"Stay calm, cows. This will all be over in a ... however long cows normally live."
Even small family farms have similar equipment, and that's not the only way the dairy life can look more sci-fi than pastoral. For example, sometimes when a veterinarian shows up to check on the herd, they arrive looking like the damned Cattle Terminator:
Annie Ropeik/Indiana Public Broadcasting
"Where is Sarah COWner?"
The cyborg headgear up there is part of an ultrasound imaging system, which mitigates the need to go shoulder-deep into unsuspecting bovines, thus saving time, money, and stress on the animal. And presumably the shoulder. And if that wasn't enough (it is), the company that sells these things also claims that the gear "can make even overworked dairy farmers smile." Again, because they're not engulfed up to the shoulder in cow asshole.
One additional bonus: With large-animal vets in short supply and high demand, the prospect of getting to strut around like Johnny Mnemonic in hip waders might attract more people to the profession. You will still have to go shoulder-deep on a cow on occasion, though, so heads up.
The Super Bowl Sniper's Nest Has The Best View Of The Game
What do the Super Bowl and the Korean DMZ have in common? Both places provide visitors with an abnormally high probability of having the crosshairs of a high-powered sniper rifle centered on their face. Yes, in addition to the hot dog vendors and jersey peddlers, it seems the NFL also includes the job title of "professional sniper" on the payroll.
For those occasions when deflating balls isn't enough.
Rowdy drunks probably don't have too much to worry about here; no one's getting shot center-mass for spilling their nachos down someone's back. The snipers almost certainly won't be called into action for anything less than a terror attack or another imminent Patriots win. (The drunks actually have something worse to fear: another behind-the-scenes gem called football jail.)
Admittedly the cleanest place to pee in the entire stadium.
But yes, snipers. Forget your end zone, 50-yard line, or skybox tickets; the best seat in the house goes to a SWAT team member from the local PD. Which is probably the case at a lot more than just the Super Bowl. It's a sad fact of life now that any event with this many people at it probably has some kind of security presence like this looming over it.
That said, when everything looks safe, there's always the option to load the rifles with tiny T-shirts.
E. Reid Ross is the author of Nature Is The Worst: 500 Reasons You'll Never Want To Go Outside Again, which is in stores now and available on Amazon and Barnes & Noble.
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