suicide Squad</i>. Osiris EntertaninmentWhich in hindsight was perfect preparation for working with Jared Leto on Suicide Squad.

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The teen boys keep randomly filming the people across the street. Not surprisingly, their neighbors are doing the typical indoor stuff, like watching TV, having sex, and, of course, conducting cheerleading practice?

S-U-C-K-AND-Y, THIS SCRIPT AIN'T GOT NO ALIBI, IT'S SUCKY! <i>*clap* *clap* *clap*</i>Osiris Entertaninment"S-U-C-K-AND-Y, THIS SCRIPT AIN'T GOT NO ALIBI, IT'S SUCKY!" *clap* *clap* *clap*

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Then the pervy Jimmy Stewarts start suspecting that one of their neighbors is murdering prostitutes.

6 Justice League Actors (Who Had Hilarious Early Roles)Osiris Entertaninment

Of course, their skillful detective work eventually gets them kidnapped by the murderer.

6 Justice League Actors (Who Had Hilarious Early Roles)Osiris Entertaninment

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Then they get rescued by Cop Dad. Plot twist! He then turns the gun on his kids, loudly explaining he was in cahoots with the bad guy.

I love you ... but not as much as killing hookers.Osiris Entertaninment"I love you ... but not as much as killing hookers."

But the twisting hasn't stopped just yet. The dad is then killed by the kid's mom, and it's revealed that she was the one killing prostitutes because ... no wait, what? Was the director bitten by a rabid M. Night Shyamalan?

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3
Ben Affleck Tried To Use Burger King To Get Laid

While people initially balked at his casting, Ben Affleck did fine as the kind of hulking, intimidating Batman you'd get if you were playing Arkham Asylum with some kind of weird Good Will Hunting mod.

I DA FAHKIN' BATMAN!Warner Bros. Pictures"I DA FAHKIN' BATMAN!"

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But before he was the Dark Knight -- hell, before he was even Daredevil, or Gigli -- Affleck paid the rent by delivering Whoppers.

The Oscar winner made his national debut in a Burger King commercial. In the spot, a young and preppy Affleck is driving around town when his phone rings. It's a young lady who's clearly on some kind of tranquilizer asking Burger King to deliver her a Chef Salad. Rather than tell her she A) has the wrong number, or B) has grossly overestimated Burger King's commitment to customer service, he goes along with it. He spots a nearby BK, orders at the drive-thru, and decides to pretend to be Burger King delivery guy, figuring this girl's so divorced from reality that she may sleep with a guy pretending to be the garbage food boy.

Once again, you know it's ridiculous when someone wanting a salad from Burger King isn't the weirdest part. Burger KingOnce again, you know it's ridiculous when someone wanting a salad from Burger King isn't the weirdest part.

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As the food creates a puddle of grease in his passenger seat, Affleck heads to the girl's house, winking at his own reflection like he's the first college bro to ever figure out how to lie his way through a girl's door.

Man, how has no one done this before?! (Because it's illegal.)Burger King"Man, how has no one done this before?!" (Because it's illegal.)

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He arrives at the girl's house, naturally expecting that his delivery will get him all the sex. But as he puts down the Burger King on her porch like the hot bag of dogshit it is, his tragically '80s car phone starts to ring. Rushing back answering like he's expecting a call from the oncologist, it turns out to be his stupid cock-blocking dad.

Oh, where's the delivery boy I was totally not going to fuck because real life is not a goddamn porn plot.Burger King"Oh, where's the delivery boy I was totally not going to fuck because real life is not a goddamn porn plot."

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Unfortunately, seeing as how he's now a full 12 feet away from the beautiful girl he tricked into telling him where she lives, it suddenly isn't worth the hassle anymore.

Nah, it's cool. I'll remember her address. I always remember ...Burger King"Nah, it's cool. I'll remember her address. I always remember ..."

The ad's tagline is "Sometimes You've Gotta Break the Rules" -- which might as well be emblazoned on the date rapist coat of arms. The only plus to come out of this godawful ad is the time Affleck was forced to watch it on Good Morning America:

Presumably because Michael Strahan is a vampire who feeds on celebrity discomfort.ABC NewsPresumably because Michael Strahan is a vampire who feeds on celebrity discomfort.

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2
Henry Cavill Was In The World's Shittiest Little Red Riding Hood Movie

Henry Cavill, the actor playing the new version of Superman, is doing a great job. The British thespian manages to somehow give Kent an "aww shucks" vibe even when he's mostly ravaging cities and breaking dudes' necks in front of small children.

The 'S' stands for snap.Warner Bros. Pictures"The 'S' stands for snap."

