Anyways, keep that in mind as we poke into an anecdote he related about how he used to be a cougar-hunting teen lothario:

"When I was 16, I didn't want to party any more. I didn't want to play games any more. I grew up. I'd already been in the fights, all the big rituals. I'd already had probably -- I hate to brag, but I'm not bragging, it's actually shameful -- probably 150 women, or more, that's conservative ... I was already dating college girls by the time I was 15 years old. I was already a man at 16."

Gee, Alex. We're surprised it's taken you so long to mention this, considering it reveals there's a secret statutory rape cult taking over the country. 150 -- which, remember, is the bare minimum he's claiming -- is a huge number of sexual conquests for an entire lifetime, let alone a 16-year-old. And that is a hot garbage number if many of those are supposedly grown-ass women. How hot could one teen be?

Alex Jones

Still, that's a lot of sex criminals. We guess the main takeaway from this is that if you're a fatherless conspiracy nut whose mom had a mysterious tryst in the late '80s with an intense teenager, you know where to direct your lawyers about backdated child support.

That's Enrique inviting some dudes on stage to chat about sex -- a conversation which leads to him completely rewriting his sexual resume with all the furor of a Stalinist censor. Now he says he lost his virginity at 17, and instead of it being a special moment in his adult life, it happened in his brother's house and lasted a whole goshdarn ten seconds. Keep in mind, this was all during the same concert. Was there a sniper sitting backstage making him say these things like a bargain-basement version of Phone Booth? Or was he making s**t up on a dare?

We'll never know for sure, but at least he didn't awkwardly try to change the subject by calling his dick tiny or someth-

"What does Spanish good looks have to do with the size of your penis? Maybe I have the Spanish looks, but I have the smallest penis in the world. I'm serious."

Oh. He did that too.

TMZ

In 1991, The New York Post had a front-page exclusive about Trump dumping his then-girlfriend for singer, songwriter, and future premiere dame Carla Bruni. When a journalist for People magazine called Trump's offices to confirm the story, she was transferred to "John Miller," who began to describe how, yep, it was totes real -- Bruni was passionately in love with Trump, so much so that she'd even dumped a rock star lover to be with him. When Bruni was asked for comment on this story several years later, she responded by calling him a lunatic and a liar.

Franck Prevel/Getty Images

"Miller" then went on to describe how difficult it was for "his boss" to live his life under a constant barrage of women throwing their junk at him. And yes, he named names. The list included people like Madonna and Kim Basinger. In a later interview with noted feminist scholar Howard Stern, Trump (now as himself) described how if he'd been bothered to put in the time, yeah, he totally could have banged Princess Diana. Which is insulting, preposterous, and also indicative that Trump was somehow getting smarter, having realized how difficult it would be for dead ladies to contradict him.

As you can probably guess, Halle exploded with fury when ... actually, she didn't do much more than deny it and explain that she'd never heard of the dude. Which must have hurt Flair at least a bit in the ol' Tea Cup Ride.

For example, McInnes describes how during a threesome with "a lovely girl from Malta," he and Smith wound up ... shrinkwrapping their deli meats together. If that doesn't make any sense to you, that's because we've now entered the Sexual Twilight Zone. Nothing past this point makes any sense. Incidentally, the following passage is pretty NSFW, so ... stop reading aloud?

I look down at her a*****e and I'm like, "Look at that beautiful pink assho... hey, wait a minute. How come I can see the a*****e? I thought I was in the a*****e." And then I feel down and I have a condom on, and I'm like, "What is this? I didn't have a condom on when I went into her ass." Then I realize I pushed so hard I forced my dick into Shane's condom with Shane's dick and we were both in her vagina. I was so horny I almost kept going but it was a bit too homo to be penis-rubbing like that.

We'll admit that writing for Cracked doesn't get you as much make-believe action as writing for Vice does, but we do have our doubts about this particular story, seeing as how condoms aren't windsocks that you accidentally lose your dick inside.

Assange, aka "Harry Harrison," wrote the entire profile in the manner of someone trying their best not to hook up with anyone.

"Want a regular, down to earth guy? Keep moving. I am not the droid you're looking for. Save us both while you still can."

He goes on to describe himself as "pretty intellectually and physically pugnacious" and a "passionate, and often pig headed activist," which aren't ranking up there with "sense of humor" and "pecs" on any woman's list of desirable features in a mate. As for what he's looking for in a partner, it's someone who's down for a "love affair, children and occasional criminal conspiracy." Also, for some reason, he closes his profile with, "I am DANGER, ACHTUNG," which we are now very concerned might be something he shouts out during sex.

Julian Assange/OKCupid

Anyways, ladies, if that somehow, improbably, appeals to you, then sad news: Your ideal man is hiding in an embassy. You might have to set your sights lower.

Adam Wears is on Twitter and Facebook. He also has a newsletter about depressing history, if you're into that sort of thing.

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