5

They Market Their Houses Like They're Porn

When most people try to increase the value of their homes, they build a pool or install hardwood floors. Not the owner of Opus, "Beverly Hills' most expensive property," who tried to entice buyers with the finest luxuries known to man: tits and ass. In order to sell the $100 million mansion, they let film producer turned realtor Nile Niami shoot a sexy movie trailer for it. If you ever wondered what one-percenter niche porn would be like, look no further.

Inside Opus, every dream is a reality. One woman, who we think is supposed to be the owner, is awakened by a gold-dipped bondage slave. The golden girl is about to perform her daily oral duties as the camera pans away to reveal the great view of L.A.'s beau- ... kinda nice skyline. As we tour the rest of the place, there's suddenly a small army of golden women. They're serving gold champagne out of an enormous wine cellar...

Hilton & Hyland

... and sexily standing next to a golden Lambo*.

Hilton & Hyland

Back to the real estate. It takes so long to showcase this lavish house that the sexy golden women keep putting on more clothes to fight off the rapidly increasing cold. By the time they reach the master living room, winter has come and they bundle together to watch a movie with their mistress, Lady Who Looks Kind of Like Kate Hudson:

Hilton & Hyland

4

They Smoke Never-Touched Weed Out Of A Work Of Art

Doesn't it suck that you have to touch your weed? Takes away from the purity, brah. Hmm? That's never been a concern to you? Well, then you must not be the kind of real marijuana aficionado willing to cough up a hundred bucks for an eighth of an ounce. Allow us to introduce you to canned cannabis. Canned-a-bis. Can o' bis. Whatever. This stuff:

L.A. Island inc.

Coming from Top Shelf THC, the Isla series of weed actually cures in the can. After harvest, nobody touches it until your Cheeto-stained fingers pop it open. It's also fairly difficult to come by -- your average "medical" dispensary in Portland or Seattle isn't getting its grubby hands on this exquisite kush anytime soon. Rapper 2 Chainz, on the other hand, was kind enough to try it for us, the pauper public.

3

They Set Up Trust Funds ... For Their Pets

Even the richest among us can't cheat death (yet). And seeing as how it's no longer socially acceptable to be buried with your treasures like a pharaoh or a pirate, they'll have to leave their stuff to their loved ones. No, not their asshole spoiled kids. Fifi and Mr. Snuggles.

It is now legal for the wealthy to set up trust funds for their pets. In case of their owner's death, this is to assure the pets are taken care of for the duration of their lives and don't end up in a shelter, but it is also literally the plot of The Aristocats. A carer is appointed to guarantee that these animals live better lives than they themselves ever will. And they can lead long lives. One deceased moneybags left $200,000 for the care of two African birds that can live up to 90 years. Imagine being left an animal you have to take care of until your dying day. And you can't kill it, because it pays your rent.

Unsurprisingly, leaving vast fortunes to animals has already caused a lot of tension and some really weird problems. Leona Helmsley tried to leave $12 million to her dog, only for a court to effectively tell her posthumously that she was being senile and knock that number down to "only" $2 million. The remaining money was given to charity. Fortunately, courts officially have the power to reduce the amount in pet trust funds (which are already sort of skirting the law as it is) if they're deemed "unreasonably large," like 12 fucking million dollars. Not like $2 million, which is basically chump change for a Maltese purebred.

2

They Can Watch Newly Released Movies At Home

Even going to the movie theater is a little bit of a luxury for some people. Lots of us will wait until a movie comes out on a streaming service, or it falls out of the back of a passing pirate website. But some people have the opposite problem: They're too rich to go to a movie theater. Conveniently, they make the movie theater come to them.

Enter Prima Cinema. Prima isn't video on demand; it's box office on demand, allowing you to watch brand-new, still-playing-in-theaters movies in the privacy of your home. You, or at least that one rich dude you know, can have the massive Prima box installed in your home for a cool $35,000. Discerning readers will note that this is roughly 3,500 months' worth of Netflix subscriptions (or 7,000 if you're "sharing" with your parents), but that's a mere pittance for someone who wants to enjoy the new Transformers with a jar of caviar.

There are a few catches, though. Because they had to cut a deal with major movie studios to get them to allow this in the first place (and let's be honest, to "keep out the undesirables"), there are some very strict requirements to even get Prima installed. You must own a home theater with no more than 25 seats, and said theater must have a screen reaching 100 inches or more at the diagonal. Your internet must also be super high speed, so even millionaires who happen to live in Farmville, USA will get left out.

Finally, on top of that $35,000 installation fee, each movie costs $500 to stream. Each purchase must also be approved with a fingerprint scan, not only to discourage movie buff burglars, but also to keep your child from accidentally pressing a bunch of buttons and racking up millions of dollars of debt in bad Mark Wahlberg movies.

1

They Can Pay For A Better Room In Prison

The whole point of prison, depending on whether you're talking to an American or a Norwegian, is to ensure that a criminal knows they fucked up somehow. It's a punishment, a way to show how terrible life can be if you break the law. And if you're a millionaire, that horrible punishment is to live in what looks like our first studio apartment.

Monica Almeida/The New York Times