We get it. You'd rather chew your own foot off than check the news right now. No reasonable person can keep up with all the headlines without flying into a rage, so we have taken it upon ourselves to quickly summarize the most important and/or ridiculous news stories from the last week (or so).

PRESIDENT TRUMP MADE NUMEROUS CONTROVERSIALI REMARKS ABOUT THE VIOLENCE IN CHARLOTTESVILLE DURING A PRESS CONFERENCE. In the bizarre exchange, Trump d

Thieves in Germany made off with TWENTY TONS of nutella la nutella nutella nutellanutella nutelk nutella nute Unknown suspects heisted a trailer conta

EMMA STONE HAS SURPASSED JENNIFER LAWRENCE AS THE WORLD'S HIGHEST-PAID ACTRESS. Stone's $26 million in earnings this year were been driven largely by

SPANISH AUTHORITIES HAVE DISMANTLED THE CELL BEHIND THE BARCELONA TERROR ATTACKS. Thirteen people were killed when a truck was driven through a crowd

LIONSGATE is planning a theme park in south Korea with attractions based on seven of its movie franchises, including twilight NOW YOU SEEME SEEME and

MUDSLIDES AND FLASH FLOODS IN SIERRA LEONE CLAIMED MORE THAN 500 LIVES. The deadliest mudslide occurred on the outskirts of the capital, where a heavi

BILLY ELLIOT DIRECTOR STEPHEN DALDRY IS REPORTEDLY IN TALKS TO HELM A STAND-ALONE OBI-WAN FILM. MEOA Sources said Lucasfilm has been in early discussi

GODADDY AND GOOGLE HAVE CANCELED THE REGISTRATION OF THE NEO-NAZI WEBSITE DAILY STORMER. After GoDaddy booted Daily Stormer from their servers, the Ne

TAYLOR SWIFT HAS WON HER ASSAULT AND BATTERY TRIAL. BREAKING NEWS TAYLOR SWIFT TAKES THE STAND IN GROPING TRIAL Swift sued the accused groper, a DJ na

FOUR HAVE BEEN ARRESTED FOR THE HBO HACKS. Following the leak of the fourth episode of Game of Thrones, four individuals in India have been arrested.

SAMUEL L. JACHSON revealed that he AVENNGERS will not appear in INFINITY WAR or the untitled Avengers 4 film. Despite the absence, the actor has repor

STEPHEN BANNON HAS BEEN OUSTED AS WHITE HOUSE CHIEF STRATEGIST. The White House press secretary stated the decision was mutual, but sources told news

A STUNTWOMAN DIED IN A MOTORCYCLE ACCIDENT ON THE SET OF DEADPOOL 2. The professional driver was killed in a stunt involving a motorcycle. She is repo

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