3

Due To Sheer Incompetence, A Quarter Of The Entire United States Army Was Slaughtered In An Afternoon

In 1791, the U.S. gathered roughly half of its entire army into one big, armed, fuck-you expedition. And General Arthur St. Clair sent them off ... to experience what is proportionally the single-worst military defeat in the American Indian war.

A Native American tribe near the current Ohio-Indiana border couldn't help but notice the massive army stomping around their territory, and figured an ambush sounded like a fun way to kill some time. And some people. A lot of people. The Native American forces inflicted a 97.4 percent casualty rate, wiping out one quarter of all the soldiers in the entire United States Army in three hours.

The Cover Up:

On the heels of their defeat, the U.S. government had concerns about, you know, a quarter of their army disappearing in an afternoon. The United States launched the first ever congressional investigation and cabinet meeting. The founding fathers were serious about getting to the bottom of who was responsible for this defeat ... right up until they realized they were investigating themselves. The government had done fuck-all in the way of training, supplying, or supporting the army. They sent their level-5 Riflemen out to be slaughtered by level-99 Wood Elves.

Harper's Magazine
"LoL noobs."
"HAX!"

2

The Worst Attack on LGBT People (Before Orlando) Was Barely Investigated

One summer night, the buzzer to the UpStairs Lounge gay bar wouldn't stop buzzing. When someone opened the door, a wall of fire shot out of the stairwell and spread throughout the club. The flames engulfed the bar and cut off the escape routes. Thirty-two people died, making this the deadliest attack on LGBT people until the 2016 Orlando massacre. A tragedy of this magnitude must have been front-page news for days as the police hunted down those responsib- wait, what year was this? 1973? In New Orleans? Oh boy.

The Cover Up:

Technically speaking, the New Orleans Police Department can't ignore mass murders. What they can do is twiddle their thumbs until enough time has passed for them to give up and go back to cosplaying Kojak. The police "investigated" the fire for "two months." In reality, they ignored evidence and declared the deaths "accidental fire fatalities." The NOPD chief investigator all but admitted it when he said, "Some thieves hung out there, and you know this was a queer bar."

Chief Wiggum could have solved this case: The night of the fire, Rodger Nunez got into a fight at the bar. He announced to the entire crowd, "I'm gonna burn y'all out," and stormed off. Minutes later, a "mysterious" person "burned them all out." In the investigative world this is what we call a "clue." When survivors told the police about Nunez's comments, they were immediately dismissed. Before he committed suicide a year later, Nunez admitted to two different people that he started the fire. Now, we're going out on a limb here -- but what if Nunez was the killer?

Even finding a spot to hold a memorial service was tricky. The Archdiocese of New Orleans refused to help, and Baptist churches wouldn't even answer the phone. Some churches went so far as to refuse to bury the dead, presumably because, like Nazi-zombies, gay zombies are a double threat. Now that society has progressed, we commemorate the massacre with ... its very own plaque on the sidewalk!

Historic New Orleans Collection
Fantastic.

1

The United States Covered Up Japan's Atrocious Human Experiments In Exchange For The Resulting Data

Japan's World War II biological warfare Unit 731 was ... well, you know this article ain't about kitten sanctuaries. Unit 731 operated a horror-lab in Harbin, China. They conducted involuntary human experiments on POWs and civilians, including live human dissections. They even dropped bombs packed with bubonic plague on cities just to see if they could cause epidemics.

All in all, Unit 731 killed or maimed an estimated one million people.

Unit 731
Seen here dressed exactly like comic book super-villains.

When the war ended, Unit 731 murdered any survivors in their camps, blew up their headquarters, and completely got away with it. That is, until good old-fashioned American justice caught up with them ...

The Cover Up:

... and gave them total immunity wrapped in thick wads of money.

Unit 731 may have spent years conducting wildly unethical biological experiments, but that meant they had a ton of wildly unethical data. Lo and behold, the U.S. and Soviet Union were starting a biological arms race around this time. This may come as a shock, but sometimes the U.S. overlooks pesky things like "morality" if it means sticking it to the commies.

Obviously Unit 731 refused to hand over the data unless they got immunity, and America gave it to them, so they could engineer more piss for the pissing match with Russia. The U.S. was so pleased with the bargain that they also threw in stipends and monetary rewards for Unit 731, just to keep them from even thinking about jumping into bed with the Soviets.

Since Unit 731 already covered their tracks back in China, with the murders and explosions and all, there wasn't much evidence to fret over. All the U.S. had to do was keep everything in classified channels, away from investigative eyes. When the Soviets released their own report on Unit 731's crimes, the U.S. denounced it as communist propaganda. When it came out that Unit 731 experimented on Allied soldiers, the U.S. suppressed it. If it were revealed that Unit 731 nailed your mom, the U.S. would have high fived them and called you a nerd.

Unit 731 veterans got off so scot-free they were able to hold annual reunions, and build a memorial shrine to their unit in Tokyo. Many went on to enjoy careers as leading politicians and academics, even serving in such esteemed positions as President of the Japanese Medical Association, head of the Japanese Olympic Committee, and the freaking Governor of Tokyo. So there you go: Don't commit war crimes, or else you might wind up respected and esteemed, running the largest city in the world.

You know what crime America hasn't covered up? This crime against fashion. Get it here to stand out at your next 4th of July bbq or Presidents Day mattress sale.

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