At one of these orgies, a prostitute slipped, hit her head, and died. The Ohio Gang shuffled Harding out of the fuckpile and washed the sex stank off of him. They destroyed the evidence, did away with the body, and paid the remaining women for a job well done. The Ohio Gang actually spent a lot of time buying silence from women. During the 1920 campaign, Carrie Fulton Phillips, one of Harding's many mistresses, threatened to leak their love letters. Harry Daugherty, not yet the Attorney General, paid her $25,000 to go live in Japan and keep quiet. They covered it up so well that those letters stayed sealed until 2009. Another mistress had his illegitimate child, which was only recently proven in 2015. Can you imagine scientists making public pleas for your DNA, so that historians could find out whether or not the president banged your grandma? That's one hell of an awkward Thanksgiving dinner discussion.

The Cover Up:

Letelier's killing was part of Operation Condor, a top-secret gathering of South American despots, whose main goal was to kill dissidents and communists in their respective countries. And the U.S. supported several aspects of Operation Condor because, goddammit, we just loved killin' communists. Really, if you love what you do, you'll never work a day in your life.

Pinochet, who ordered the hit, came into power as a result of a U.S.-orchestrated coup. Henry Kissinger promised Pinochet that America would ignore his human rights violations in Chile, and it's possible that the CIA knew about the Letelier hit beforehand, because they were funneling money into DINA. That's speculation. But they certainly knew about it after the fact, and chose not to make a big deal about it.

So the United States didn't punish Chile, but what about Townley, the American who carried out the bombing? Killing Letelier wasn't his only crime: Townley was a comic-book caliber international assassin, who worked all over Europe and South America. He hired Italian fascists to shoot Bernardo Leighton. He even helped blow up an airplane, killing 78 people and the entire national Cuban fencing team.

Surely smuggling nerve gas into the country and committing terrorism on American soil was the last straw.

Haha, nope!

The U.S. granted him immunity from prosecution and a spot in the witness protection program. He's actually still alive today, and the U.S. is refusing attempts to extradite him.

If you're having a bad case of deja vu, that's because there's a character named Michael Townley in Grand Theft Auto V. In the game, Townley ... blows up a plane, steals nerve gas, gets granted immunity, and is put in witness protection. Look at that: GTA V really is educational.

A Native American tribe near the current Ohio-Indiana border couldn't help but notice the massive army stomping around their territory, and figured an ambush sounded like a fun way to kill some time. And some people. A lot of people. The Native American forces inflicted a 97.4 percent casualty rate, wiping out one quarter of all the soldiers in the entire United States Army in three hours.

The Cover Up:

On the heels of their defeat, the U.S. government had concerns about, you know, a quarter of their army disappearing in an afternoon. The United States launched the first ever congressional investigation and cabinet meeting. The founding fathers were serious about getting to the bottom of who was responsible for this defeat ... right up until they realized they were investigating themselves. The government had done fuck-all in the way of training, supplying, or supporting the army. They sent their level-5 Riflemen out to be slaughtered by level-99 Wood Elves.

Harper's Magazine
"LoL noobs."
"HAX!"

Since these were senior administration officials that fucked up, it became a huge political concern for George Washington. As the House Of Representatives was probing the issue, Washington invented the idea of executive privilege. He declared that, according to his interpretation of the law, Congress could mind their own goddamn business. The House Of Representatives' final report said that everyone except General St. Clair, one of the few to escape the battle, was to blame. Unfortunately for him, the public at large didn't read the report. Instead, they named the battle "St. Clair's Defeat."

Washington and his government called General Anthony Wayne out of retirement, and tasked him with forging a new army. In the follow-up expedition, Wayne crushed that Native American tribe at the Battle Of Fallen Timbers. It is hard to feel good about that victory, in retrospect.

Even finding a spot to hold a memorial service was tricky. The Archdiocese of New Orleans refused to help, and Baptist churches wouldn't even answer the phone. Some churches went so far as to refuse to bury the dead, presumably because, like Nazi-zombies, gay zombies are a double threat. Now that society has progressed, we commemorate the massacre with ... its very own plaque on the sidewalk!

Historic New Orleans Collection
Fantastic.

All in all, Unit 731 killed or maimed an estimated one million people.

Unit 731
Seen here dressed exactly like comic book super-villains.

When the war ended, Unit 731 murdered any survivors in their camps, blew up their headquarters, and completely got away with it. That is, until good old-fashioned American justice caught up with them ...

The Cover Up:

... and gave them total immunity wrapped in thick wads of money.

Unit 731 may have spent years conducting wildly unethical biological experiments, but that meant they had a ton of wildly unethical data. Lo and behold, the U.S. and Soviet Union were starting a biological arms race around this time. This may come as a shock, but sometimes the U.S. overlooks pesky things like "morality" if it means sticking it to the commies.

Obviously Unit 731 refused to hand over the data unless they got immunity, and America gave it to them, so they could engineer more piss for the pissing match with Russia. The U.S. was so pleased with the bargain that they also threw in stipends and monetary rewards for Unit 731, just to keep them from even thinking about jumping into bed with the Soviets.

Since Unit 731 already covered their tracks back in China, with the murders and explosions and all, there wasn't much evidence to fret over. All the U.S. had to do was keep everything in classified channels, away from investigative eyes. When the Soviets released their own report on Unit 731's crimes, the U.S. denounced it as communist propaganda. When it came out that Unit 731 experimented on Allied soldiers, the U.S. suppressed it. If it were revealed that Unit 731 nailed your mom, the U.S. would have high fived them and called you a nerd.

Unit 731 veterans got off so scot-free they were able to hold annual reunions, and build a memorial shrine to their unit in Tokyo. Many went on to enjoy careers as leading politicians and academics, even serving in such esteemed positions as President of the Japanese Medical Association, head of the Japanese Olympic Committee, and the freaking Governor of Tokyo. So there you go: Don't commit war crimes, or else you might wind up respected and esteemed, running the largest city in the world.

You know what crime America hasn't covered up? This crime against fashion. Get it here to stand out at your next 4th of July bbq or Presidents Day mattress sale.

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