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But long before he had the honor of portraying one of America's most beloved mythical heroes, he got a chance to ruin one of Europe's. Seven years before he first donned the blue, he went for red in Red Riding Hood, a 2006 reworking of the classic story still available in all gas station DVD bargain bins. The movie isn't merely bad -- it's balls-out insane. Insane enough to think casting NSYNC's Joey Fatone as the Big Bad Wolf would be a good idea.

Yes, that's him fantasizing about Red in a chimichanga.  7 Arts InternationalYes, that's him fantasizing about Red in a chimichanga.

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Cavill plays the dashing Hunter character, whom Little Red Riding Hood (a child) uncomfortably becomes infatuated with, even fantasizing about getting together with him in a godawful '80s karaoke video.

6 Justice League Actors (Who Had Hilarious Early Roles)7 Arts International

All of this builds to a scene wherein Future Superman guns down Furry Joey Fatone.

6 Justice League Actors (Who Had Hilarious Early Roles)7 Arts International

6 Justice League Actors (Who Had Hilarious Early Roles)7 Arts International

Bye, Bye, Bye, bitch.7 Arts International"Bye, Bye, Bye, bitch."

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At the end, it's revealed to all have been a bedtime story in the "real" world, with Red Riding Hood being told the story of Supes v. NSYNC by her grandmother. Then, in a surprise twist, Cavill shows up as a pizza delivery guy dressed like a fry cook from the 1950s, because this film takes place in all decades simultaneously.

6 Justice League Actors (Who Had Hilarious Early Roles)7 Arts International

Oh, I'm not really a delivery guy. You just got Affleck'd, babe.7 Arts International"Oh, I'm not really a delivery guy. You just got Affleck'd, babe."

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After all this, it's incredible that Cavill didn't quit acting to dedicate himself to eradicating the memory of this madness from every crevice of his consciousness.

1
Amy Adams Forces A Woman To Fuck A Horse

Amy Adams plays the newest iteration of iconic comic book character Lois Lane, a reporter so intrepid she will go into the men's bathroom.

6 Justice League Actors (Who Had Hilarious Early Roles)Warner Bros. Pictures

Yeah, no little stick man is getting between her and a Webby Award.Warner Bros. PicturesYeah, no little stick man is getting between her and a Webby Award.

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And who better to portray the reporter of steel than Amy Adams, who has built a career out of playing strong, driven women like Amelia Earhart, a Disney princess, or a demented rich girl who makes someone fuck a horse to completion? That's not a typo.

You see, before Adams was a five-time Oscar nominee, she cut her teeth on smaller roles, the most embarrassing of which had to be her part in Cruel Intentions 2, a straight-to-video prequel to the trashy teen drama starring Reese Witherspoon and Buffy. At first a failed TV pilot, producers simply renamed it, filmed a bunch of gratuitous nudity, and shoved the unexpected sequel into video stores, hoping to score big with the sexually frustrated preteens demo.

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In the "film," Adams takes over the role of evil seductress Kathryn Merteuil, and if Sarah Michelle Gellar thinks she's too good for your part, you should really fire your agent. And while the original was most famous for a scene in which Gellar and Selma Blair make out in Central Park, the follow-up tried to outdo its predecessor in the most disturbing way possible. In its Central Park scene, Amy Adams in riding gear is teaching equestrianism to a young lady -- and it gets creepy real fast. To teach the girl the basics of staying in the saddle, Adams keeps shouting "Up and down," "Back and forth," and "Faster," to the point where the girl is straight-up cowgirling that horse like she's a frustrated housewife sitting on a faulty washing machine ...

6 Justice League Actors (Who Had Hilarious Early Roles)Columbia Tristar Home Video

6 Justice League Actors (Who Had Hilarious Early Roles)Columbia Tristar Home Video

6 Justice League Actors (Who Had Hilarious Early Roles)Columbia Tristar Home Video

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Adams does not break eye contact for a second, guiding her clearly underage pupil to an unexpected finish. At which point the girl tenses up and falls off the horse, blissfully admitting to Adams "Now I know why girls like horses."

For fucking. She's talking about fucking horses. Amy Adams taught that girl the fun of fucking horses.Columbia Tristar Home VideoFor fucking. She's talking about fucking horses. Amy Adams taught that girl the fun of fucking horses.

You (yes, you) should follow JM on Twitter, or check out the podcast Rewatchability.

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Gal Gadot was also in Fast & Furious, Fast 5, and Fast 6 so it's ... not all bad?

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Angels are real, and they are bad frickin' news. Robert Brockway's Vicious Circuit series is a punk rock, dark fantasy full of horror and humor. Check out the first two books, and pre-order the third, Kill All Angels, available December 26th.

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