4

The Makers Of Dead Or Alive Also Made "Strawberry Porno"

Koei Tecmo is the company behind Ninja Gaiden, Dynasty Warriors, and the fighting-turned-volleyball franchise built around a middle-school notion of how boobs work, Dead Or Alive. Koei also created a 1984 game called Do Dutch Wives Dream Of Electric Eels?, which, as you've no doubt already guessed, is a Philip K. Dick porn parody.

3

Sega Made A Strangely Whimsical Game About Groping

Sega is the video game version of your sad uncle who endlessly reminisces about his high school glory days, even though he's now wildly out of shape and traded his Trans-Am for a used Windstar. Also like your uncle, Sega has a strange sense of how romance works. Enter Feel The Magic: XY/XX for the Nintendo DS, also known in Europe by the somehow even more off-putting name Project Rub.

Feel The Magic is about a young man trying to win the affections of a beautiful girl by playing silly minigames to get her attention. Oh, and he's assisted by a group of men wearing bunny ears, making this the first Furry Pick-Up Artist Training Manual Simulator.

SegaDating tip: If she doesn't know how to bathe herself, you can do better.

Everything in the game is accomplished by rubbing the DS touchscreen, which soon takes on unfortunate implications. At one point, your sweetheart gets dirty, and it's up to you to, uh ... rub her until she's clean, all while she blushes and moans.

SegaShe sure looks thrilled to be receiving your affections!

2

Enix Made An Erotic Catgirl Adventure

Before merging Voltron-style with Square into a multi-billion-dollar megacorporation, the Enix part of Square Enix made El Dorado Denki, an epic yarn full of adventure and romance in mystical lands. As the name implies, you must find El Dorado, a fantastical place which happens to contain childlike catgirls who enjoy splashing around in the nude.

Square EnixSo, basically Avatar?

Your ultimate goal is to find a golden statue, the whereabouts of which are obviously coded into tattoos on the chests and butts of the "Amazonekos." It's the most contrived and ridiculous cryptography method this side of a Dan Brown novel.

Square EnixYou can practically see Tom Hanks in the Louvre, thoughtfully looking at a giant ass.

Depending on your taste, you'll either be relieved or disappointed to learn that you don't sleep with any of the catgirls. But they do get stripped down and tied up on a regular basis, while you solve boring puzzles and contend with the 1985 game's ancient and tedious interface to witness it. One day, when future civilizations have mastered VR sex, this game will undoubtedly be part of a museum exhibit on how perverts from the distant past spent their lonely nights.

1

Activision Made A Surreal, Terrible Fighting Game Called Tongue Of The Fatman

Back before they became one of gaming's supervillains, Activision created classics like Pitfall. They also created games based entirely on the visions employees experienced while staring into a dumpster dosed up on acid. We're talking, of course, about Tongue Of The Fatman.

ActivisionThere ... there's a lot to unpack here.

In this game, you must do combat for the enjoyment of Mondu, master of an intergalactic fighting pit and an obese tongue owner. You begin by choosing from a variety of equally exotic characters, like a walking shark, a furry potato, Red Square Man, a grumpy swollen testicle, or a black woman. But don't stress about your choice too much, because in Mondu's world, there is no glory -- only death.

ActivisionIt's good to see diversity in video games.

The gameplay is simple, because nothing works. The hit detection is broken, the health system is inscrutable, the physics obey no known laws of nature or God, only Mondu, and every character plays more or less the same, which is to say they control like a dying animal. If you have literally nothing better to do with your life than throw yourself into a virtual meat grinder over and over again, you may get to fight the Fatman and discover the secret of his tongue.

ActivisionSpoilers: It’s not worth it.

Activision created the virtual equivalent of a Buddhist hell, wherein you endure endless, futile, and pointless pain until you finally learn that your greatest mistake was an attachment to the struggle to begin with. The company is now worth $17.4 billion.

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