5 Beyond-Insane Video Games From Otherwise Normal Companies

The final chapter sees you hopping into a donkey owned by the original power couple, Joseph and Mary. You witness the birth of Jesus ... whom you then have to defeat, because the Devil has possessed him and is going to alter history to cause a nuclear apocalypse. Why yes, Baby Jesus does appear to summon the tortured souls of the damned during your encounter. How did you guess?

NintendoCan Baby Jesus create a video game so heretical that he himself is damned?

The whole game is like a rage resignation from a disgruntled Nintendo employee who wanted to break every rule the company had simultaneously. Shockingly, Nintendo refuses to acknowledge the game today. Which is a shame, because Lynched Child Slave George and Evil Devil Baby Jesus would really spice up the next Super Smash Bros.

Yes, the title is a play on the book that inspired Blade Runner. "Dutch Wife" is slang for a sex doll, and an electric eel is ... a penis substitute? Don't worry about it, it's not the only thing about the game that doesn't make sense. The main character is a private investigator tasked with tracking down rogue sex dolls that are advanced enough to pass as real women. Naturally, the only way to tell a human from a sex replicant (sexlicant?) is to bone them.

Koei Tecmo"Of course we’re against rape, but who can be against 'Fuck Mode'?"

And so you wander a Tokyo red light district, dropping into restaurants and sex shops, fighting cops and gangsters, and hitting on every woman with a pulse. In doing so, you'll routinely enter "Fuck Mode," in which you need to avoid prematurely ejaculating, or else you'll get robbed by the disappointed woman. One of the men who created this game is now worth $780 million.

Koei TecmoEven though he clearly has no idea how human legs work.

That's just one entry in Koei's "Strawberry Porno" series, which also includes Night Life, which was marketed as a tool to help couples' intimacy via poorly rendered "sexy" pictures. The game asks you questions like "When did you fuck for the last time?" and "How bright is the place you want to fuck?" before recommending some positions that would allow for maximum fuckability.

Then there's Housewife Temptation, in which you play as a door-to-door salesman trying to bang every woman in an apartment complex while also fighting off gangsters and, uh, ghosts. Finally, there was My Lolita which ... oh, christ. It's a "medical simulator" where you have to take a patient's temperature, draw a blood sample from them, etc. The patient just happens to be a little girl. Whom you strip naked.

Koei TecmoCensored to save you ending up on an FBI watchlist.

We never thought we'd say this, but holy shit, Koei, please continue to show the subtlety and restraint on display in the Dead Or Alive series.

Feel The Magic is about a young man trying to win the affections of a beautiful girl by playing silly minigames to get her attention. Oh, and he's assisted by a group of men wearing bunny ears, making this the first Furry Pick-Up Artist Training Manual Simulator.

SegaDating tip: If she doesn't know how to bathe herself, you can do better.

Everything in the game is accomplished by rubbing the DS touchscreen, which soon takes on unfortunate implications. At one point, your sweetheart gets dirty, and it's up to you to, uh ... rub her until she's clean, all while she blushes and moans.

SegaShe sure looks thrilled to be receiving your affections!

After one date, which features everything from unicycles to antlions, you finally get to unbutton her dress. According to walkthroughs, this is "the most erotic love scene of Feel The Magic: XY/XX." According to us, it's simply the scene most likely to get you judgmental stares while playing in public.

SegaTry to control yourselves, readers!

In the game's finale, you save your love interest's life by performing mouth-to-mouth, which is accomplished by breathing into the DS microphone, in case you weren't already breathing heavily. Or perhaps "wheezing lustily" would be more apt.

Congress held a hearing over a video game boob in 2004, but somehow they overlooked this." width="233" height="350" class="lazy" data-src="https://s3.crackedcdn.com/phpimages/article/7/7/6/640776_v2.jpg" />SegaCongress held a hearing over a video game boob in 2004, but somehow they overlooked this.

The craziest part? Somehow it was successful enough to spawn another game, The Rub Rabbits, which mocks you for playing it.

SegaTIP: Try going home and masturbating in private!

Your ultimate goal is to find a golden statue, the whereabouts of which are obviously coded into tattoos on the chests and butts of the "Amazonekos." It's the most contrived and ridiculous cryptography method this side of a Dan Brown novel.

Square EnixYou can practically see Tom Hanks in the Louvre, thoughtfully looking at a giant ass.

Depending on your taste, you'll either be relieved or disappointed to learn that you don't sleep with any of the catgirls. But they do get stripped down and tied up on a regular basis, while you solve boring puzzles and contend with the 1985 game's ancient and tedious interface to witness it. One day, when future civilizations have mastered VR sex, this game will undoubtedly be part of a museum exhibit on how perverts from the distant past spent their lonely nights.

In this game, you must do combat for the enjoyment of Mondu, master of an intergalactic fighting pit and an obese tongue owner. You begin by choosing from a variety of equally exotic characters, like a walking shark, a furry potato, Red Square Man, a grumpy swollen testicle, or a black woman. But don't stress about your choice too much, because in Mondu's world, there is no glory -- only death.

ActivisionIt's good to see diversity in video games.

The gameplay is simple, because nothing works. The hit detection is broken, the health system is inscrutable, the physics obey no known laws of nature or God, only Mondu, and every character plays more or less the same, which is to say they control like a dying animal. If you have literally nothing better to do with your life than throw yourself into a virtual meat grinder over and over again, you may get to fight the Fatman and discover the secret of his tongue.

ActivisionSpoilers: It’s not worth it.

Activision created the virtual equivalent of a Buddhist hell, wherein you endure endless, futile, and pointless pain until you finally learn that your greatest mistake was an attachment to the struggle to begin with. The company is now worth $17.4 billion.

Relive the pixelated days seen in Stranger Things with a complete Atari system including wood paneling and over a hundred games.

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