6 Famous Tech Gurus And Their Less-Known Crazy Habits

At least the CEO of Twitter and enabler of dangerously mouthy world leaders Jack Dorsey waits until you're in the door to unleash weird expeditions on his workforce. In his other company, Square, Dorsey rounds up all the new employees every Friday and drives them like cattle down to the statue of Gandhi outside San Francisco's Ferry Building. Then, like a low-rent Aristotle, he walks them through all of San Francisco's most important districts while he explains his "Four Corners of Square" philosophy. Both he and Zuckerberg keep these practices hidden from anyone not working for them. If you're only comfortable talking honestly to people who've signed an NDA, you might be a crazed tech billionaire.

He claims to have developed this habit when he first began building a house, which is interesting, as we'd figure him to be more of a brick-breaker than bricklayer. He's so devoted to his measuring craft that Jimmy Fallon made an entire game out of it when he was on his show:

Nevertheless, he still managed to drum up support for it in Silicon Valley -- enough that earlier this year, they convinced the French Polynesian government to start letting them build their own floating city out there. Because it isn't a proper libertarian utopia unless you include some third-world country weak enough to bully with your money.

But tax evasions aren't the only laws Thiel wants to get rid of. He also wants to undo the laws of nature and time themselves. Thiel is a big fan of eternal life -- his own, more specifically. His current goal is to live to be at least 120 years old, and to achieve that, he's been putting a lot of crazy stuff in himself. Thiel has openly admitted that he's experimenting with small doses of Human Growth Hormone, which you probably know best as that substance banned by Major League Baseball and that thing that got Lance Armstrong in trouble. But bulking up on weird hormones is nothing compared to his other life hack: parabiosis, a process which entails Thiel injecting himself with the blood of a much younger person. Drinking blood, defying nature, building his own nation free from the laws of man ... has anyone ever seen Thiel walk into a church without catching fire?

Ma has a tendency to derail his own company conferences with elaborate entrances. And when we say "elaborate," we mean "headlining at Madison Square Garden" elaborate. Our favorite has to be when Ma, at his company's 18th birthday party, arrived on stage performing a Michael Jackson tribute act -- Ma-chael Jackson, if you're nasty. During the performance, a masked Ma-chael rode out on a motorcycle, and as "Billie Jean" pumped out of the speakers, Ma-chael started to hip-thrust to no audible beat. If you can't see the glorious video of his performance, imagine if that afternoon you spent trying to learn how to moonwalk had been directed and produced by Michael Bay.

Eventually, after dancing like a shop teacher chaperoning junior prom, the MAsked MAn was revealed to be Ma, and some weird boxes popped out on stage to reveal a slew of Alibaba employees dressed like goth marionettes, who then started marching to the beat of "Black Or White." It might not be a great message to send, having your employees literally dance to the tune of your madness while dressed as terrified puppets, but we're pretty sure Ma gave more thought to that skit than anything else in the entire fiscal year.

Ma's Michael Jackson tribute wasn't the first of his community theater antics. In 2009, at a conference hosting more than 1,600 people, he busted a rendition of "Can You Feel The Love Tonight" while wearing a Mohawk, black lipstick, and a fake nose ring -- something that really needs to be seen to be believed.

One attendee later recalled that "people outside of the company thought he was crazy. But those of us inside the company knew better." They knew better than to call a billionaire who has thousands of unmarked shipping containers and a flair for the dramatic "crazy," we assume.

And speaking of sexual harassment; let's talk about Uber.

In 2017, Uber was hit by a torrent of claims of poor treatment of women, and that's putting things lightly. Proving that trickle-down economics do work for bastard behavior, the accusations started up top with (now-former) CEO Travis Kalanick. Back in 2013, Uber was celebrating its launch in Miami, Florida -- a city where it's considered weird to not snort cocaine off of someone's genitals on a Friday night. In order to keep things nice and PG, Kalanick reasoned that it might be a good idea to let his employees know that there would be some boundaries. He told them:

You better read this or I'll kick your ass.

Strong start, threatening physical harm against your employees. Guess someone's serious about sexual etiquette.

Do not have sex with another employee UNLESS a) you have asked that person for that privilege and they have responded with an emphatic 'YES! I will have sex with you'

OK, so far so good, if you if ignore the whole "my Roman orgy, my rules" vibe. But Kalanick's not finished.

AND b) the two (or more) of you do not work in the same chain of command. Yes, that means that Travis will be celibate on this trip. #CEOLife #FML.

There's a lot to unpack there. How many company threesomes does Kalanick think are happening in Accounting? Is he referring to himself in the third person, like a sex-obsessed Elmo? And did he really describe his frustration about not getting to bang his own employees in hashtags? No wonder women don't feel safe in his cars.

While a sound businessman behind boardroom doors, in public, Ballmer cultivated a reputation for playing the wacky sidekick to Bill Gates' "so straight I can't dance" straight guy. We can see why.

The pair also made a ton of silly company memos together, several of which have been "leaked" for the internet to enjoy -- including bad SNL spoofs, sketches rejected from local middle school talent shows, and this always-fresh take on Austin Powers:

The downside of being the richest man on Earth is that no one feels comfortable slapping the bad ideas out of you anymore.

Isaac would happily sell his blood to Peter Thiel if it meant paying off his student loans faster. Follow him on Twitter.

Friendly reminder that Austin Powers was a whole beautiful trilogy you should watch now.

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