Sick burns are not confined to the realms of skate parks and unsupervised kitchens. The internet has made it possible for anyone to slam a hated foe or rando with an incorrect opinion on the other side of the world. Weirdly, some of the people most adept at this sacred rite are celebrities. Consider these famous roast machines ...
Back in 2003, director Vincent Gallo decided to make a movie about a motorcycle racer on the run from his demons and called it The Brown Bunny. You probably haven't seen it, and we're comfortable spoiling it because you're also probably not going to watch it. There's an awful lot of rape, and everything in it was a dream, and it is a terrible movie, and you're welcome.
Predictably, the film's debut at the Cannes Film Festival visibly shook its audience. Critic Roger Ebert was in attendance, and would later report that Gallo himself apologized to journalists for putting them through the mess. But Gallo denied this, and later said: "I never apologized for anything in my life. I like the movie. I had 100% creative and financial control over it, and if I didn't like it, I would have changed it ... The only thing I am sorry about is putting a curse on Roger Ebert's colon. If a fat pig like Roger Ebert doesn't like my movie then I'm sorry for him."
Ebert -- who, to be fair, probably did devastate a few buffets in his time -- didn't take that kindly. Moreover, as a man with intimate familiarity with his own colon, he had a perfect angle for a response: "Gallo has put the heebie-jeebie on my colon and prostate. I am not too worried. I had a colonoscopy once, and they let me watch it on TV. It was more entertaining than The Brown Bunny."
Lovely! And this isn't just a series of jokes about poop-chutes (you can get those in any other Cracked article). No, something inspiring happened next! Gallo reconsidered his stance and made substantial edits to the movie. And Ebert re-reviewed it, and gave the new version a thumbs-up. It's nice when things work out in the end, unlike most journeys involving the haunted passage that was Roger Ebert's colon.
Chris Evans, star of Captain America and possibly some of your dreams, is known for being handsome and outspoken on Twitter, often at the same time. He's generally an advocate for progressive issues, and earlier this year, he was pretty upset about the pending confirmation of former Alabama Senator Jefferson Beauregard Sessions III -- yes, apparently there have been three of them -- to the position of attorney general. You see, during his confirmation, Ol' JeffBo had to defend himself against some pretty serious charges of racism -- a process made somewhat stickier by a former Grand Wizard of the KKK, David Duke, publicly advocating for him. Evans wasn't pleased by this particular development:
Duke, a man who dreams of a world without hot sauce every day, was quick to dismiss Evans as nothing but an actor:
Evans wasn't having it:
Although the burn itself is only a "zesty" on the heat meter, the real impressive thing here is that Evans crossed swords with the KKK, which is apparently a thing we need heroes to do for us now. Also, there was genius in using that particular embedded link, which made it crystal clear that a man who looks like a physical god is arguing with a pink, weasel-nosed demon with hair borrowed from at least two different people. There's no coming back from that.
You probably wouldn't think a confrontation between homemaking icon Martha Stewart and professional aloof person Gwyneth Paltrow would be anything approaching entertaining, but much to our delight, you would be wrong. Dead wrong.
It started when Stewart said of Paltrow in an interview: "She's a movie star. If she were confident in her acting, she wouldn't be trying to be Martha Stewart." This was a dig on Paltrow's hilariously overpriced lifestyle website, Goop. Stewart went on in another interview to say: "She's a charming, pretty person who has a feeling for lifestyle. She wants to be a lifestyle arbiter. Fine. Good. I think I started this whole category of lifestyle."
OK, nice start. Pretty clear Stewart feels a little competitive toward Paltrow, what else you got? Well, Paltrow, to her credit, tried to downplay this confrontation and said she was flattered that Stewart considered her competition. But Stewart would not let the fuck up, possibly understanding the importance of establishing the dominant position from her time in prison. She next took a stab at Paltrow's divorce from Chris Martin, which she famously referred to as a "conscious uncoupling." Stewart put a Thanksgiving spread in her magazine and called the feature "Conscious Coupling." It was nominally about pie flavors that go well together, but with the highlighted language about the "perfect marriage," it's hard not to see it as a further dig at Gwyn's divorce.
Side note: The pie genuinely did look amazing.
Martha Stewart Living
Finally, Paltrow decided enough was enough. One month later, she published a recipe for "Jailbird Cake," a not-too-thinly-veiled reference to Stewart's time in prison for insider trading, and it looked even more delicious.
And then Stewart responded with ... radio silence. Game recognize game, apparently.
Piers Morgan is not a likable guy. In fact, not liking him may be the core part of the Piers Morgan Experience. One of his more famous dislikers is Harry Potter creator J.K. Rowling, who earlier this year expressed delight on Twitter at seeing him get told to fuck off on live TV. Morgan responded as childishly as we'd come to expect, claiming he'd never read a single word of Harry Potter. So Rowling lit into him again:
But that's normal Twitter bickering -- all in a day's work for a woman who's written more words than most people can count. Where it gets really fun is a few days later, when Rowling baited Morgan like a master fisher. She shared a shining review of herself which someone had supposedly sent her:
For those unfamiliar with the Twitter interface, a couple key points here: She posted this to her own feed, with no tags, no response to Morgan's tweet, nothing to involve the dude at all. But Morgan saw it, which meant he was looking for it. Predictably, he dismissed the tweet, calling it a humblebrag, which it was. But in doing so, he had no idea what he was walking into.
You see, this review was from a list Morgan wrote himself. Mr. "I hate The Harry Potter Lady" had at some point found the time to pen an extremely glowing write-up of her, and plain forgot about it when his fur got up, as if he was hit by an extremely childish memory charm. Rowling had made him look like a fool, which can't happen to him more than seven or eight times a day.
Rihanna is a fantastic celebrity. She makes amazing music, loves interacting with her fans, and dazzled word scientists everywhere by discovering several extra syllables in the word "umbrella." Her biggest legacy, however, may be the scorched earth she's left behind on Twitter.
Take the time some members of TLC wagged their fingers at her for an outfit they thought was too revealing. Rihanna responded by digging up a pretty damned revealing photo of them, and then making it her Twitter cover photo:
TLC wisely chose not to escalate the confrontation, because who knows what other photos Rhianna might have. T-Boz chasing or even catching a waterfall? The ignominy.
Even fans aren't safe. One adoring follower tried to copy one of Rihanna's dresses, and posted a picture of it on Instagram. RiRi was standing at the ready to roast her.
Neither is the media. Here's MTV criticizing her for rolling a joint on her bodyguard's head, along with Rhianna's response:
Similarly, when some garbage TMZ knockoff called Celebuzz had the gall to criticize Rihanna's outfit, they found themselves incinerated shortly after:
Isaac is on Twitter and hates confrontation.
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Instagram influencers are often absurd.
Well, this is terrifying.